tonight, i found myself listening to this memorable song that someone sang to me while he was waiting for his flight to doha for a gig. tonight it was raining so hard, just like the first night we went on a date. or should i say, just like most of our dates.
while i said in one of my older blogs that i wont blog about him anymore, pardon me in doing so. yes, this is another blog wherein i mentioned my goliath. or should i say, it is about the song he sang for me and thoughts about relationships related to the song.
the song is tagalog in language. it's title means sleepyhead. i can still remember it clearly. it was june 9, 2009 and he was in the airport, waiting for the whole band to arrive for their scheduled flight bound for doha. he asked me if he can just sing me the song over the phone, before he leaves. i said yes and indeed, he sang me my favorite part of the song. just to give you an idea, here's the lyrics of the song:
iniwan ka na ng eroplano
okay lang baby wag kang magbago
dito ka lang humimbing sa aking piling
antukin
kukupkupin na lang kita
sorry wala ka ng magagawa
mahalin mo na lang ako ng sobra sobra
para patas naman tayo diba
(chorus)sasalubungin natin ang kinabukasan
ng walang takot at walang pangamba
tadhana'y merong trip na makapangyarihan
kung ayaw may dahilan
kung gusto palaging merong paraan
pinaiyak ka ng manghuhula
hindi na raw tayo magkasamang tatanda
buti na lang merong langit na nagtatanggol sa
pag-ibig na pursigido't matiyaga
(chorus)
long as we stand as one
ano man ang ating makabangga
nothing will ever break us
wala talaga as in wala
(chorus)
kung gusto, hahalikan na lang natin
ang kinabukasan ng buong loob
at yayakapin pa
tadhana'y mejo overrated kung minsan
kung ayaw may dahilan
kung gusto palaging merong paraan
gumawa na lang tayo ng paraan
gumawa na lang tayo ng... (baby)
gumawa na lang tayo ng paraan.
the song caught my ears and attention today because it got me thinking of its lines "kung ayaw may dahilan kung gusto palaging merong paraan". let me relate it to relationships. if the person wants to stay, he will stay right? he will move heaven and hell just to stay with you and he will do everything to make you stay as well. but if the person does not want to stay anymore, we cannot move heaven and hell just to make him stay. he will always have a reason to leave and we cannot contend with those reasons.
but what if, just what if, he wanted to stay but there is a being bigger and greater and mightier than him who wants him to stay... AWAY. what if, him leaving wasnt of his own volition but a command from the One who created him... and you. what if it was God, with all His power, might and love for the two of you, who told him, "Son, leave her alone. Leave her in My hands and trust My plans for both of your lives.". would you get mad at God or would you get mad at him?
i did. i got mad at the guy and i made "tampo" to God. pardon me using the tagalog word, it's just that there is no english word that would really suffice for what i meant to say. but then something dawned on me. i got mad at him and blamed him for leaving me but there is always two sides of the coin. i should be mad at myself also.
when i was feeling resentment towards the person, did i ever stop to think all these would not happen had i asked for God's wisdom and discernment? all would have not happened had i waited for God's promise in my life and for my God's best?
most of the time, we only blame the other party for the heartaches they caused us. we dont even stop to think that we too have a part in all of it. yes, they chose to leave us. but we too have a part in the decision they took. it could be because we were already too much to handle, too emotional, too jealous, too immature. too much. or it could be because, it was never really meant to be and we should have seen that right before we even started having feelings for them.
so yes, i may have felt resentment back then for that guy who left without a word of explanation but i too should have felt resentment towards myself for allowing things to happen without being guided by God.
i can never stress this enough. it is important to wait for that one person God has made for you. aside from us being spared emotional pain, we also spare the other party from making painful decisions in their lives. and we also spare their future spouses the emotional pain of having to deal with ex's who wont and cant move on.
moving on: "kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto palaging merong paraan." if we really want to move on, we will. because we want to. when we say im having a hard time moving on, that's because a part of us does not want to. we always have reasons like, "I cant move on because we were together for too long" or "i cant move on because i believe he loved me and he still loves me." REASONS. kung ayaw may dahilan... maraming dahilan.
to you Antukin, i hope you have already found the one. :D
<3 4 <3
Yani's Canaan... blogs and stories about God, Relationships, Life and Love.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
in anger and bitterness, turn to God
i was at home today, waiting for my storyboard to be sent via email when i decided to go open my blogsite and check my stats. while i was checking my stats, i found myself wanting to blog. mind you, i have a blog ready to be uploaded but it feels like it's not yet the one i want to publish.
then i was reminded of how i felt last night. i was angry. blame it on the spirits of anger living in my house or blame it on my heart but the bottomline is, i got angry. i wouldnt go into details and person involved but nonetheless, this is a continuation of a past offense, a new one that adds insult to injury. it seems like as days pass, the person seems to add more insult to injury for me and Jeremy. what hurts the most is that lies were uttered right in my face and more lies where being said to different people that surrounds us. forgiven? yes the person was already forgiven. everyday is a struggle to forgive the person but by God's grace it was possible.
but last night, the anger rose up again. i asked God to show me why anger rises up everytime the person does something to irritate me. and here is what He told me:
1. James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Since He already made me His daughter and disciple, i must develop my character. I must persever and endure trials and persecution because no disciple lives in a comfortable safe zone. We live in a world east of Eden. but what makes it easier to live in the fallen world is that we know that God's grace is always available for us.
2. God is teaching me to lower some expectations I have. Most people are not like me and that person definitely isnt like me. I dont do things that the person does and these are the things that offends me. And since I dont do those things, I expected most of the time that others wont do it too. But we are all a work in progress and we were created differently.
3. "I am still working in you and I am working in that person's life as well."
God works in everyone's life, tweaking attitudes that need to be tweaked and I tell you there are a lot of things that needs to be tweaked in my life. But I was comforted with the fact that God is tweaking that certain aspect of that person's life as well. He is not yet done teaching that person a lesson. He is teaching that person OBEDIENCE and LISTENING.
"Make sure that when you PRAY, you also know how to LISTEN to God."
4. "Leave VINDICATION to me."
"This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their VINDICATION from ME." declares the Lord. - Isaiah 54:17
I wanted to lash out, to tell that person right smack in the face that I am mad and furious at what was said and what happened but God reminded me that VINDICATION is His and not mine.
5. "What God has opened, no man can close."
Who is the author of my relationship? It's God. So whoever wants to destroy my relationship with Jeremy is answerable to God. Whoever says things against us will be refuted by God for He is the one who wrote our love story. I dont need to refute any tongue who accuses us of things because God will do it for me. According to Jeremy, "ang bumangga, giba!".
what struck me the most from my talk with God was this, "When we pray, we must also listen." Yes, God hears us and He wants to answer every prayer that we have. But do we ask ourselves, do we pray for the right things? or do we pray for the ones that are not included in His will? When we pray, do we really hear HIS answer or do we hear the answers according to OUR HEARTS' DESIRES? Sadly, there are people who are supposedly walking in His light, walking as His disciple but they are having a hard time LISTENING to God and OBEYING Him especially if it involves their hearts' desires.
I hope the next time that that person prays, LISTENING should be present. and OBEDIENCE too.
(photo from google)
<3
then i was reminded of how i felt last night. i was angry. blame it on the spirits of anger living in my house or blame it on my heart but the bottomline is, i got angry. i wouldnt go into details and person involved but nonetheless, this is a continuation of a past offense, a new one that adds insult to injury. it seems like as days pass, the person seems to add more insult to injury for me and Jeremy. what hurts the most is that lies were uttered right in my face and more lies where being said to different people that surrounds us. forgiven? yes the person was already forgiven. everyday is a struggle to forgive the person but by God's grace it was possible.
but last night, the anger rose up again. i asked God to show me why anger rises up everytime the person does something to irritate me. and here is what He told me:
1. James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Since He already made me His daughter and disciple, i must develop my character. I must persever and endure trials and persecution because no disciple lives in a comfortable safe zone. We live in a world east of Eden. but what makes it easier to live in the fallen world is that we know that God's grace is always available for us.
2. God is teaching me to lower some expectations I have. Most people are not like me and that person definitely isnt like me. I dont do things that the person does and these are the things that offends me. And since I dont do those things, I expected most of the time that others wont do it too. But we are all a work in progress and we were created differently.
3. "I am still working in you and I am working in that person's life as well."
God works in everyone's life, tweaking attitudes that need to be tweaked and I tell you there are a lot of things that needs to be tweaked in my life. But I was comforted with the fact that God is tweaking that certain aspect of that person's life as well. He is not yet done teaching that person a lesson. He is teaching that person OBEDIENCE and LISTENING.
"Make sure that when you PRAY, you also know how to LISTEN to God."
4. "Leave VINDICATION to me."
"This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their VINDICATION from ME." declares the Lord. - Isaiah 54:17
I wanted to lash out, to tell that person right smack in the face that I am mad and furious at what was said and what happened but God reminded me that VINDICATION is His and not mine.
5. "What God has opened, no man can close."
Who is the author of my relationship? It's God. So whoever wants to destroy my relationship with Jeremy is answerable to God. Whoever says things against us will be refuted by God for He is the one who wrote our love story. I dont need to refute any tongue who accuses us of things because God will do it for me. According to Jeremy, "ang bumangga, giba!".
what struck me the most from my talk with God was this, "When we pray, we must also listen." Yes, God hears us and He wants to answer every prayer that we have. But do we ask ourselves, do we pray for the right things? or do we pray for the ones that are not included in His will? When we pray, do we really hear HIS answer or do we hear the answers according to OUR HEARTS' DESIRES? Sadly, there are people who are supposedly walking in His light, walking as His disciple but they are having a hard time LISTENING to God and OBEYING Him especially if it involves their hearts' desires.
I hope the next time that that person prays, LISTENING should be present. and OBEDIENCE too.
<3
Thursday, June 16, 2011
shooting for a star ( a short story)
fiction is always the product of our imagination. but sometimes, there are fictional characters that are closer to our hearts than any other characters we have created in our head because they are, at some point in our lives, were part of who we were or they were a part of the past. and as i was searching for my old manuscripts and literary works, i came across a short story i wrote way back in high school, those times i would hide in lockers whenever this certain smile would light up the room i was in. it was a story of a girl who fell in love with a shy smile only to get her heart broken because the guy would not even look twice at her. or so she thought. thus, after reading that story i wrote, i was inspired to write another.
a continuation, a bridge.
---------
Shooting for a star
by: Gillian Hero Guerrero-Angeles
The rain kept on pouring the whole afternoon and my mind's going more restless by the minute. The stormy season was just starting at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, I was a completely different man. Two weeks ago, the concept of love and commitment was as far-fetched as surviving on another planet aside from the earth. But it all changed when I saw her again...
---
(Two weeks ago)
I was on my way to my usual gym routine when I passed by this quaint chapel located near a commercial district in Libis. I don't know why I stopped but I did and moments later, I found myself kneeling down one of the pews and looking at the cross on the altar. A few minutes passed and a tiny little voice inside me asked an audible question. "What is your heart's greatest desire?" Whoa! Where did that question come from? I already have what most people my generation are envious of. Fame, money, girls. I am in my own right a famous celebrity though not as famous as Dingdong Dantes or Piolo Pascual but I already have a number of female and gay fans admiring my physique. I have tv guestings here and there, an evening soap opera that's getting a fair share of the viewers pie, and a late night travel/extreme sports show. I don't need anything else. Well, maybe there's one. A Porsche Carrera. Aside from that I don't think I need anything else.
As I was about to get up, a girl passed by and sat two pews ahead. Something about her caught my attention and as I took a second look, my heart skipped a beat. I know that long curly hair too well. I've stared at that back all too many times way back in high school. Tall, slender, Snow white skin, charming, sweet, bubbly, graceful, sports-minded, brainy, beautiful, perfect. "Could it be really her? Here? Now?", I asked myself. Debating whether or not to approach her, I stood up and found myself rooted on the spot. I could not move. Memories of a high school crush came flooding in. Memories that would tell a number of failed attempts to ask her out despite me being a ladies' man. Memories that would speak of too many stolen glances in between breaks, my basketball practices, her dance rehearsals and school programs.
When I finally mustered the courage to approach her, she was already up and ready to go. Telling myself that it's now or never, I called out her name. "Carla!" I said as I made my way towards her. Despite her startled look, I could not help but notice how beautiful she still look after four years. "Hi Yuan! Glad you still remember me.", she said, flashing those pearly whites. God! She still has that charming smile I love staring at. "Of course! Why wouldn't I remember you?", I answered back. "Well, most of our schoolmates say you don't remember them anymore once you became a celebrity." How can I forget her? I will forget everyone from my batch but I will never forget her. Never. But I couldn't tell her that. "Of course I remember you. And your dad." I said, smilingly sheepishly at her. Her dad was the school basketball team's coach. My former coach. And the first time I saw her, she was shooting hoops with her dad as I entered the school gym for basketball practice. Mind you, I've never seen a girl as beautiful as her who can shoot killer three's. "I was thinking -", I was saying when I was interrupted by the faint sound of her phone ringing. "Yes, I'm done. *pause* Alright I'll see you at the entrance. Bye." I heard her say on the phone. As soon as she ended the call, she turned to me and said, "It was nice running into you but I have to go. I'll tell Dad you said Hi." "Please do. Tell him I miss playing ball with him." She smiled. "Bye Yuan.", she said as she walked pass me. My eyes followed every step she took away from me, and my heart retraced every step I took way back in high school to get to know her better. She stopped and waved back as soon as she reached the chapel's entrance and I saw a black car stop in front of her. She got in, lowered her window and smiled at me as the car started to leave.
I was mesmerized. I felt like the young boy again stealing glances at her in school. Or that basketball player looking for her among the crowd watching our intercollegiate games. But wait! I forgot to get her number! "Stupid!", I told myself. Of all the things to forget! "Stupid Yuan! Stupid!" Feeling defeated, I started to walk towards my car, still calling myself stupid for not asking for her number.
Gym time was over but I felt like I wasn't able to do a nice routine today. My mind kept going back to the conversation that took place inside that small chapel. As soon as I got inside my car, not even bothering to leave the parking space, I called one of my former basketball team mate. "Hey John how are you? *pause* Well, I actually have a favor to ask. Do you happen to know Coach Richard's number? *pause* Cool! Can you send it to me? *pause* Thanks dude!" Finally! I got a way to know her number.
Business card received. Coach Richard. Right then and there, I dialed the number and waited nervously as the phone rang. "Hello?", the voice at the other end said. "Coach Richard! This is Yuan!", I answered. "Yuan Co? My star basketball player? Is this really you?" I smiled at the mention of star player. "Yes Coach this is really me. How have you been?" A short pause followed my question. "Are you really asking about me or about me daughter? She told me she bumped into you earlier today.", Coach Richard asked. I was speechless for a moment until I finally answered, "Well, would you hate me if I say I really wanted to get your daughter's number?" Coach Richard laughed at my answer. "Well kiddo, I'm glad you finally had the courage to ask for it! It's been years! We've all been waiting for it. Me and the whole basketball team. Wait, let me correct that. Me and the whole school." I was shocked. "What???!!!! Everyone's been waiting for me to get Carla's number? But why?" "Well, we've all known you like her. We all saw the stolen glances, the look of longing in your eyes whenever she would enter the gym, and all those searching for someone in the bleachers whenever we have a ball game. We weren't blind Yuan. We knew. And I may have not encouraged you back then because of your reputation as a ladies' man, but given the circumstances right not, I think I'll give you more than just her number. Do you still know how to get to our house?" How can I forget, I thought. I've memorized their address and how to get there in the hopes that someday, I would get the chance to pick her up from their house, bring her out to a romantic date, and get her home on time for her curfew. But it never happened. "I think so Coach. Or I can Google maps the way.", I lied. "Okay, if you say so. Be here tomorrow for lunch. Bye." Wow! God must be on my side! Lunch at their house? Is this really happening? I wanted to punch myself just to check if I'm dreaming or not. Well maybe if I wasn't driving I would have done so.
When I got home, I searched for the basketball team championship photo I kept. It was the only championship photo I kept and treasured all these years. It wasn't because it was the most memorable championship but because it was the only championship photo that Carla took for the school paper. I found it hidden among the basketball team memorabilia that my mom hid in a box she placed inside my cabinet. On top of it was the jersey I was planning to give to her after the victory party hosted by the school. I never got the chance to do so because she wasn't around that night. She was sick according to her dad. As I stare at the photo, I couldn't help but notice how I was smiling from ear to ear, which wasn't my usual smile whenever the photo's for the school paper. I would usually have a stern, suplado look in school because too many girls would always try to catch my attention in various traumatic ways. Most girls in school. But not Carla. Maybe that was the reason I was so smitten by her. She's so different from all the girls I've seen. As I continue staring at the photo, I still could not believe the revelation I got that night. The whole team knew. Coach Richard knew. The whole school knew. I don't know if I should be pissed about it or the fact that everybody knew except Carla.
Early the following day, I got up, dressed well for the occasion, and drove to her place. On the way to her house, I passed by a flower shop to get her a bouquet of flowers. Her favorite, pink roses. I hope she'll like it. When I got to her place, I found her shooting hoops. I was amazed. Years passed and her killer three's can still take my breath away. "Can I try my hand in shooting?", I shouted as I approach her. She turned my way and was surprised to see me at their yard. "Oh! It's you! The star basketball player.", she answered. I smiled. "Are you going to hand me those flowers or are they for my dad?", she teasingly said. "Why of course it's for your dad. I kinda took a liking for him when he was my coach.", I joked back. She laughed. Oh my! That laugh sounded like music to my ears. "It's for you actually. I was just kidding.", I said shyly, handing her the flowers. She smiled as she received the flowers. "Thank you. Is this just a lucky guess or you really did research on what my favorite flower is?" I turned beet red. I can feel that I did. Nervously dribbling the ball she handed me a while ago, I avoided her eyes and said, "It was just luck I guess." Oh boy! How can I tell her I know more than just her favorite flowers without sounding like a stalker? Thank heavens, her father went out to join us in the yard. If it weren't for his dad I would have melted right at that spot. I was already wishing the earth would swallow me up right that moment she asked about my choice of flowers. "Hey lovebirds, it's time for lunch.", Coach Richard said, putting an arm around Carla. "Dad! That's not the right way to welcome visitors.", she said while she nudged him at the rib. "Hi Coach! Thanks for inviting me for lunch.", I said. He winked back as we started walking towards the house. Lunch was great though Coach Richard would not let me go off the hook without stories of how I was back then. He even mentioned that I really really liked this girl back in high school but I never got the courage to ask her out. Talk about being on the hot seat. Carla however was quiet over lunch as she ate her "special diet" of veggies and grilled fish. When I asked them about this, they said it's just her preference. She smiled weakly at me and said, "I've gone vegan for some reason."
---
Three days after that lunch I had at their house, I dropped by their house after one of my show's taping to give her a basket of fresh organic veggies. She was already asleep when I reached her house. Coach Richard received it for her. "Son, thank you very much. You don't know how much this will mean to her. But let me just say, I hope you don't get your heart broken.", he said as I got inside my car. I was puzzled. All the way from their house in Mandaluyong to my place in Tandang Sora, I couldn't help but think of Coach Richard's parting words. Why will I get my heart broken? Could it be that she does not like me at all? Or maybe, she's already in a relationship with someone else? Questions flooded my mind but the answers wouldn't come.
The following day, I decided to pass by her house first before I go to my scheduled taping. I found her sitting at a bench inside their yard, reading a book. "Hi!", I called to her. She looked up, surprised to see me there so early. "Oh hi! Thanks for the veggies by the way." "Glad you liked them. Can I sit beside you?" "Of course.", she smiled. "What are you reading?", I asked. "Oh, it's just a medical book explaining about Leukemia and chemotherapy." Leukemia? Chemotherapy? Why would she be reading a book about it when she wasn't a med student? As far as I know, she graduated with a degree in Advertising. "Are you planning on studying medicine?", I asked. She just smiled at me and went back to reading the book. After a while, she asked me, "Don't you have work today?" "Actually I have. I just wanted to spend some time here before I go to the location of my taping. I'll be gone for 3 days.", I said. I would rather spend time there than go to work actually. But I cannot tell her that. She smiled weakly at me, that same smile she gave me when she told me she had gone vegan. "Oh. You take care then. By the way, you can stay here as long as you want. But I have to go back inside. I feel tired already. Must be because of the medicines they made me took this morning. Bye Yuan." She stood up, went inside with the book she was reading, leaving me to ponder on things. First, her dad's puzzling statement the night before, then the book she was reading, and finally, she mentioned medicines. After a few minutes, I got up and went to my car, starting the drive towards my location shoot south of the Metro.
---
As soon as I got back to the Metro after my three-day location shoot, I decided to call Coach Richard. Three days of being away did not keep my mind off of the things that involve Carla. "Are you back in Manila?", was the first thing the Coach said to me when he answered his phone. "Yes Coach I am. Is there something wrong?", I nervously asked. "Get here as fast as you can. We're at Med City.", he answered. Not bothering to ask why, I ended the call and drove as fast as I can to Ortigas. Oh God, could it be Carla? What happened to her? Please God do not let it be her, I prayed. When I got there, I was informed that she was brought to the emergency room. As soon as I reached the emergency room, I saw Coach Richard in a seat nearby, with his face buried deep in his hands. "Coach?", I called out to him. He looked up and thanked me for being there. "Is it Carla? What happened?", I asked. "This morning, she did not respond to her medicines. She kept on vomiting all morning." "Medicine? Why? What's her illness?" "She was diagnosed with leukemia 5 months ago. She's been on chemo for 4 months now." Everything around me slowed down as I heard those words. It couldn't be. She couldn't be so sick. The doctor emerged from the ER and approached Coach Richard. "Sir, she's stable now. We sedated her and gave her an IV. We're moving her to a room. You can see her once we've already placed her in her private room. But I must admit, I'm worried about her response to chemotherapy. I'm afraid, we have to pray harder for her to survive. But we will do everything", the doctor said. As soon as I heard the phrase I'm afraid, I ran. As soon as I reached my car, I drove blinded by the tears that kept coming in my eyes. No! It couldn't be true. She's not sick. I don't know where I was going but I continued driving. I was surprised to see myself in front of the chapel where I first saw her again a few days ago. I got out of my car, went inside the chapel and tearfully said, "Why her God? Why her???! Why bring her back to my life only to get her back??! Answer me!" As I knelt down, the tears would not stop from flowing. I could not bear losing her, the girl of my dreams. For the first time in my life, I felt pain. I felt like my heart's breaking to a million pieces. Coach was right. He hoped I wouldn't get my heart broken. But here I am, in pain and hurting. As I was letting the tears flow from my eyes, a small voice inside me asked, "I asked You back then what is your heart's greatest desire. Are you ready to answer Me now?" Could it be God asking me that? "Oh God! Let her live please! That is what I desire most in this life. Just let her live and be strong again. I'll do everything to make her happy." Something warm enveloped me and the tears stopped falling. I got up, went to my car and drove back to the hospital. When I got to her room, she was still asleep. Not bothering to go home to get a fresh set of clothes, I stayed at the hospital, holding her hand as I fell asleep. In the middle of the night, I was awakened by a soft squeeze in my hand. "Hi.", she softly said. "Why are you here?", she asked. "I wanted to be here. To see you when you open your eyes.", I smiled, trying to hide my bloodshot eyes due to crying the whole night. "Thank you.", she said while reaching out to touch my cheek. "You know what, I have loved you for so long. I have loved you since high school.", she said. "Do you remember that day you tried-out for the basketball team? I was there. I saw you for the first time. And I fell in love with you that day." "Oh Carla!", was all I could say before the tears kept me from saying anything more. I just held her. I held her while memories of me stealing glances at her occupy my mind. "And I know you have loved me since high school too. I knew Yuan. Everybody knew.", she whispered. I reached over and kissed her on the forehead with everything that I've felt for her since that day I saw her shoot hoops nine years ago. It was an understatement to say that this girl in front of me, in a hospital bed with IV's and tubes attached to her, is the love of my life.
---
The rain kept on pouring the whole afternoon and my mind's going more restless by the minute. The stormy season was just starting at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, I was a completely different man. Two weeks ago, I wasn't so sure that love is for me. But here I am, waiting at this small chapel, waiting for the love of my life to walk down that aisle dressed in white. Gone are the playboy days of Yuan Co. Here and now, until forever, there is only one girl in my heart and mind. She's always been there. Carla, the girl of my dreams. My biggest high school crush. The one who brought me down on my knees to beg God to let her live. She only has six months to live according to the doctor but I know God can make miracles. He already did, that day He made our paths cross again in this same chapel.
(photo credit to original uploader in google)
a continuation, a bridge.
---------
Shooting for a star
by: Gillian Hero Guerrero-Angeles
The rain kept on pouring the whole afternoon and my mind's going more restless by the minute. The stormy season was just starting at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, I was a completely different man. Two weeks ago, the concept of love and commitment was as far-fetched as surviving on another planet aside from the earth. But it all changed when I saw her again...
---
(Two weeks ago)
I was on my way to my usual gym routine when I passed by this quaint chapel located near a commercial district in Libis. I don't know why I stopped but I did and moments later, I found myself kneeling down one of the pews and looking at the cross on the altar. A few minutes passed and a tiny little voice inside me asked an audible question. "What is your heart's greatest desire?" Whoa! Where did that question come from? I already have what most people my generation are envious of. Fame, money, girls. I am in my own right a famous celebrity though not as famous as Dingdong Dantes or Piolo Pascual but I already have a number of female and gay fans admiring my physique. I have tv guestings here and there, an evening soap opera that's getting a fair share of the viewers pie, and a late night travel/extreme sports show. I don't need anything else. Well, maybe there's one. A Porsche Carrera. Aside from that I don't think I need anything else.
As I was about to get up, a girl passed by and sat two pews ahead. Something about her caught my attention and as I took a second look, my heart skipped a beat. I know that long curly hair too well. I've stared at that back all too many times way back in high school. Tall, slender, Snow white skin, charming, sweet, bubbly, graceful, sports-minded, brainy, beautiful, perfect. "Could it be really her? Here? Now?", I asked myself. Debating whether or not to approach her, I stood up and found myself rooted on the spot. I could not move. Memories of a high school crush came flooding in. Memories that would tell a number of failed attempts to ask her out despite me being a ladies' man. Memories that would speak of too many stolen glances in between breaks, my basketball practices, her dance rehearsals and school programs.
When I finally mustered the courage to approach her, she was already up and ready to go. Telling myself that it's now or never, I called out her name. "Carla!" I said as I made my way towards her. Despite her startled look, I could not help but notice how beautiful she still look after four years. "Hi Yuan! Glad you still remember me.", she said, flashing those pearly whites. God! She still has that charming smile I love staring at. "Of course! Why wouldn't I remember you?", I answered back. "Well, most of our schoolmates say you don't remember them anymore once you became a celebrity." How can I forget her? I will forget everyone from my batch but I will never forget her. Never. But I couldn't tell her that. "Of course I remember you. And your dad." I said, smilingly sheepishly at her. Her dad was the school basketball team's coach. My former coach. And the first time I saw her, she was shooting hoops with her dad as I entered the school gym for basketball practice. Mind you, I've never seen a girl as beautiful as her who can shoot killer three's. "I was thinking -", I was saying when I was interrupted by the faint sound of her phone ringing. "Yes, I'm done. *pause* Alright I'll see you at the entrance. Bye." I heard her say on the phone. As soon as she ended the call, she turned to me and said, "It was nice running into you but I have to go. I'll tell Dad you said Hi." "Please do. Tell him I miss playing ball with him." She smiled. "Bye Yuan.", she said as she walked pass me. My eyes followed every step she took away from me, and my heart retraced every step I took way back in high school to get to know her better. She stopped and waved back as soon as she reached the chapel's entrance and I saw a black car stop in front of her. She got in, lowered her window and smiled at me as the car started to leave.
I was mesmerized. I felt like the young boy again stealing glances at her in school. Or that basketball player looking for her among the crowd watching our intercollegiate games. But wait! I forgot to get her number! "Stupid!", I told myself. Of all the things to forget! "Stupid Yuan! Stupid!" Feeling defeated, I started to walk towards my car, still calling myself stupid for not asking for her number.
Gym time was over but I felt like I wasn't able to do a nice routine today. My mind kept going back to the conversation that took place inside that small chapel. As soon as I got inside my car, not even bothering to leave the parking space, I called one of my former basketball team mate. "Hey John how are you? *pause* Well, I actually have a favor to ask. Do you happen to know Coach Richard's number? *pause* Cool! Can you send it to me? *pause* Thanks dude!" Finally! I got a way to know her number.
Business card received. Coach Richard. Right then and there, I dialed the number and waited nervously as the phone rang. "Hello?", the voice at the other end said. "Coach Richard! This is Yuan!", I answered. "Yuan Co? My star basketball player? Is this really you?" I smiled at the mention of star player. "Yes Coach this is really me. How have you been?" A short pause followed my question. "Are you really asking about me or about me daughter? She told me she bumped into you earlier today.", Coach Richard asked. I was speechless for a moment until I finally answered, "Well, would you hate me if I say I really wanted to get your daughter's number?" Coach Richard laughed at my answer. "Well kiddo, I'm glad you finally had the courage to ask for it! It's been years! We've all been waiting for it. Me and the whole basketball team. Wait, let me correct that. Me and the whole school." I was shocked. "What???!!!! Everyone's been waiting for me to get Carla's number? But why?" "Well, we've all known you like her. We all saw the stolen glances, the look of longing in your eyes whenever she would enter the gym, and all those searching for someone in the bleachers whenever we have a ball game. We weren't blind Yuan. We knew. And I may have not encouraged you back then because of your reputation as a ladies' man, but given the circumstances right not, I think I'll give you more than just her number. Do you still know how to get to our house?" How can I forget, I thought. I've memorized their address and how to get there in the hopes that someday, I would get the chance to pick her up from their house, bring her out to a romantic date, and get her home on time for her curfew. But it never happened. "I think so Coach. Or I can Google maps the way.", I lied. "Okay, if you say so. Be here tomorrow for lunch. Bye." Wow! God must be on my side! Lunch at their house? Is this really happening? I wanted to punch myself just to check if I'm dreaming or not. Well maybe if I wasn't driving I would have done so.
When I got home, I searched for the basketball team championship photo I kept. It was the only championship photo I kept and treasured all these years. It wasn't because it was the most memorable championship but because it was the only championship photo that Carla took for the school paper. I found it hidden among the basketball team memorabilia that my mom hid in a box she placed inside my cabinet. On top of it was the jersey I was planning to give to her after the victory party hosted by the school. I never got the chance to do so because she wasn't around that night. She was sick according to her dad. As I stare at the photo, I couldn't help but notice how I was smiling from ear to ear, which wasn't my usual smile whenever the photo's for the school paper. I would usually have a stern, suplado look in school because too many girls would always try to catch my attention in various traumatic ways. Most girls in school. But not Carla. Maybe that was the reason I was so smitten by her. She's so different from all the girls I've seen. As I continue staring at the photo, I still could not believe the revelation I got that night. The whole team knew. Coach Richard knew. The whole school knew. I don't know if I should be pissed about it or the fact that everybody knew except Carla.
Early the following day, I got up, dressed well for the occasion, and drove to her place. On the way to her house, I passed by a flower shop to get her a bouquet of flowers. Her favorite, pink roses. I hope she'll like it. When I got to her place, I found her shooting hoops. I was amazed. Years passed and her killer three's can still take my breath away. "Can I try my hand in shooting?", I shouted as I approach her. She turned my way and was surprised to see me at their yard. "Oh! It's you! The star basketball player.", she answered. I smiled. "Are you going to hand me those flowers or are they for my dad?", she teasingly said. "Why of course it's for your dad. I kinda took a liking for him when he was my coach.", I joked back. She laughed. Oh my! That laugh sounded like music to my ears. "It's for you actually. I was just kidding.", I said shyly, handing her the flowers. She smiled as she received the flowers. "Thank you. Is this just a lucky guess or you really did research on what my favorite flower is?" I turned beet red. I can feel that I did. Nervously dribbling the ball she handed me a while ago, I avoided her eyes and said, "It was just luck I guess." Oh boy! How can I tell her I know more than just her favorite flowers without sounding like a stalker? Thank heavens, her father went out to join us in the yard. If it weren't for his dad I would have melted right at that spot. I was already wishing the earth would swallow me up right that moment she asked about my choice of flowers. "Hey lovebirds, it's time for lunch.", Coach Richard said, putting an arm around Carla. "Dad! That's not the right way to welcome visitors.", she said while she nudged him at the rib. "Hi Coach! Thanks for inviting me for lunch.", I said. He winked back as we started walking towards the house. Lunch was great though Coach Richard would not let me go off the hook without stories of how I was back then. He even mentioned that I really really liked this girl back in high school but I never got the courage to ask her out. Talk about being on the hot seat. Carla however was quiet over lunch as she ate her "special diet" of veggies and grilled fish. When I asked them about this, they said it's just her preference. She smiled weakly at me and said, "I've gone vegan for some reason."
---
Three days after that lunch I had at their house, I dropped by their house after one of my show's taping to give her a basket of fresh organic veggies. She was already asleep when I reached her house. Coach Richard received it for her. "Son, thank you very much. You don't know how much this will mean to her. But let me just say, I hope you don't get your heart broken.", he said as I got inside my car. I was puzzled. All the way from their house in Mandaluyong to my place in Tandang Sora, I couldn't help but think of Coach Richard's parting words. Why will I get my heart broken? Could it be that she does not like me at all? Or maybe, she's already in a relationship with someone else? Questions flooded my mind but the answers wouldn't come.
The following day, I decided to pass by her house first before I go to my scheduled taping. I found her sitting at a bench inside their yard, reading a book. "Hi!", I called to her. She looked up, surprised to see me there so early. "Oh hi! Thanks for the veggies by the way." "Glad you liked them. Can I sit beside you?" "Of course.", she smiled. "What are you reading?", I asked. "Oh, it's just a medical book explaining about Leukemia and chemotherapy." Leukemia? Chemotherapy? Why would she be reading a book about it when she wasn't a med student? As far as I know, she graduated with a degree in Advertising. "Are you planning on studying medicine?", I asked. She just smiled at me and went back to reading the book. After a while, she asked me, "Don't you have work today?" "Actually I have. I just wanted to spend some time here before I go to the location of my taping. I'll be gone for 3 days.", I said. I would rather spend time there than go to work actually. But I cannot tell her that. She smiled weakly at me, that same smile she gave me when she told me she had gone vegan. "Oh. You take care then. By the way, you can stay here as long as you want. But I have to go back inside. I feel tired already. Must be because of the medicines they made me took this morning. Bye Yuan." She stood up, went inside with the book she was reading, leaving me to ponder on things. First, her dad's puzzling statement the night before, then the book she was reading, and finally, she mentioned medicines. After a few minutes, I got up and went to my car, starting the drive towards my location shoot south of the Metro.
---
As soon as I got back to the Metro after my three-day location shoot, I decided to call Coach Richard. Three days of being away did not keep my mind off of the things that involve Carla. "Are you back in Manila?", was the first thing the Coach said to me when he answered his phone. "Yes Coach I am. Is there something wrong?", I nervously asked. "Get here as fast as you can. We're at Med City.", he answered. Not bothering to ask why, I ended the call and drove as fast as I can to Ortigas. Oh God, could it be Carla? What happened to her? Please God do not let it be her, I prayed. When I got there, I was informed that she was brought to the emergency room. As soon as I reached the emergency room, I saw Coach Richard in a seat nearby, with his face buried deep in his hands. "Coach?", I called out to him. He looked up and thanked me for being there. "Is it Carla? What happened?", I asked. "This morning, she did not respond to her medicines. She kept on vomiting all morning." "Medicine? Why? What's her illness?" "She was diagnosed with leukemia 5 months ago. She's been on chemo for 4 months now." Everything around me slowed down as I heard those words. It couldn't be. She couldn't be so sick. The doctor emerged from the ER and approached Coach Richard. "Sir, she's stable now. We sedated her and gave her an IV. We're moving her to a room. You can see her once we've already placed her in her private room. But I must admit, I'm worried about her response to chemotherapy. I'm afraid, we have to pray harder for her to survive. But we will do everything", the doctor said. As soon as I heard the phrase I'm afraid, I ran. As soon as I reached my car, I drove blinded by the tears that kept coming in my eyes. No! It couldn't be true. She's not sick. I don't know where I was going but I continued driving. I was surprised to see myself in front of the chapel where I first saw her again a few days ago. I got out of my car, went inside the chapel and tearfully said, "Why her God? Why her???! Why bring her back to my life only to get her back??! Answer me!" As I knelt down, the tears would not stop from flowing. I could not bear losing her, the girl of my dreams. For the first time in my life, I felt pain. I felt like my heart's breaking to a million pieces. Coach was right. He hoped I wouldn't get my heart broken. But here I am, in pain and hurting. As I was letting the tears flow from my eyes, a small voice inside me asked, "I asked You back then what is your heart's greatest desire. Are you ready to answer Me now?" Could it be God asking me that? "Oh God! Let her live please! That is what I desire most in this life. Just let her live and be strong again. I'll do everything to make her happy." Something warm enveloped me and the tears stopped falling. I got up, went to my car and drove back to the hospital. When I got to her room, she was still asleep. Not bothering to go home to get a fresh set of clothes, I stayed at the hospital, holding her hand as I fell asleep. In the middle of the night, I was awakened by a soft squeeze in my hand. "Hi.", she softly said. "Why are you here?", she asked. "I wanted to be here. To see you when you open your eyes.", I smiled, trying to hide my bloodshot eyes due to crying the whole night. "Thank you.", she said while reaching out to touch my cheek. "You know what, I have loved you for so long. I have loved you since high school.", she said. "Do you remember that day you tried-out for the basketball team? I was there. I saw you for the first time. And I fell in love with you that day." "Oh Carla!", was all I could say before the tears kept me from saying anything more. I just held her. I held her while memories of me stealing glances at her occupy my mind. "And I know you have loved me since high school too. I knew Yuan. Everybody knew.", she whispered. I reached over and kissed her on the forehead with everything that I've felt for her since that day I saw her shoot hoops nine years ago. It was an understatement to say that this girl in front of me, in a hospital bed with IV's and tubes attached to her, is the love of my life.
---
The rain kept on pouring the whole afternoon and my mind's going more restless by the minute. The stormy season was just starting at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, I was a completely different man. Two weeks ago, I wasn't so sure that love is for me. But here I am, waiting at this small chapel, waiting for the love of my life to walk down that aisle dressed in white. Gone are the playboy days of Yuan Co. Here and now, until forever, there is only one girl in my heart and mind. She's always been there. Carla, the girl of my dreams. My biggest high school crush. The one who brought me down on my knees to beg God to let her live. She only has six months to live according to the doctor but I know God can make miracles. He already did, that day He made our paths cross again in this same chapel.
Monday, May 30, 2011
spiritual battlefield
march, april and may felt like a dry season. a very dry one. yes, God still talks to me but not for myself. He would talk to me about the people around me, usually with messages for these people but He's got no message for me. I would pray and do my quiet time but most of the time, His messages and answers are not for me but for others. It felt like I was just a watchman in His kingdom and I needed to carry out the messages He commanded me to give to certain people.
i felt unspecial in His eyes. I felt that my worth in Him depreciated. like I was no longer the favored daughter, the princess, and the apple of His eyes. somewhere in my heart, I know that it's just a phase, a season I need to undergo because He is working on something for me and in me. but when things don't feel like going good, when provisions seem to be lacking a lot of times, when tongues accuse a lot, when people judge a lot, I felt so low and unloved by my God.
until one night, when I was rumbling and ranting to Him about these things, He answered me with:
Isaiah 54 The Future Glory of Zion
1 “Sing, barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,”
says the LORD.
2 “Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities.
4 “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
5 For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected,” says your God.
7 “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the LORD your Redeemer.
9 “To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.
10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
11 “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,[a]
your foundations with lapis lazuli.
12 I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your children will be taught by the LORD,
and great will be their peace.
14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
16 “See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc;
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,”
declares the LORD.
no weapon formed against me will prevail. and every tongue who accuses me i will refute. because the Lord is my vindication. that is my future glory. i believed that. I cry over those words. no, He did not leave me all alone. He just wants me to seek Him more and not be complacent. i can go on my days not worrying about things because I know God is there to back me up.
until one night after my usual thursday church schedule, the living room of my house turned into a spiritual battlefield. it was a good thing Jeremy has not left the house yet that time. i could not breathe (or according to Jeremy, i was no longer breathing), i had my fists clenched and SOMETHING WAS HOLDING MY FOOT. there was no one at home. my mom was in Bohol and I was spending the rest of the week alone at home with my lola living just next door. no, it wasnt just an anxiety attack. Jeremy couldnt make me open my eyes. I couldnt hear him anymore nor can I feel him tapping (slapping was more like it he said) my face. It wasnt my body giving in to exhaustion or something. He felt a negative presence in the place. And yes he's right about the negative presence. He was already speaking in tongues when I opened my eyes abruptly. He should have stopped but i think it scared him a bit when I said, "Dont stop what you're doing until I tell you to." I wasnt looking entirely at him, I was staring at something near my face. And that something was staring right back at me. While this something is staring at me, another thing is holding my right foot. I started praying in tongues. Louder than Jeremy has ever heard me pray in tongues. Louder than I ever heard myself speak in tongues. But that moment, it felt like I wasnt the one speaking. It felt like someone else is doing it for me. I dont even know how I commanded the two things to release me. Jeremy just told me that I commanded the one holding my foot to let go of my foot and for the two of them to leave my house. this attack was not the first one I experienced at home. one time while I was sleeping, my mom woke up to find me gagging up myself with both of my hands with my eyes looking like i've seen a ghost. another time, while i was alone in bed, i could not find the strength to get up because something heavy is at my chest. what scared the hell out of me that time was that the bed started to squeak which only happens when someone moves in bed. another time also, while i was asleep, i grabbed my mom's hand as she was going to put off the alarm and i said, "Huwag..." in a very scary tone.
when the spiritual battle was done, we were both perspiring like we ran a marathon. the room was humid despite the door being opened. here's what we felt about the things that bothered me that time: there's a spirit of hatred, a spirit of adultery, and a spirit of physical abuse that lingers on the house. and the two things we fought off were feeding on those spirits. something was also impressed to Jeremy. a scene flashed in front of him. it was of a husband and a pregnant wife fighting and the husband hit the wife right there at the sink. this is connected with the physical abuse spirit we felt. that night, i couldnt sleep. i prayed but i still felt afraid. i must have fallen asleep at around 5am because there was light already outside the windows.
then I was reminded of the word He gave me last week. the one in Isaiah 54.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
Yes, it wasnt His doing. It was the work of something sinister, something that fears the power of women especially women who walks in God's will.
the following night, I took out my Bible after praying to God to remove my fear and the spirits hanging around. His answer made me cry out of relief. He said:
Ruth 3:11
"And now, my daughter, dont be afraid. I will do for you all you ask."
and last night, when I was still anxious to sleep at home, He said to me:
Matthew 20:32
Jesus stopped and called them, "What do you want me to do for you?" He asked.
i told Him, remove the spirits at home, make me sleep in peace and just let Your power rule over the house.
And with all His power, I know that His blood has already cleansed the house of any entity that was living in there.
:)
i felt unspecial in His eyes. I felt that my worth in Him depreciated. like I was no longer the favored daughter, the princess, and the apple of His eyes. somewhere in my heart, I know that it's just a phase, a season I need to undergo because He is working on something for me and in me. but when things don't feel like going good, when provisions seem to be lacking a lot of times, when tongues accuse a lot, when people judge a lot, I felt so low and unloved by my God.
until one night, when I was rumbling and ranting to Him about these things, He answered me with:
Isaiah 54 The Future Glory of Zion
1 “Sing, barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,”
says the LORD.
2 “Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide,
do not hold back;
lengthen your cords,
strengthen your stakes.
3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities.
4 “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
5 For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected,” says your God.
7 “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but with deep compassion I will bring you back.
8 In a surge of anger
I hid my face from you for a moment,
but with everlasting kindness
I will have compassion on you,”
says the LORD your Redeemer.
9 “To me this is like the days of Noah,
when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth.
So now I have sworn not to be angry with you,
never to rebuke you again.
10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
11 “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,[a]
your foundations with lapis lazuli.
12 I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones.
13 All your children will be taught by the LORD,
and great will be their peace.
14 In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
16 “See, it is I who created the blacksmith
who fans the coals into flame
and forges a weapon fit for its work.
And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc;
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,”
declares the LORD.
no weapon formed against me will prevail. and every tongue who accuses me i will refute. because the Lord is my vindication. that is my future glory. i believed that. I cry over those words. no, He did not leave me all alone. He just wants me to seek Him more and not be complacent. i can go on my days not worrying about things because I know God is there to back me up.
until one night after my usual thursday church schedule, the living room of my house turned into a spiritual battlefield. it was a good thing Jeremy has not left the house yet that time. i could not breathe (or according to Jeremy, i was no longer breathing), i had my fists clenched and SOMETHING WAS HOLDING MY FOOT. there was no one at home. my mom was in Bohol and I was spending the rest of the week alone at home with my lola living just next door. no, it wasnt just an anxiety attack. Jeremy couldnt make me open my eyes. I couldnt hear him anymore nor can I feel him tapping (slapping was more like it he said) my face. It wasnt my body giving in to exhaustion or something. He felt a negative presence in the place. And yes he's right about the negative presence. He was already speaking in tongues when I opened my eyes abruptly. He should have stopped but i think it scared him a bit when I said, "Dont stop what you're doing until I tell you to." I wasnt looking entirely at him, I was staring at something near my face. And that something was staring right back at me. While this something is staring at me, another thing is holding my right foot. I started praying in tongues. Louder than Jeremy has ever heard me pray in tongues. Louder than I ever heard myself speak in tongues. But that moment, it felt like I wasnt the one speaking. It felt like someone else is doing it for me. I dont even know how I commanded the two things to release me. Jeremy just told me that I commanded the one holding my foot to let go of my foot and for the two of them to leave my house. this attack was not the first one I experienced at home. one time while I was sleeping, my mom woke up to find me gagging up myself with both of my hands with my eyes looking like i've seen a ghost. another time, while i was alone in bed, i could not find the strength to get up because something heavy is at my chest. what scared the hell out of me that time was that the bed started to squeak which only happens when someone moves in bed. another time also, while i was asleep, i grabbed my mom's hand as she was going to put off the alarm and i said, "Huwag..." in a very scary tone.
when the spiritual battle was done, we were both perspiring like we ran a marathon. the room was humid despite the door being opened. here's what we felt about the things that bothered me that time: there's a spirit of hatred, a spirit of adultery, and a spirit of physical abuse that lingers on the house. and the two things we fought off were feeding on those spirits. something was also impressed to Jeremy. a scene flashed in front of him. it was of a husband and a pregnant wife fighting and the husband hit the wife right there at the sink. this is connected with the physical abuse spirit we felt. that night, i couldnt sleep. i prayed but i still felt afraid. i must have fallen asleep at around 5am because there was light already outside the windows.
then I was reminded of the word He gave me last week. the one in Isaiah 54.
15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing;
whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
17 no weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
Yes, it wasnt His doing. It was the work of something sinister, something that fears the power of women especially women who walks in God's will.
the following night, I took out my Bible after praying to God to remove my fear and the spirits hanging around. His answer made me cry out of relief. He said:
Ruth 3:11
"And now, my daughter, dont be afraid. I will do for you all you ask."
and last night, when I was still anxious to sleep at home, He said to me:
Matthew 20:32
Jesus stopped and called them, "What do you want me to do for you?" He asked.
i told Him, remove the spirits at home, make me sleep in peace and just let Your power rule over the house.
And with all His power, I know that His blood has already cleansed the house of any entity that was living in there.
:)
Monday, May 23, 2011
written for my goliath
today will be the last day you will ever cross my mind
because today, the answers i will finally find...
the why's and how's of you leaving me behind
they're all going to be forgotten as i say my goodbye.
it doesnt matter if you talk to me ever again
nor will it matter if you ever let me know you're in pain...
all that matters to me now is my future with him
because he now holds my present, my future and my heart.
when you left without saying why or even goodbye
all i can do is watch our memories pass me by
of that night you last brought me home,
the same night i last saw your face.
or that day you called just to sing me that song
and of that night we stayed talking in the rain...
as we watched the world fall right in front of our eyes
i took a glimpse at you and saw a distant look in your eyes.
it could be about her, the girl you never mentioned.
the one whose name has been made into a song
the one whose hands still hold your heart
and the one whose memories will never be replaced in your life.
as I go on my life and my future with my love
i just want to let you know that i will forever be thankful
that when you crossed my path, you made me learn a lot
you made me see that i should be loved and im worth more than that...
i dont need the answers, i can go on without them
life's been better because God healed my heart
when He removed you from my life, He has the best in mind
and that's what I got when you left me without goodbye.
-gillian hero g. angeles
(i've moved on a long time ago... but there were still questions that needed to be answered. or so i thought. i dont need them anymore. they are part of my past with him and my present has no space for him and for them. i'm letting go of all the questions in my head because my Jeremy is worth more than all the answers i needed to get and he deserves nothing but the best of me...)
for you, my "goliath", the man literally after God's own heart (by name), may God bless you with all your hearts desires. may you finally have the one meant to be yours. the one you will not leave behind.
because today, the answers i will finally find...
the why's and how's of you leaving me behind
they're all going to be forgotten as i say my goodbye.
it doesnt matter if you talk to me ever again
nor will it matter if you ever let me know you're in pain...
all that matters to me now is my future with him
because he now holds my present, my future and my heart.
when you left without saying why or even goodbye
all i can do is watch our memories pass me by
of that night you last brought me home,
the same night i last saw your face.
or that day you called just to sing me that song
and of that night we stayed talking in the rain...
as we watched the world fall right in front of our eyes
i took a glimpse at you and saw a distant look in your eyes.
it could be about her, the girl you never mentioned.
the one whose name has been made into a song
the one whose hands still hold your heart
and the one whose memories will never be replaced in your life.
as I go on my life and my future with my love
i just want to let you know that i will forever be thankful
that when you crossed my path, you made me learn a lot
you made me see that i should be loved and im worth more than that...
i dont need the answers, i can go on without them
life's been better because God healed my heart
when He removed you from my life, He has the best in mind
and that's what I got when you left me without goodbye.
-gillian hero g. angeles
(i've moved on a long time ago... but there were still questions that needed to be answered. or so i thought. i dont need them anymore. they are part of my past with him and my present has no space for him and for them. i'm letting go of all the questions in my head because my Jeremy is worth more than all the answers i needed to get and he deserves nothing but the best of me...)
for you, my "goliath", the man literally after God's own heart (by name), may God bless you with all your hearts desires. may you finally have the one meant to be yours. the one you will not leave behind.
Friday, May 20, 2011
when the past comes haunting...
it was a happy night...
a rose, a cake and 2 blended drinks under the stars...
then boom!
a name was mentioned. a name that should have been deleted from the name list of all name lists, and from all the memories of everyone i know so that the name would never ever be mentioned again. if i'll have my way, i would even love it to be removed from the Bible. but i cant. God wont allow it. so endure is all that i can do.
what did the person do to deserve the wrath i feel for his name? nothing. he did NOTHING.
"Nothing??? Gillian are you nuts? You dont want to hear his name yet he's done nothing?" Yeah he did nothing. He didn't say a word that he's leaving, he didnt even bother to tell me "Hey I'm out of the door! Bye. See you when I see you." There was nothing.
He left without a word. He broke my heart without saying so. He did not even bother to tell me why.
And he did that 3x.
Okay call me naive, dumb, fool, stupid or whatever you may want to call me because I should have never let him back after the first time he left but i was blinded by my love for him back then.
And after a few heart-breaking and ego-bursting relationships and dates with men who would always live in the shadow of his gentleness, of his smile, of physique, and of his bass playing skills, I learned that no one can ever take over the place he has in my heart EXCEPT for one. That's my God's best. And mind you, Jeremy did.
it's just that....
i wanted answers. WANTED. when Jeremy came to my life, the questions were all forgotten. I am happy with the one I have now, the one I will forever have. but why would the questions resurface at the most unexpected times? is it because I havent totally moved on? i dont think so. i'd like to think that the questions would resurface because I was still imprisoned by the "Why's" of the past and ONLY THE TRUTH CAN SET ME FREE.
That night, Jeremy said, "Alam mo, kakausapin ko na yang si ____ eh! Hindi ba niya alam epekto ng ginawa niya sayo? He should have been man enough to face you." He wasn't mad or jealous as my boyfriend. He was simply hurt that a princess of God was defrauded and that the man, a born-again Christian, was not even man enough to face the princess he hurt.
i could have simply messaged him on facebook. after all, he and i are now facebook friends again. (i deleted him after he left the third time, and it was only this december that he added me again). but i know that it wont be the right vehicle for that. i can go to his gigs and say, "hey! care to enlighten me why you left without saying a word?" but i know it's not yet the right time. Jeremy thinks so too. He thinks God still want to teach the guy something before he goes to talk to me.
i guess i just have to trust God that his timing is always perfect.
(how ironic that he is my goliath...)
a rose, a cake and 2 blended drinks under the stars...
then boom!
a name was mentioned. a name that should have been deleted from the name list of all name lists, and from all the memories of everyone i know so that the name would never ever be mentioned again. if i'll have my way, i would even love it to be removed from the Bible. but i cant. God wont allow it. so endure is all that i can do.
what did the person do to deserve the wrath i feel for his name? nothing. he did NOTHING.
"Nothing??? Gillian are you nuts? You dont want to hear his name yet he's done nothing?" Yeah he did nothing. He didn't say a word that he's leaving, he didnt even bother to tell me "Hey I'm out of the door! Bye. See you when I see you." There was nothing.
He left without a word. He broke my heart without saying so. He did not even bother to tell me why.
And he did that 3x.
Okay call me naive, dumb, fool, stupid or whatever you may want to call me because I should have never let him back after the first time he left but i was blinded by my love for him back then.
And after a few heart-breaking and ego-bursting relationships and dates with men who would always live in the shadow of his gentleness, of his smile, of physique, and of his bass playing skills, I learned that no one can ever take over the place he has in my heart EXCEPT for one. That's my God's best. And mind you, Jeremy did.
it's just that....
i wanted answers. WANTED. when Jeremy came to my life, the questions were all forgotten. I am happy with the one I have now, the one I will forever have. but why would the questions resurface at the most unexpected times? is it because I havent totally moved on? i dont think so. i'd like to think that the questions would resurface because I was still imprisoned by the "Why's" of the past and ONLY THE TRUTH CAN SET ME FREE.
That night, Jeremy said, "Alam mo, kakausapin ko na yang si ____ eh! Hindi ba niya alam epekto ng ginawa niya sayo? He should have been man enough to face you." He wasn't mad or jealous as my boyfriend. He was simply hurt that a princess of God was defrauded and that the man, a born-again Christian, was not even man enough to face the princess he hurt.
i could have simply messaged him on facebook. after all, he and i are now facebook friends again. (i deleted him after he left the third time, and it was only this december that he added me again). but i know that it wont be the right vehicle for that. i can go to his gigs and say, "hey! care to enlighten me why you left without saying a word?" but i know it's not yet the right time. Jeremy thinks so too. He thinks God still want to teach the guy something before he goes to talk to me.
i guess i just have to trust God that his timing is always perfect.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
a humbling experience...
first let me say, I've never lined up for anything aside from school assembly lines and fastfood order lines. i got my voter's registration without lining up and literally passing 2 blocks worth of people lined up to register. i got my SSS application filed without me going to their office to line up. my TIN number was given to me without me going to their office to file it, simply, someone from my previous work got my TIN number for me. i also dont line up for concerts because i would usually get all-access pass.
but God made me line up for something i want last Sunday. how? I was praying to Him for something I've been wanting to join since college days and His answer was a question I did not expect. He told me, "To get that, are you willing to do something you've never done before?" The word He gave me was the story in the Bible where Peter stepped out of the boat.
so what have I not done before? i pondered on that and kept asking myself. until one day, i noticed a group of people lined up for an ice cream sample booth here at Galleria. and it suddenly dawned on me what I havent done before. I havent lined up for something I want or needed. So I asked myself, "Gillian, are you willing to line up for the audition? it's going to be under the sun, with different kinds of people and attitude."
am I willing to do that just so i can finally audition for MYX VJ search, a contest i've been wanting to join since I was a college student?
sunday morning. I woke up from barely 3 hours of sleep. i wasnt excited about the day but i know it's the day I chose to audition for MYX. so i prepped up, had my make up done by my mom and went out of the house armed with my photos, and 2 valid id's. mind you, the day before that, i've been wondering if they will accept my philhealth ID since they were asking for 2 valid id's with birthdate but the only valid id's that i have are my passport and my philhealth card. that day, as soon as i woke up, God impressed something in my heart. He reminded me of my NBI clearance. i searched for it and lo and behold, it has my birthday on it. so armed with my photos and passport and nbi clearance, i went to ABSCBN.
and i lined up.
i waited for a few hours and it was freakin hot at that time (audition starts at 10am). i was even asked to wait another hour since my turn falls exactly at the lunch break time. when i entered the interview room, i wasnt nervous. i was far from it. but i wasnt too confident too. i was just, happy. happy to be there. to finally do what i've been wanting to do for years already. the interview was good. when i was asked what kind of music i like, i proudly said "Christian music!". i didnt say that to come of as too spiritual but I said that because it was the first thing that came to mind, and it's my most favorite genre of music now, and that kind of music kept me calm while i was lined up and waiting for my turn.
i may pass the audition or not, I would still be happy that i got to experience 2 things that day. first, lining up for something I want or needed. and second, I've got to finally do something I've been wanting to do. atleast, i will never get the "what-if" question in my head.
if it's for me, it's for me. God will make sure of that.
if it's not, i know His plans are way better than mine.
atleast, i would not go on with life thinking, "I should have given it a try."
but God made me line up for something i want last Sunday. how? I was praying to Him for something I've been wanting to join since college days and His answer was a question I did not expect. He told me, "To get that, are you willing to do something you've never done before?" The word He gave me was the story in the Bible where Peter stepped out of the boat.
so what have I not done before? i pondered on that and kept asking myself. until one day, i noticed a group of people lined up for an ice cream sample booth here at Galleria. and it suddenly dawned on me what I havent done before. I havent lined up for something I want or needed. So I asked myself, "Gillian, are you willing to line up for the audition? it's going to be under the sun, with different kinds of people and attitude."
am I willing to do that just so i can finally audition for MYX VJ search, a contest i've been wanting to join since I was a college student?
sunday morning. I woke up from barely 3 hours of sleep. i wasnt excited about the day but i know it's the day I chose to audition for MYX. so i prepped up, had my make up done by my mom and went out of the house armed with my photos, and 2 valid id's. mind you, the day before that, i've been wondering if they will accept my philhealth ID since they were asking for 2 valid id's with birthdate but the only valid id's that i have are my passport and my philhealth card. that day, as soon as i woke up, God impressed something in my heart. He reminded me of my NBI clearance. i searched for it and lo and behold, it has my birthday on it. so armed with my photos and passport and nbi clearance, i went to ABSCBN.
and i lined up.
i waited for a few hours and it was freakin hot at that time (audition starts at 10am). i was even asked to wait another hour since my turn falls exactly at the lunch break time. when i entered the interview room, i wasnt nervous. i was far from it. but i wasnt too confident too. i was just, happy. happy to be there. to finally do what i've been wanting to do for years already. the interview was good. when i was asked what kind of music i like, i proudly said "Christian music!". i didnt say that to come of as too spiritual but I said that because it was the first thing that came to mind, and it's my most favorite genre of music now, and that kind of music kept me calm while i was lined up and waiting for my turn.
i may pass the audition or not, I would still be happy that i got to experience 2 things that day. first, lining up for something I want or needed. and second, I've got to finally do something I've been wanting to do. atleast, i will never get the "what-if" question in my head.
if it's for me, it's for me. God will make sure of that.
if it's not, i know His plans are way better than mine.
atleast, i would not go on with life thinking, "I should have given it a try."
Monday, May 16, 2011
i have a void in me that my husband cannot fill -maria shriver
i was watching TMZ the other day and they quoted Maria Shriver to have said "i have a void in me that my husband can never ever fill..."
yes, Miss Maria, you are right. Mr. Terminator can never fill that void you have in your life. and neither will your kids, the whole Kennedy clan, or the whole of America who shows you sympathy right now fill that void you have in your life.
but i know of a man who can.
his name is JESUS.
there is a mistake that most women commit when they get married. THEY EXPECT THEIR HUSBANDS TO FILL UP THE VOID THEY HAVE IN THEM. and most of the time, THEY GET DISAPPOINTED. then most of the time, the marriage ends in separation.
if we only enter marriage to have someone fill us up, then we should be prepared to crash and burn. no man, no matter how much he loves you, can ever fill you up.
both persons entering marriage should first be complete in mind, soul, and spirit before they say "I do". they should know first their real worth and that they should be complete in God first before they enter the most challenging chapter of their lives - MARRIAGE.
i know of a couple who got married just because they want to leave their families already. they suffer too much inside their own families that they opted to tie the knot so they can escape. years after, their marriage started to fall apart. why? because the same things that was happening in their own families where the same things that were happening within their marriage. they just wanted to escape, but the past came running after them. it's sad to see couples separate just because they never really built a strong foundation but it's sadder to see couples separate because they were married with the wrong intentions.
i was rereading the book Captivating while my boyfriend, Jeremy, was rereading the book Wild at Heart. those two books are related. written by the same author but for different purposes. the book Cpativating is for women, while the book Wild at Heart is for men. one day, we got talking about the book. or should I say, he shared a truth he learned from the book. He said it amazes him how God works in the lives of both men and women and with their hearts. A man's heart is one half of a puzzle while a woman's heart is the other half. BUT, those two hearts should be first complete so that they can complete the heart they were created to complete. Whose heart is it? God's. A man's complete heart plus a woman's complete heart, when they were joined as one is God's heart. that's how He created it to be. that is why marriages should be celebrated because it is God's heart reigning in them.
yes, Miss Maria, you are right. Mr. Terminator can never fill that void you have in your life. and neither will your kids, the whole Kennedy clan, or the whole of America who shows you sympathy right now fill that void you have in your life.
but i know of a man who can.
his name is JESUS.
there is a mistake that most women commit when they get married. THEY EXPECT THEIR HUSBANDS TO FILL UP THE VOID THEY HAVE IN THEM. and most of the time, THEY GET DISAPPOINTED. then most of the time, the marriage ends in separation.
if we only enter marriage to have someone fill us up, then we should be prepared to crash and burn. no man, no matter how much he loves you, can ever fill you up.
both persons entering marriage should first be complete in mind, soul, and spirit before they say "I do". they should know first their real worth and that they should be complete in God first before they enter the most challenging chapter of their lives - MARRIAGE.
i know of a couple who got married just because they want to leave their families already. they suffer too much inside their own families that they opted to tie the knot so they can escape. years after, their marriage started to fall apart. why? because the same things that was happening in their own families where the same things that were happening within their marriage. they just wanted to escape, but the past came running after them. it's sad to see couples separate just because they never really built a strong foundation but it's sadder to see couples separate because they were married with the wrong intentions.
i was rereading the book Captivating while my boyfriend, Jeremy, was rereading the book Wild at Heart. those two books are related. written by the same author but for different purposes. the book Cpativating is for women, while the book Wild at Heart is for men. one day, we got talking about the book. or should I say, he shared a truth he learned from the book. He said it amazes him how God works in the lives of both men and women and with their hearts. A man's heart is one half of a puzzle while a woman's heart is the other half. BUT, those two hearts should be first complete so that they can complete the heart they were created to complete. Whose heart is it? God's. A man's complete heart plus a woman's complete heart, when they were joined as one is God's heart. that's how He created it to be. that is why marriages should be celebrated because it is God's heart reigning in them.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
she wants to find her match
(disclaimer - any similarities to any person, couple or love triangle whether living or dead is not intentional. bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan, well, tinamaan. maybe it's time you assess your heart.)
here's a story:
a girl, well she's heartbroken. not only because her boyfriend left her but also because 2 years and a half after, he finds THE ONE that he will marry. but the girl has not yet moved on. so now, this girl, well she's hell bent on finding her perfect match.
what's wrong with the scenario?
"she's hell bent on finding her perfect match..."
Whoa! Finding? Really??!
You may ask, what's wrong with finding. Oh trust me something's wrong with it. Here - A WOMAN WAS NEVER MEANT TO FIND. SHE IS THE ONE TO BE FOUND.
first let's dissect the scenario. her boyfriend left her. broke her heart. but why? dont they have a good relationship? let's say they have. let's say they have been together for 5 years already. that's too long right? they have been thru a lot of uphills and downhills yet, we ask, what went wrong? i'll give you options.
A. the girl got too clingy, too needy and too emotional.
B. the guy called it quits because she was just a convenience he could not leave back then but he got the guts and called the whole thing off.
C. they were never meant to be.
what will be your choice? if im the girl, i'd rather believe that C is the answer. that we were just not meant to be. but what if it's A? well, atleast the girl will learn from her mistake and assess herself why she became "too much". But what if it's B? Oh boy! that's the most painful among the choices. To hear that the guy never really loved you and he just stayed because YOU ARE A CONVENIENCE? Tsk tsk tsk. What a jerk right?
let's focus on Option B. She was just a convenience. There are different kinds of convenience. For example, he just likes having her around because she's like a good barkada. Or maybe, he likes to have her around for the sex. Or maybe, she's just to good to him that he thinks she's too convenient to be a comfort zone. But nonetheless, whatever type of convenience the girl was, the fact remains that she was JUST a convenience. Hurtful aint it? trust me, a lot of girls are in that situation right now. and a lot has been into that situation before. Are there really that many jerks in the world? Well YES. But, there are always 2 sides of the coin. The guy was a jerk, we know that already. But what about the girl? What type of girl is she?
The Girl. She's your average girl. pretty but not extraordinary in the looks department. not model type, nor is she the prettiest face in the crowd. typical girl. friendly. bubbly. cheerful. nothing wrong with those description right? but here's the thing, one guy would describe her as EASY. but why? could this be the reason she was just a convenience? could it be that she's tagged as easy because the guy texted her "sweet" text messages for a week and she's already got her heart on her sleeve telling the whole wide world that she's in love? or maybe, she took a liking for guy first, thus she moved heaven and hell just to get him. or maybe, just maybe, it's the subtle way she would always appear out of nowhere to chat with the guy, or maybe presenting food to the guy alluring him to what she can offer. You may ask me, "you call her easy only because of those things? are you nuts? are you judgmental?"
here's the thing, those things are not actions of a woman anchored deeply in her worth as a woman. a woman must wait patiently for the right timing from God. she must not be off pursuing men just because she likes them. she must also not rush off into a relationship without asking God, "is this right?" and hearing it loud and clear that "YES MY DEAR, HE'S THE ONE."
the thing is, most women, they tend to be the girl in the story. i, myself, have been at one point or another have been the girl in the story. and what did i end up with? A BROKEN HEART. BRUISED EGO. RIPPED SOUL. that's what happens when we put our wants and our will above God's.
But you might say, "but Yani, im in a relationship with a Christian man and we have the same beliefs. we pray for each other. i pray to God that He will bless the relationship." let me tell you this,
"you may fall in love with a born-again Christian man and he may be a man after God's own heart but it wont still be the perfect relationship unless God is the author of it."
Girls, never PURSUE. BE PURSUED.
but most especially, WAIT UPON THE LORD. Do not put matters into your own hands.
:)
here's a story:
a girl, well she's heartbroken. not only because her boyfriend left her but also because 2 years and a half after, he finds THE ONE that he will marry. but the girl has not yet moved on. so now, this girl, well she's hell bent on finding her perfect match.
what's wrong with the scenario?
"she's hell bent on finding her perfect match..."
Whoa! Finding? Really??!
You may ask, what's wrong with finding. Oh trust me something's wrong with it. Here - A WOMAN WAS NEVER MEANT TO FIND. SHE IS THE ONE TO BE FOUND.
first let's dissect the scenario. her boyfriend left her. broke her heart. but why? dont they have a good relationship? let's say they have. let's say they have been together for 5 years already. that's too long right? they have been thru a lot of uphills and downhills yet, we ask, what went wrong? i'll give you options.
A. the girl got too clingy, too needy and too emotional.
B. the guy called it quits because she was just a convenience he could not leave back then but he got the guts and called the whole thing off.
C. they were never meant to be.
what will be your choice? if im the girl, i'd rather believe that C is the answer. that we were just not meant to be. but what if it's A? well, atleast the girl will learn from her mistake and assess herself why she became "too much". But what if it's B? Oh boy! that's the most painful among the choices. To hear that the guy never really loved you and he just stayed because YOU ARE A CONVENIENCE? Tsk tsk tsk. What a jerk right?
let's focus on Option B. She was just a convenience. There are different kinds of convenience. For example, he just likes having her around because she's like a good barkada. Or maybe, he likes to have her around for the sex. Or maybe, she's just to good to him that he thinks she's too convenient to be a comfort zone. But nonetheless, whatever type of convenience the girl was, the fact remains that she was JUST a convenience. Hurtful aint it? trust me, a lot of girls are in that situation right now. and a lot has been into that situation before. Are there really that many jerks in the world? Well YES. But, there are always 2 sides of the coin. The guy was a jerk, we know that already. But what about the girl? What type of girl is she?
The Girl. She's your average girl. pretty but not extraordinary in the looks department. not model type, nor is she the prettiest face in the crowd. typical girl. friendly. bubbly. cheerful. nothing wrong with those description right? but here's the thing, one guy would describe her as EASY. but why? could this be the reason she was just a convenience? could it be that she's tagged as easy because the guy texted her "sweet" text messages for a week and she's already got her heart on her sleeve telling the whole wide world that she's in love? or maybe, she took a liking for guy first, thus she moved heaven and hell just to get him. or maybe, just maybe, it's the subtle way she would always appear out of nowhere to chat with the guy, or maybe presenting food to the guy alluring him to what she can offer. You may ask me, "you call her easy only because of those things? are you nuts? are you judgmental?"
here's the thing, those things are not actions of a woman anchored deeply in her worth as a woman. a woman must wait patiently for the right timing from God. she must not be off pursuing men just because she likes them. she must also not rush off into a relationship without asking God, "is this right?" and hearing it loud and clear that "YES MY DEAR, HE'S THE ONE."
the thing is, most women, they tend to be the girl in the story. i, myself, have been at one point or another have been the girl in the story. and what did i end up with? A BROKEN HEART. BRUISED EGO. RIPPED SOUL. that's what happens when we put our wants and our will above God's.
But you might say, "but Yani, im in a relationship with a Christian man and we have the same beliefs. we pray for each other. i pray to God that He will bless the relationship." let me tell you this,
"you may fall in love with a born-again Christian man and he may be a man after God's own heart but it wont still be the perfect relationship unless God is the author of it."
Girls, never PURSUE. BE PURSUED.
but most especially, WAIT UPON THE LORD. Do not put matters into your own hands.
:)
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Are You Beautiful?
Are you beautiful?
I asked this simple question last night to the girls in my small group at church. They all answered Yes, thought some thought about it first while others answered with confidence. Well, that's for the girls in my small group and for other Christian girls I know. But what about you? What about the others who do not know that they are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)? Do they feel beautiful? Do they feel that they are, in their own little way, the most beautiful of all creation? Or do they live in the shadow of some "perfect" model of beauty or some standard that people and society has put? Or worst, they think they can never be beautiful or that they can never measure up a bit to what we call BEAUTY?
To be honest, if one of the girls last night answered me with a NO, I would have been devastated. A NO would have caused me heartache for the sole reason that NO WOMAN DESERVES TO FEEL UNPRETTY. EVERY WOMAN IS BEAUTIFUL.
Most women tend to disregard this aspect of who they are. They tend to hide their beauty within all the workload, baggy clothes, cheaply done hair color that does not even look good, or too much make-up. We hide in different personas just so we can hide our real beauty. Sadly, we even hide in dysfunctional relationships. Why do we hide? What are we afraid of?
Let's go back to our childhood. Back to the time when all we want to do is play Princess and dress up in anything shimmery and shiny just so we can feel that we are indeed little princesses in a big kingdom. We would always ask the people around us, especially mom and dad, this one simple question yet the answers we get would wound our core, would bring a lot of messages to our hearts. What's the question?
"Am i beautiful?"
Lucky you if your parents dotted on you and would tell you that you are the most beautiful princess in the whole universe. But for most women, it wasnt the case. And they grew up believing that they are not. So should our parents be entirely blamed? Partly, they should be. But not entirely. They are just living in a world east of Eden. So who should be entirely blamed? Let us go back to Creation and to the Fall of Man.
(Excerpts from the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge)
The Crown of Creation (p.22)
We will never truly understand women until we understand this. The scene begins in darkness,
Darkness over the deep and God's breath hovering over the waters. (Gen. 1:2 Alter)
The breathless moment in the dark before the first notes of a great symphony or concert, a play or an epic film. All is formless, empty, dark. Then a voice speaks.
"Let there be light." (Gen. 1:3 Alter)
And suddenly, there is light, pure light, magnificent light. Its radiance will enable us to see now what is unfolding. The voice speaks again, and again.
"Let there be a vault in the midst of the waters, and let it divide water from water." (Gen. 1:6 Alter)
"Let the waters under the heavens be gathered in one place so that the dry land will appear."
(Gen.1:9 Alter)
"Let the earth grow grass plants... and trees bearing fruit..." (Gen. 1:11 Alter)
"Let there be lights in the vault of the heavens..." (Gen.1:14 Alter)
"Let the waters swarm with the swarm of living creatures and let the fowl fly over the earth..." (Gen. 1:20 Alter)
From water and stone, to pomegrenatee and rose, to leopard and nightingale, CREATION ASCENDS IN BEAUTY. What was once formless and empty is now overflowing with life and color and sound and movement in a thousand variations. Most importantly, notice that each creature is MORE intricate and noble and mysterious than the last.
Then somethingtruly astonishing takes place.
God sets his own image on the earth. He creates a being like Himself. He creates a son.
The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed life into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. (Gen.2:7)
It is nearing the end of the 6th day, the end of the Creator's great labor, as Adam steps forth, the image of God, the triumph of his work. He alone is pronounced the son of God. Nothing in Creation even comes close. Truly, the masterpiece seems complete. AND YET, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something is missing... and that something is EVE.
And the Lord God cast a deep sleep on the human, and he slept, and He took one of his ribs and closed over the flesh where it had been, and the Lord God built the rib He had taken from the human into a woman and He brought her to the human. (Gen. 2:21-23 Alter)
She is the crescendo, the final, astonishing work of God. WOMAN. In one last flourish Creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch. Eve is... breathtaking.
Given the way creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of Creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch. She fills a place in the world and no one else can fill.
Isn't that amazing? We, women, are the most beautiful among ALL of His creations. But what happened? Why are we feeling like we are not beautiful? Like we will never measure to what society calls beautiful? Let's step back into the Bible thru the book Captivating.
The Fall of Eve (p.46)
Now the serpent was the shrewdest of all the creatures the Lord God had made. "Really?" he asked the woman. "Did God really say you must not eat any of the fruit in the garden?"
"Of course we may eat it," the woman told him. "It's only the fruit from the tree at the center of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God says we must not eat it or even touch it, or we will die."
"You won't die!" the serpent hissed. "God knows that your eyes will be opened when you eat it. You will become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil."
The woman was convinced. The fruit looked so fresh and delicious, and it would make her so wise! So she ate some of the fruit. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her. Then he ate it too. (Gen.3:1-6 NLT)
The woman was convinced. That's it? Just like that? In a matter of moments? Convinced of what? look in your own heart - you'll see. Convinced that God was holding out on her. Convinced that she could not trust His heart toward her.
Thus, we are cursed. Woman is cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control (especially her man) and the feeling that we will never measure up to the word beautiful. So who's to blame? Eve? No! She's just a victim, just like you and me. Blame someone who has a special hatred for women.
Special Hatred (p.82)
For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule the world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. (Eph. 6:12 NLT)
Why does Satan make Eve the focus of his assault on humanity?
You may know that Satan was first named Lucifer, or Son of the Morning. It infers a glory, a brightness or radiance unique to him. In the days of his former glory he was appointed a guardian angel. Many believe he was the captain of the angel armies of God. The guardian of the glory of the Lord.
"You were the model of perfection,
full of wisdom and perfect in beauty.
You were in Eden,
the garden of God;
every precious stone adorned you:
ruby, topaz and emerald,
chrysolite, onyx and jasper,
sapphire, turquoise and beryl.
Your settings and mountings were made of gold;
on the day you were created they were prepared.
You were anointed as a guardian cherub,
for so I ordained you.
You were on the holy mount of God;
you walked among the fiery stones." (Ezek. 28:12-14)
Perfect in beauty. That is the key. Lucifer was gorgeous. He was breathtaking. And it was his ruin. Pride entered Lucifer's heart.
"Your heart became proud
on account of your beauty,
and you corrupted your wisdom
because of your splendor." (Ezek. 28:17)
Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty. He destroys it in the natural world wherever he can. He wreaks destruction on the glory of God in the earth like a psychopath committed to destroying great works of art.
But most especially, HE HATES EVE.
Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be. She is the incarnation of the beauty of God.
Blame it on Lucifer. Jealous and conceited Lucifer. He hates you because he FEARS who you are; what you are; what you might become. He fears your beauty and our life-giving heart.
Women, it's time to fight. We are fragile in some ways yes but we can fight! We can fight the battle to feel unpretty and inadequate in our lives. How? Close your eyes and picture the moment when all in heaven was crying. God, in all His power, would not stop what was to happen. His one and only Son is already on the cross, about to die so that He can overcome the world, and everything on it. All the lies, all the bitterness, and all the pain. Look onto Christ. He loves YOU. Yes, YOU. In God's eyes, YOU are the most beautiful.
Ever wondered why most of those who received significant healing from God in the bible are women? Women, who at that time was considered to be worthless. For example, the woman with hemorrhage and the dead girl (Mark 5: 21-43) and the Syrophoenician woman (Mark 7:24). Also, who first came to know that Christ has resurrected? It was the women who went to His tomb. What about Martha and Mary? And the widow who offered all that she has? Why are they included in His story? I'd like to think that it's because WOMEN MATTERS TO HIM. He came to earth to free women from the curse. And to bring healing to their hearts. To restore them.
Let me share with you this other simple truth I read from Captivating:
You really wont understand your life as a woman until you understand this:
You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.
You are passionately hated by the Enemy.
The good news there is, the One who loves you is far greater and far more powerful than the enemy.
Women, it's time to stop listening to all the lies of the enemy. Be free. Be beautiful. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL inside out.
"A woman being pursued by her man is at her most beautiful. But a woman being romanced and loved and amazed by her God is the most beautiful. -Gillian Hero Guerrero-Angeles"
Smile beautiful! :)
I asked this simple question last night to the girls in my small group at church. They all answered Yes, thought some thought about it first while others answered with confidence. Well, that's for the girls in my small group and for other Christian girls I know. But what about you? What about the others who do not know that they are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)? Do they feel beautiful? Do they feel that they are, in their own little way, the most beautiful of all creation? Or do they live in the shadow of some "perfect" model of beauty or some standard that people and society has put? Or worst, they think they can never be beautiful or that they can never measure up a bit to what we call BEAUTY?
To be honest, if one of the girls last night answered me with a NO, I would have been devastated. A NO would have caused me heartache for the sole reason that NO WOMAN DESERVES TO FEEL UNPRETTY. EVERY WOMAN IS BEAUTIFUL.
Most women tend to disregard this aspect of who they are. They tend to hide their beauty within all the workload, baggy clothes, cheaply done hair color that does not even look good, or too much make-up. We hide in different personas just so we can hide our real beauty. Sadly, we even hide in dysfunctional relationships. Why do we hide? What are we afraid of?
Let's go back to our childhood. Back to the time when all we want to do is play Princess and dress up in anything shimmery and shiny just so we can feel that we are indeed little princesses in a big kingdom. We would always ask the people around us, especially mom and dad, this one simple question yet the answers we get would wound our core, would bring a lot of messages to our hearts. What's the question?
"Am i beautiful?"
Lucky you if your parents dotted on you and would tell you that you are the most beautiful princess in the whole universe. But for most women, it wasnt the case. And they grew up believing that they are not. So should our parents be entirely blamed? Partly, they should be. But not entirely. They are just living in a world east of Eden. So who should be entirely blamed? Let us go back to Creation and to the Fall of Man.
(Excerpts from the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge)
The Crown of Creation (p.22)
We will never truly understand women until we understand this. The scene begins in darkness,
Darkness over the deep and God's breath hovering over the waters. (Gen. 1:2 Alter)
The breathless moment in the dark before the first notes of a great symphony or concert, a play or an epic film. All is formless, empty, dark. Then a voice speaks.
"Let there be light." (Gen. 1:3 Alter)
And suddenly, there is light, pure light, magnificent light. Its radiance will enable us to see now what is unfolding. The voice speaks again, and again.
"Let there be a vault in the midst of the waters, and let it divide water from water." (Gen. 1:6 Alter)
"Let the waters under the heavens be gathered in one place so that the dry land will appear."
(Gen.1:9 Alter)
"Let the earth grow grass plants... and trees bearing fruit..." (Gen. 1:11 Alter)
"Let there be lights in the vault of the heavens..." (Gen.1:14 Alter)
"Let the waters swarm with the swarm of living creatures and let the fowl fly over the earth..." (Gen. 1:20 Alter)
From water and stone, to pomegrenatee and rose, to leopard and nightingale, CREATION ASCENDS IN BEAUTY. What was once formless and empty is now overflowing with life and color and sound and movement in a thousand variations. Most importantly, notice that each creature is MORE intricate and noble and mysterious than the last.
Then somethingtruly astonishing takes place.
God sets his own image on the earth. He creates a being like Himself. He creates a son.
The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed life into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. (Gen.2:7)
It is nearing the end of the 6th day, the end of the Creator's great labor, as Adam steps forth, the image of God, the triumph of his work. He alone is pronounced the son of God. Nothing in Creation even comes close. Truly, the masterpiece seems complete. AND YET, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something is missing... and that something is EVE.
And the Lord God cast a deep sleep on the human, and he slept, and He took one of his ribs and closed over the flesh where it had been, and the Lord God built the rib He had taken from the human into a woman and He brought her to the human. (Gen. 2:21-23 Alter)
She is the crescendo, the final, astonishing work of God. WOMAN. In one last flourish Creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch. Eve is... breathtaking.
Given the way creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of Creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch. She fills a place in the world and no one else can fill.
Isn't that amazing? We, women, are the most beautiful among ALL of His creations. But what happened? Why are we feeling like we are not beautiful? Like we will never measure to what society calls beautiful? Let's step back into the Bible thru the book Captivating.
The Fall of Eve (p.46)
Now the serpent was the shrewdest of all the creatures the Lord God had made. "Really?" he asked the woman. "Did God really say you must not eat any of the fruit in the garden?"
"Of course we may eat it," the woman told him. "It's only the fruit from the tree at the center of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God says we must not eat it or even touch it, or we will die."
"You won't die!" the serpent hissed. "God knows that your eyes will be opened when you eat it. You will become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil."
The woman was convinced. The fruit looked so fresh and delicious, and it would make her so wise! So she ate some of the fruit. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her. Then he ate it too. (Gen.3:1-6 NLT)
The woman was convinced. That's it? Just like that? In a matter of moments? Convinced of what? look in your own heart - you'll see. Convinced that God was holding out on her. Convinced that she could not trust His heart toward her.
Thus, we are cursed. Woman is cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control (especially her man) and the feeling that we will never measure up to the word beautiful. So who's to blame? Eve? No! She's just a victim, just like you and me. Blame someone who has a special hatred for women.
Special Hatred (p.82)
For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule the world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. (Eph. 6:12 NLT)
Why does Satan make Eve the focus of his assault on humanity?
You may know that Satan was first named Lucifer, or Son of the Morning. It infers a glory, a brightness or radiance unique to him. In the days of his former glory he was appointed a guardian angel. Many believe he was the captain of the angel armies of God. The guardian of the glory of the Lord.
"You were the model of perfection,
full of wisdom and perfect in beauty.
You were in Eden,
the garden of God;
every precious stone adorned you:
ruby, topaz and emerald,
chrysolite, onyx and jasper,
sapphire, turquoise and beryl.
Your settings and mountings were made of gold;
on the day you were created they were prepared.
You were anointed as a guardian cherub,
for so I ordained you.
You were on the holy mount of God;
you walked among the fiery stones." (Ezek. 28:12-14)
Perfect in beauty. That is the key. Lucifer was gorgeous. He was breathtaking. And it was his ruin. Pride entered Lucifer's heart.
"Your heart became proud
on account of your beauty,
and you corrupted your wisdom
because of your splendor." (Ezek. 28:17)
Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty. He destroys it in the natural world wherever he can. He wreaks destruction on the glory of God in the earth like a psychopath committed to destroying great works of art.
But most especially, HE HATES EVE.
Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be. She is the incarnation of the beauty of God.
Blame it on Lucifer. Jealous and conceited Lucifer. He hates you because he FEARS who you are; what you are; what you might become. He fears your beauty and our life-giving heart.
Women, it's time to fight. We are fragile in some ways yes but we can fight! We can fight the battle to feel unpretty and inadequate in our lives. How? Close your eyes and picture the moment when all in heaven was crying. God, in all His power, would not stop what was to happen. His one and only Son is already on the cross, about to die so that He can overcome the world, and everything on it. All the lies, all the bitterness, and all the pain. Look onto Christ. He loves YOU. Yes, YOU. In God's eyes, YOU are the most beautiful.
Ever wondered why most of those who received significant healing from God in the bible are women? Women, who at that time was considered to be worthless. For example, the woman with hemorrhage and the dead girl (Mark 5: 21-43) and the Syrophoenician woman (Mark 7:24). Also, who first came to know that Christ has resurrected? It was the women who went to His tomb. What about Martha and Mary? And the widow who offered all that she has? Why are they included in His story? I'd like to think that it's because WOMEN MATTERS TO HIM. He came to earth to free women from the curse. And to bring healing to their hearts. To restore them.
Let me share with you this other simple truth I read from Captivating:
You really wont understand your life as a woman until you understand this:
You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.
You are passionately hated by the Enemy.
The good news there is, the One who loves you is far greater and far more powerful than the enemy.
Women, it's time to stop listening to all the lies of the enemy. Be free. Be beautiful. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL inside out.
"A woman being pursued by her man is at her most beautiful. But a woman being romanced and loved and amazed by her God is the most beautiful. -Gillian Hero Guerrero-Angeles"
Smile beautiful! :)
The Proverbs 31 Woman
Proverbs 31:10-31 Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character
10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find?She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Now, tell me, can we find someone who is all this and more?
I was reading the book Captivating these past few days and a certain part of the book spoke to me. "Like we said, you'd have to conclude that a godly woman is...tired. And guilty. We are all living in the shadow of that infamous icon, "The Proverbs 31 Woman" whose life is so busy I wonder, when does she have time for friendships, for taking walks, or reading good books? Her light never goes out at night? When does she have sex? Somehow, she has sanctified the shame most women live under, biblical proof that yet again we don't measure up."
And it all dawned on me. Remember a few blogs ago, I wrote "I'm tired."? Why was I tired? The realization hit me as hard as if stone was thrown at me to wake me up from the slumber I was in. I WAS TRYING TO BE HER. Her, meaning The Proverbs 31 Woman. Ever since God revealed to me that my God's best is a pastor/going to be a pastor, I was just pressured too much to the point that I ran away from His will, then when I couldnt run anymore, I decided to face my future head on and tried to be like her. Well, I'm going to tell you, I always as in ALWAYS fell short of who she is. I even got someone questioning my maturity as a Christian. I even got a comment that I dont fit the part of becoming a Pastor's wife. I dont fit the part. Nice. Did it hurt? Yeah it did! Imagine, hearing from mature Christians that i dont fit the part of becoming a pastor's wife and that my faith maturity is questionable. It hurt my heart and it busted my ego. For someone who never really wanted to be a pastor's wife, I didnt need that. I did not deserve being told that. Because in the first place, I NEVER dreamt or wanted to be a pastor's wife. Other Christian girls dream of becoming a Pastor's wife. But not me. All I ever wanted is to be married to my God's best, the one i've been praying to God for. Until one night last June 2010, I found myself asking God, "who do you want for me?" the answer i got - 1 Timothy 3:1-7 Overseers and Deacons. My reaction? "NOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, please I dont want a pastor! I dont want to be a pastor's wife! *sobbing*"
Then i met Jeremy. When he laid his intentions to me, intentions of pursuing me and marrying me, he told me this - "I know you've been running away from something that God wants for your life so before you say yes to me, I want you to know that I have a calling to be a Pastor." Boom! Heaven was just a few meters away when i plummeted down to earth again, because someone clipped my wings. Would I say no just because he's going to be a pastor and if i marry him, it would make me something i never really wanted, or should i say nearly resented? Torn between my desire to finally be with my God's best and running away from the responsibilities and pressure of being a pastor's wife, I opted to forego my "resentment" for the "position" in His kingdom and chose to say yes.
Since that day, I tried to be all that a pastor's wife should be. Or atleast all that I think a pastor's wife is. They are sweet, helpful, busy with church and church activities, disciplined, composed, meek, gentle, motherly, and all the positive adjectives that should accompany one. But I would always fall short of all of those things. All my actions are either too much or wrong. Once, i blogged my heart out and decided to sort out the rumors circulating about me, Jeremy and his ex, and boy I tell you, there are people who called it "uncalled for". That the actions, the words, dont fit that of a Pastor's wife. That night after learning about those comments, i couldnt help but break down. Mind you, I was on the way home commuting with Jeremy when I couldnt stop the tears from coming. Was it too much to say what's been boiling inside me for 3 months already? I kept asking that to myself. That night, when I couldnt hold it anymore, I ranted to God. I told Him, "I never wanted to be a pastor's wife! It's what You want for me! Now why am i being persecuted like this? Just because I dont fit the part? And they ex fits the part of being a Pastor's wife???? I never asked this from You. Why????" Don't get me wrong. I wasnt mad at God. I was just so hurt I couldnt hold the pain any longer. I couldnt remember the word He gave me that night. All I can remember was, when I couldnt breathe anymore because of crying, something warm enveloped my body and i felt something like a cold touch on my cheek. I was being held by God. with all of my rants, my pain, and my tears, God went down from His throne to comfort me - the "immature" Christian who's being questioned by mature ones.
Last night, I asked Him after reading that part (see first paragraph) from Captivating, "Do I really have to be like her in order for me to be Jeremy's wife? Do i really have to be all that? Do i really have to pressure myself to be "the pastor's wife"?" I got my answer as I was "leading" my Victory group. I found myself blurting out something that wasnt on my notes, nor was what I spoke of something that I have grasped before I started sharing. I said, "We dont have to be The Proverbs 31 woman in order to be loved by God. You just have to be a better You. A better Gillian. If all you'll do is to meet that standard that the church and the bible has set in Proverbs 31, we all would fall short of her. All that God ask is a better us."
A better ME. Not The Proverbs 31 woman, but a better Gillian who's fruits of the Holy Spirit are still intact, her personality and character maturing each day, her faith and love overflowing. Because even though I will fall short of the Proverbs 31 Woman, I know my God up there loves me unconditionally flaws and all, and my man down here loves and accepts me for who i am, who i will be and who i wont be.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
who says God does not answer?
ever wonder if God hears your prayers? ever said to yourself, "nah, He wont listen." let me tell you this. HE DOES. He answers every prayer, every little request that we utter, and every petition that we shove His way. how do I know? well, this girl who's writing this blog made have been blessed with a lot of answered prayers. :D
January 2010, i was earnestly praying for God to give me my God's best already. for those who do not know what God's best means, that means God's perfect choice for me as a partner, the one He has created to be mine to be my husband, my soulmate and my true love. All year round I would add little details to the list of what I want in a husband. Little details in prayers such as "God, I dont want to commute alone anymore. Can you please give me the one person I will enjoy taking the bus with on the way home." or "God, can you please make my God's best love watching movies so that I can enjoy movie dates with him?" December 2010, before the year ended, God has given me my God's best and he is everything that I asked from God. As in EVERYTHING.
Jeremy, my God's best, would always tell me that I'm so favored by God because He showers me with so much blessing and favors. When I was putting up my bar last January, I had limited budget and it looked like the bar wouldnt open on the target date, more so, would it open at all. The chances were so slim because of the budget but when I asked God to send me some help, oh boy! the help came in multitudes! The bar floor was painted by yours truly with the help of my God's best after work hours. mind you, even though we were both tired from work, we still had the strength to paint the floors and the tables. The sound system needed to be fixed and one service supplier priced the job at 5 thousand pesos plus all the system add-ons like new microphones, new speakers, and new cables. Not wanting to spend so much on this but wanting to have the best sound possible, we looked for someone who can do it for a much cheaper cost. And yes, God showed us someone who will do it for only a "love gift". A love gift is something that we can give to the person, monetary or not, that wouldnt cost much. He did all the work without complain even though he knows that we wont be paying him for his labor. As for the lights, it was my college buddy Googie who did the job. And yes, he wasnt paid as well. For the opening night, the band we got to play is a group of musicians who are our friends and yes, they brought their own 12-channel mixer just in case we need it. Talk about favors from God right?
Valentines day this year, I was already losing hope that I would be able to watch the Valentines day concert of my favorite worship leaders from Church because my baby and I were having difficulties with our finances and payday is still a day away. Guess what, when he arrived at the bar, he said, "Tara! We're going to be late sa concert nila Kuya Jam." I was shocked and speechless because I know he couldnt have bought the ticket because of financial constraints. But there he was, pulling me up from my seat and making me hurry because we are going to miss the concert I've been wanting to watch. When I asked him where he got the money, he told me, "Lakas mo sa Tatay mo sa taas eh. While I was on the way home from work, I was telling Him, "God, daughter mo naman yun diba? sige na please give me provisions so she can watch the concert. Nabibreak yung heart ko na hindi ko mabigay sa kanya yung gusto niya eh. Please." Lo and behold, God used his mom to bless him with "date money".
All year round, whenever I would lack money or provisions, He would always send me blessings so that I wouldnt lack a good thing. When I was losing faith that I will be able to finish my Training for Victory course because I have not yet paid the fee, God sent me the payment for that plus payment for the food for the graduation day plus extra money to spend until the graduation day.
But the greatest prayer He will answer is yet to come. What's that? Rather, which are these? because I have two major prayer requests from God that I know in His perfect time, they will be answered. One is for the floodgates of heaven to open so that finally, Jeremy and I can get married. And another is for a relationship that affects my life to be restored.
Why am I so faithful that He answers? Here's why.
Matthew 7:7-8 says,
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."
Ask and it will be given. His words never change. His promises never fail. You may tell me, "But Yani, I'm not walking in God's will. Nor I am as "religious" as you. I'm sure He wouldnt answer me." That's not true. You are as valuable to Him as I am. And he delights in blessing you with the desires of Your heart. You just have to keep faith that the blessings you receive from heaven is not dependent on your circumstances but it is dependent on God, a God who never change.
Is there any prayer request you have but you dont know how to start asking Him for it? Just talk to Him like you would talk to someone you love. :D let me know if there's something we can pray for you.
January 2010, i was earnestly praying for God to give me my God's best already. for those who do not know what God's best means, that means God's perfect choice for me as a partner, the one He has created to be mine to be my husband, my soulmate and my true love. All year round I would add little details to the list of what I want in a husband. Little details in prayers such as "God, I dont want to commute alone anymore. Can you please give me the one person I will enjoy taking the bus with on the way home." or "God, can you please make my God's best love watching movies so that I can enjoy movie dates with him?" December 2010, before the year ended, God has given me my God's best and he is everything that I asked from God. As in EVERYTHING.
Jeremy, my God's best, would always tell me that I'm so favored by God because He showers me with so much blessing and favors. When I was putting up my bar last January, I had limited budget and it looked like the bar wouldnt open on the target date, more so, would it open at all. The chances were so slim because of the budget but when I asked God to send me some help, oh boy! the help came in multitudes! The bar floor was painted by yours truly with the help of my God's best after work hours. mind you, even though we were both tired from work, we still had the strength to paint the floors and the tables. The sound system needed to be fixed and one service supplier priced the job at 5 thousand pesos plus all the system add-ons like new microphones, new speakers, and new cables. Not wanting to spend so much on this but wanting to have the best sound possible, we looked for someone who can do it for a much cheaper cost. And yes, God showed us someone who will do it for only a "love gift". A love gift is something that we can give to the person, monetary or not, that wouldnt cost much. He did all the work without complain even though he knows that we wont be paying him for his labor. As for the lights, it was my college buddy Googie who did the job. And yes, he wasnt paid as well. For the opening night, the band we got to play is a group of musicians who are our friends and yes, they brought their own 12-channel mixer just in case we need it. Talk about favors from God right?
Valentines day this year, I was already losing hope that I would be able to watch the Valentines day concert of my favorite worship leaders from Church because my baby and I were having difficulties with our finances and payday is still a day away. Guess what, when he arrived at the bar, he said, "Tara! We're going to be late sa concert nila Kuya Jam." I was shocked and speechless because I know he couldnt have bought the ticket because of financial constraints. But there he was, pulling me up from my seat and making me hurry because we are going to miss the concert I've been wanting to watch. When I asked him where he got the money, he told me, "Lakas mo sa Tatay mo sa taas eh. While I was on the way home from work, I was telling Him, "God, daughter mo naman yun diba? sige na please give me provisions so she can watch the concert. Nabibreak yung heart ko na hindi ko mabigay sa kanya yung gusto niya eh. Please." Lo and behold, God used his mom to bless him with "date money".
All year round, whenever I would lack money or provisions, He would always send me blessings so that I wouldnt lack a good thing. When I was losing faith that I will be able to finish my Training for Victory course because I have not yet paid the fee, God sent me the payment for that plus payment for the food for the graduation day plus extra money to spend until the graduation day.
But the greatest prayer He will answer is yet to come. What's that? Rather, which are these? because I have two major prayer requests from God that I know in His perfect time, they will be answered. One is for the floodgates of heaven to open so that finally, Jeremy and I can get married. And another is for a relationship that affects my life to be restored.
Why am I so faithful that He answers? Here's why.
Matthew 7:7-8 says,
7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."
Ask and it will be given. His words never change. His promises never fail. You may tell me, "But Yani, I'm not walking in God's will. Nor I am as "religious" as you. I'm sure He wouldnt answer me." That's not true. You are as valuable to Him as I am. And he delights in blessing you with the desires of Your heart. You just have to keep faith that the blessings you receive from heaven is not dependent on your circumstances but it is dependent on God, a God who never change.
Is there any prayer request you have but you dont know how to start asking Him for it? Just talk to Him like you would talk to someone you love. :D let me know if there's something we can pray for you.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
10 tell-tale signs that he's not in love with you
(not for the faint and sensitive hearted.)
you love him? i dont doubt that you do. does he love you? hmmmm... YES? are you sure? here are some signs that he doesnt.
1. He did not PURSUE you the right way.
Men are designed to pursue and girls, well, you are to be pursued. Thats how it was, and that's how it will be. How does a guy pursue a girl?
*He first pursues the Creator. He should ask you from God.
*Second, he should make it a point to pick you up from your house and to bring you home when you are going out. Never ever let him tell you, "I'll just drop you off at the bus station." or "Let's just wait for the jeep to your place here and then I'll go home."
*Third, he should initiate talking to your parents about his intentions towards you. Girls, if you are the one initiating this, trust me, the guy does not really want to meet your parents.
2. You have to pressure him about the "US" thing.
Have you ever asked a guy, "So, when will it be official for the two of us?" Hello! Girls, in the first place, if the guy pursued you, you wouldnt have to pressure him about the "US" thing. He is already committed to you the moment he asked you if he can pursue you. Well, that is if he pursued you. If he didnt, well you really have to pressure him and most often than not, he will be pressured to commit but his heart is really not into it.
3. When in public, he tends to walk ahead of you especially when he sees someone he knows.
Is it still hard to decipher? The guy will be proud to tell the world YOU are HIS GIRL if he truly loves you! And he wouldnt want to be an inch apart from you. So if you notice that he keeps his distance from you especially when there are people around, think twice about his true feelings for you.
4. Check the albums he upload on Facebook. If the album is composed of your photos alone, check the settings if it's viewable by you alone. Most often than not, he did not really want to upload this. You wanted him to. Im not saying you snoop around his profile. Just check if your friends see the album or not. This would go back to the reason that he is not proud of you.
5. He does not want a photo of the 2 of you as his profile photo. Need i say more?
6. You've been together for a year or two yet he has not really made an effort for you to meet his parents. Hello! A man should be in a relationship with you because he sees himself getting married to you. Thats the main aim of relationships. Not just for companionship. So if he does not make an effort for you to meet his parents, that may only mean, he does not see you as the daughter-in-law of his parents.
7. When you fight, you apologize all the time! I repeat, ALL the TIME.
Too much ego and pride on his side that he does not want to admit his mistakes? Girls, a true man will never be afraid to admit his mistakes. And a man who truly loves you will swallow his pride just to fix the relationship with you.
8. He hates it when you become friends with his friends.
Well, who knows your man better than you do? his buddies. So when he gets freakin pissed off that you added his friends on facebook and you chat with them, trust me there are things he does not want to tell you that this friends know. IF a guy truly loves you, he wouldnt have a problem leaving you in the company of his friends. Because if he truly loves you, he should trust you enough to tell you everything. As in EVERYTHING.
9. You walk into a wedding supplier store and in as fast as 10 seconds he's out the door.
You want to get married? You want him to propose? Check if he wants the same. Bring him to a wedding supplier store. If he is uneasy, wants to leave quickly, dashed out as fast as he can before you can even utter 'Honey what do you think?" or wont even go inside, you might be living in the fantasy that he wants to marry you! The guy is either afraid to commit, or afraid to commit to you.
10. You have to plead with him to do things for you.
Why plead? A guy who truly loves you would happily do things for you. He would love serving you, doing things for you and making you smile because he did them. You wont have to plead. You shouldnt. Because if he truly loves you, he will do everything for you. Even if that would mean he would have to cross the oceans to get you the nicest pearls, or climb the mountains and catch you a hummingbird, he will do those things.
you love him? i dont doubt that you do. does he love you? hmmmm... YES? are you sure? here are some signs that he doesnt.
1. He did not PURSUE you the right way.
Men are designed to pursue and girls, well, you are to be pursued. Thats how it was, and that's how it will be. How does a guy pursue a girl?
*He first pursues the Creator. He should ask you from God.
*Second, he should make it a point to pick you up from your house and to bring you home when you are going out. Never ever let him tell you, "I'll just drop you off at the bus station." or "Let's just wait for the jeep to your place here and then I'll go home."
*Third, he should initiate talking to your parents about his intentions towards you. Girls, if you are the one initiating this, trust me, the guy does not really want to meet your parents.
2. You have to pressure him about the "US" thing.
Have you ever asked a guy, "So, when will it be official for the two of us?" Hello! Girls, in the first place, if the guy pursued you, you wouldnt have to pressure him about the "US" thing. He is already committed to you the moment he asked you if he can pursue you. Well, that is if he pursued you. If he didnt, well you really have to pressure him and most often than not, he will be pressured to commit but his heart is really not into it.
3. When in public, he tends to walk ahead of you especially when he sees someone he knows.
Is it still hard to decipher? The guy will be proud to tell the world YOU are HIS GIRL if he truly loves you! And he wouldnt want to be an inch apart from you. So if you notice that he keeps his distance from you especially when there are people around, think twice about his true feelings for you.
4. Check the albums he upload on Facebook. If the album is composed of your photos alone, check the settings if it's viewable by you alone. Most often than not, he did not really want to upload this. You wanted him to. Im not saying you snoop around his profile. Just check if your friends see the album or not. This would go back to the reason that he is not proud of you.
5. He does not want a photo of the 2 of you as his profile photo. Need i say more?
6. You've been together for a year or two yet he has not really made an effort for you to meet his parents. Hello! A man should be in a relationship with you because he sees himself getting married to you. Thats the main aim of relationships. Not just for companionship. So if he does not make an effort for you to meet his parents, that may only mean, he does not see you as the daughter-in-law of his parents.
7. When you fight, you apologize all the time! I repeat, ALL the TIME.
Too much ego and pride on his side that he does not want to admit his mistakes? Girls, a true man will never be afraid to admit his mistakes. And a man who truly loves you will swallow his pride just to fix the relationship with you.
8. He hates it when you become friends with his friends.
Well, who knows your man better than you do? his buddies. So when he gets freakin pissed off that you added his friends on facebook and you chat with them, trust me there are things he does not want to tell you that this friends know. IF a guy truly loves you, he wouldnt have a problem leaving you in the company of his friends. Because if he truly loves you, he should trust you enough to tell you everything. As in EVERYTHING.
9. You walk into a wedding supplier store and in as fast as 10 seconds he's out the door.
You want to get married? You want him to propose? Check if he wants the same. Bring him to a wedding supplier store. If he is uneasy, wants to leave quickly, dashed out as fast as he can before you can even utter 'Honey what do you think?" or wont even go inside, you might be living in the fantasy that he wants to marry you! The guy is either afraid to commit, or afraid to commit to you.
10. You have to plead with him to do things for you.
Why plead? A guy who truly loves you would happily do things for you. He would love serving you, doing things for you and making you smile because he did them. You wont have to plead. You shouldnt. Because if he truly loves you, he will do everything for you. Even if that would mean he would have to cross the oceans to get you the nicest pearls, or climb the mountains and catch you a hummingbird, he will do those things.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The Men Who Left a Mark: My God's Best, Jeremy Sauza Cruz
okay, this i hope would not sound like the mutual admiration society. :D
when I started a series of blogs entitled The Men Who Left a Mark, it did not really cross my mind that i would include him on the list thinking that you might be getting tired of me always blogging about him and us. but just recently, this week until today, sudden realizations hit me about me and him. what happened? well, i just stopped being so touchy. not towards him i mean. towards other guys, my guy friends for that matter. i suddenly stopped. and it's not because he told me to. it's because he stopped asking me to stop being touchy. for months now, it wasnt until only at that moment that i really realized that me changing that aspect of me should not be because he is pressuring me to do so, but because i dont want to cause him any heartache.
why did he left a mark in my life? aside from the fact that he loves me so much? here are the reasons why.
*He challenged me to be a better Christian.
When I got the chance to talk to him back then, I noticed how he speaks about God and being a Christian. Those times i would get to talk to him and hear his views about things, I told myself, "God, why is he like that? it seems like he knows so much about you that i dont." That got me reading my Bible more, and it got me spending more time with God.
*He was the reason I took photography seriously.
When we had a photoshoot in Intramuros, I noticed how passionate he is about his craft. Back then, i wasnt taking photography seriously. I just love the feeling of being able to take photos of events, to capture the beauty of things even in the most mundane settings and being able to capture the expressions of people. It seemed like just a hobby. But after that day, i desired to be a better photographer. months after, i decided to really pursue photography and be an apprentice under one of the best photographers in the country so that when people ask him what i do for a living, he would tell them, "well, my girlfriend/wife is a photographer. and a good one at that!"
*He prayed for me in one of the tests that I had put upon myself.
I was dating a nonbeliever at that time and I know that God is telling the both of us to cut it off. Not knowing who to talk to aside from my VG leader, and wanting a guy's perspective of it, I sent him an SMS. I asked for his advice. That's it. but the next day, he sent me an SMS telling me he prayed for me, about me and the situation. i did not ask for it but he did.
*He did not make me wait and look towards the door for a sign if he is coming or not.
You see, I crave for support. Whenever I had contests in school back then, from quiz bees to pageants to debates to dance concerts, I would always want my guy to be there to support me. The guy need not show up with flowers, banners or shout his heart out. All i needed was the mere presence. But sadly, back then, none would show up. None of my boyfriends back then would. I found myself not being able to focus on the contest and would occasionally glance at the door (understatement! i would, minute by minute or second by second), hoping that they would come. But Jeremy did. Fresh from his work shift the previous night, he went to my Training for Victory Recognition day despite lacking sleep. Here is what he texted me that morning when I told him it's okay if he cant make it since he needs to sleep. "Babe, you will not keep looking at the door, wondering if i will arrive coz I will. I will support you there and be there as much as I can on every endeavor of your life." This text almost made me cry. had i not been on the bus, i would have cried. Never once did i see any guy enter the door when i was expecting them to. And there he was, sleepless yet looking handsome in a black long sleeve polo and black slacks, waiting for me outside the main hall of Victory.
baby, you may not know the impact you make in other people's lives because some of them dont get the chance to tell you but i'll tell you this, if you made an impact in my life back then when i wasnt your girl yet, when i did not know that YOU are my God's Best yet, then im sure you have made an impact on the lives of those you spent more time with. i love you so much, i hope you know that. much more than life itself. because you loved me for the real me, despite and inspite of. you believed in my dreams even if they mean i would have to be spending less time with you. you supported me in every way. thank you for everything baby. :D i love you so much! oops i said that again.
"I'd go anywhere for you
Anywhere you asked me to
I'd do anything for you
Anything you want me to
Your love as far as I can see
Is all I'm ever gonna need
There's one thing for sure
I know it's true
Baby, I'd go anywhere for you"
when I started a series of blogs entitled The Men Who Left a Mark, it did not really cross my mind that i would include him on the list thinking that you might be getting tired of me always blogging about him and us. but just recently, this week until today, sudden realizations hit me about me and him. what happened? well, i just stopped being so touchy. not towards him i mean. towards other guys, my guy friends for that matter. i suddenly stopped. and it's not because he told me to. it's because he stopped asking me to stop being touchy. for months now, it wasnt until only at that moment that i really realized that me changing that aspect of me should not be because he is pressuring me to do so, but because i dont want to cause him any heartache.
why did he left a mark in my life? aside from the fact that he loves me so much? here are the reasons why.
*He challenged me to be a better Christian.
When I got the chance to talk to him back then, I noticed how he speaks about God and being a Christian. Those times i would get to talk to him and hear his views about things, I told myself, "God, why is he like that? it seems like he knows so much about you that i dont." That got me reading my Bible more, and it got me spending more time with God.
*He was the reason I took photography seriously.
When we had a photoshoot in Intramuros, I noticed how passionate he is about his craft. Back then, i wasnt taking photography seriously. I just love the feeling of being able to take photos of events, to capture the beauty of things even in the most mundane settings and being able to capture the expressions of people. It seemed like just a hobby. But after that day, i desired to be a better photographer. months after, i decided to really pursue photography and be an apprentice under one of the best photographers in the country so that when people ask him what i do for a living, he would tell them, "well, my girlfriend/wife is a photographer. and a good one at that!"
*He prayed for me in one of the tests that I had put upon myself.
I was dating a nonbeliever at that time and I know that God is telling the both of us to cut it off. Not knowing who to talk to aside from my VG leader, and wanting a guy's perspective of it, I sent him an SMS. I asked for his advice. That's it. but the next day, he sent me an SMS telling me he prayed for me, about me and the situation. i did not ask for it but he did.
*He did not make me wait and look towards the door for a sign if he is coming or not.
You see, I crave for support. Whenever I had contests in school back then, from quiz bees to pageants to debates to dance concerts, I would always want my guy to be there to support me. The guy need not show up with flowers, banners or shout his heart out. All i needed was the mere presence. But sadly, back then, none would show up. None of my boyfriends back then would. I found myself not being able to focus on the contest and would occasionally glance at the door (understatement! i would, minute by minute or second by second), hoping that they would come. But Jeremy did. Fresh from his work shift the previous night, he went to my Training for Victory Recognition day despite lacking sleep. Here is what he texted me that morning when I told him it's okay if he cant make it since he needs to sleep. "Babe, you will not keep looking at the door, wondering if i will arrive coz I will. I will support you there and be there as much as I can on every endeavor of your life." This text almost made me cry. had i not been on the bus, i would have cried. Never once did i see any guy enter the door when i was expecting them to. And there he was, sleepless yet looking handsome in a black long sleeve polo and black slacks, waiting for me outside the main hall of Victory.
baby, you may not know the impact you make in other people's lives because some of them dont get the chance to tell you but i'll tell you this, if you made an impact in my life back then when i wasnt your girl yet, when i did not know that YOU are my God's Best yet, then im sure you have made an impact on the lives of those you spent more time with. i love you so much, i hope you know that. much more than life itself. because you loved me for the real me, despite and inspite of. you believed in my dreams even if they mean i would have to be spending less time with you. you supported me in every way. thank you for everything baby. :D i love you so much! oops i said that again.
"I'd go anywhere for you
Anywhere you asked me to
I'd do anything for you
Anything you want me to
Your love as far as I can see
Is all I'm ever gonna need
There's one thing for sure
I know it's true
Baby, I'd go anywhere for you"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)