Life and Movies

Life isn't like the movies. Life, and love, is harder in real life than they are in movies. In cinema, the guy always gets the girl and they set off into the sun, holding hands without a care of the world around them. They are happy, and no antagonist or cruel witch can ever destroy that happiness. Everything is possible in cinema. A poor lumberyard laborer gets the rich, affluent girl of his dreams even though years after their summer love, she’s already set to marry a lawyer from an old Southern rich family. Two bookstore owners hate each other in person but falls in love over the Internet. A young lady spending the summer in a holiday camp with her family falls in love with the dance instructor and they had the time of their lives.

            I’ve always been in love with cinema. Ever since a little girl, I’d look forward to movie dates with my parents. Every Christmas day, we would watch film fest entries. I’ve daydreamed of writing and directing my own movie based on some real people I met in my life. My life, or some parts of it, even unfolded like a movie scene right in front of my eyes. Some in color, some in black and white. Some ended abruptly, like a bad movie you would want to be refunded for, while some lasted more than the usual 1 hour and a half run time of a movie. A few chapters even ran longer than the longest Lav Diaz film.

            Having an eidetic memory does not seem to help at all. Every pain, every bit of sadness I’ve ever experienced can sometimes be like a movie projected reel by reel, frame by frame. Sometimes there would be a voice in my head that would shout “Cut!” while often times, the projectionist inside my head seems to fallen asleep while he projects that pain I have been through, making me relieve every bit of pain involved in those memories. It’s harder on those days that used to have a significant meaning for me. Like the day of a first date with a guy I really fell for. Or the day I fell in love with someone. Or, the day my boyfriend married somebody else. Most of those dates seem part of the whole movie entitled Gillian’s Past.

            In cinema, the guy would always arrive just in the nick of time. The words “too late” do not seem to be welcome in any romantic movie you will ever watch. The girl would try to leave, the guy would run to where she is, arrive in the nick of time to tell her he loves her and asks her to stay. In life, “too late” seems to be the norm. We’re too busy taking for granted the people who love us so much that when the time comes that they are gone, we realize how much they matter. Or how much we love them too. I should know. I’ve been “too late” more than once. Too late to realize I’m in love with a guy, too late to realize I’m taking someone for granted, too late to tell someone how I really felt.  And unlike a movie where you can always press rewind if you missed a scene, in life there is no rewind button to push when you’ve missed an opportunity to tell someone that you love them.

            Life isn’t like the movies. Life’s harder. Love is sometimes bitter. But unlike the movies, life continues on after 1 hour and a half. Life is much more dramatic, but much more colorful. And love, well, love is much more complicated in real life but much sweeter when you finally realized you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who loves you just the same.

random thoughts at 3 in the morning...

When I took this job last September, I stopped writing. And I miss that. When I was jobless, I had all the time in the world to sit down in front of the laptop, and conjure words from nowhere. My creative juices weren’t failing me. But the moment I sat down on that desk job, seems like the words just won’t come to me anymore. It’s not just the fact that I travel miles to go to work and to go back home that I did not have time to sit down in front of the computer and write. I tried. I even tried saving some words on my mobile phone while I’m on the road to work or home. But it just wasn’t there. The words seem to have left me and the inspiration to write seems to have left my soul. Ever since I was a kid, if there’s one thing I’m sure of, is that I want to be a published writer. Not the kind you see in movies who writes in coffee shops, looking at people and observing them while sipping a hot cup of Americano, and living a happy uncomplicated life. That’s not what I envisioned myself as a writer. I envisioned myself locking myself up in my room, all day typing the words and re-typing them, deleting words that don’t fit in, writing until it hurts and no longer a delight, and editing until my eyes hurt from looking at some of the errors I have made, emerging only when I have finished a brainchild.

But that never happened. Yes, I’ve had my fair share of writing for school publications from grade school to college, writing for company websites and blogging on my own website, I have never really finished a book. And that is what I have always wanted to do. Finish a book. Any kind of book. A novel, a semi-autobiographical piece, a fictional piece that revolves around a certain person I know. Any kind. But I want to be able to publish a book. I’ve tried. I’ve started writing a manuscript. And it revolves around a huge chunk of my life. Someone once said that the richest resource a writer has is his own life. With the numerous heartaches I’ve got throughout the years I’ve had relationships with the opposite sex, I thought I had all the resources I need. But it wasn’t easy writing about men who might be hurt by the things I have to say about them even if I hide their identity under fictional characters. I envy an ex-suitor of mine who has already published two books, and one of them has pieces about me. I wasn’t mad. I did not become mad. Because I know that there won’t be a soul who will know that he was writing about me, unless they know of our story.

Now, I have no excuse for not continuing the manuscript I have started because I have already resigned from that job. And while my husband is at my side, sound asleep and snoring, I found myself opening a word document to type my thoughts away. Mind you, I have just finished an episode of Pretty Little Liars, a show I am a bit addicted to, but at four in the morning, my mind is still wandering. Wondering if I still have the capabilities to finish what I started. Here I am, a newlywed 25-year old lady, munching on some snacks to keep me from getting hungry while contemplating if I should continue the story I have started to write, or write another one.  Ever since that rejection from a major magazine company, I have lost confidence in my ability to write. Though my two biggest fans, my mom and my husband, say I am good at writing and they know I will get published someday, I’m seriously starting to doubt that. It doesn’t help my confidence at all to be rejected four times in the past 3 years by the same major magazine for all the positions I applied for. I’m not hoping to be a Laida Magtalas who got a job as an editorial assistant and bagged the heart of his boss as the major grand prize (and plot of the movie). I’m just hoping to be able to write and be published by starting from the lowest position in any publication group. But Lady Luck was not on my side. At least not yet, I hope.

A few commendations on a short piece I posted on my Facebook wall about Tim Duncan brought in some much needed push to bring out my writing pen again and start letting the words flow in. The Spurs Nation fan page even commended it as a well written post.

 “Spurs Nation You hit the nail on the head with this Gillian, excellently written – JT”

So, should I try to finish this manuscript I have been putting on hold for quite some time now? The thought of it being finished makes me nervous. What if, it gets finished but gets rejected by publishers? What if, no publishing house in the country would accept it? What if, some really good writers I admire tell me it is full of rubbish? What if.

Every time I try to finish it, I get scared. Blame my lack of confidence on my writing skills on someone who once told me I’m not good in writing. And maybe I never really got over that blow. It is always at the back of my head every time I try to add more pages to the work I have started. Then whenever I get scared, I remind myself of this scene from one of my favorite TV shows from the US, Criminal Minds. It was from their Pilot episode entitled Extreme Aggressor. On that particular scene, one of the members of the BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit) needs to crack a password for the UnSub’s laptop. UnSub is their term for Unknown Subject, a suspect or unknown criminal that they are looking for. If they don’t get to crack the password, they might never find the missing girl. The BAU member, Derek Morgan, only has a few tries left. Their unit chief, Jason Gideon, tries to motivate him.

“Jason Gideon: Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

Dr. Spencer Reid: Samuel Beckett.

Derek Morgan: Try not. Do or do not.

Dr. Spencer Reid: Yoda.”

Fail again. Fail better. Some of us have tried and failed. Some have tried again and have failed again. But have we failed better? Have I failed better?

---

P.S. As of writing this, my manuscript still remains untouched. But tomorrow, or should I say later because it’s now 3:53 AM, as soon as I wake up I will continue writing my manuscript. Everyone who believes in my work and have said praises about it have given me the much needed boost to continue. Thank you. J

The Battle

The earth is one big battle field made up of different big or miniscule battlefields in different places around the world. The school is one big battle arena wherein only those strong enough to survive the bullies emerge. One's workplace is another battlefield one must conquer to be able to survive. Even love is a battlefield. And everyone is a warrior, wearing different sets of armour and sporting different set of weapons every now and then.

    My world has always been a battlefield. From the moment I started schooling until I graduated from college up to the time I started every single job I had since I ventured into the professional world. Even love really was a battlefield. I fought, I slew, I got scathed, I was slain, I surrendered. But love and its constant battles can really get into one's skin and leave a tattoo. A scar that is so permament one can no longer have it removed even if one would go through hell and back just to seek a way to remove it.

    I've been through hell and back. In order to save myself from all the pain, I ventured into the dark realms of hell and would always emerged scathed yet stronger than before I went there. Since the concept of romantic relationships were introduced into my system, 21 men have come and gone with different motives and reasons for leaving. Some left and made a cut nastier than the others. Others simply left, without any explanation, without any word thus leaving a wound that was never fully healed. Others simply gave up fighting the love battlefield with me. Different men, different relationships but nonetheless, all of them leaving a permanent scar, a wound that pushed me each time to go to hell and back.

    When someone shouted to me, "You don't know what I've been through just to get over him!", I wanted to slap that girl, knowing that the relationship she was talking about was just her first heartbreak. I wanted to shout back at her and tell her, "You don't know the hell I've been through to fix myself all these years!" just to show her how my heart has been hurt more than the pain she had experienced. Hell wasn't even sufficient enough to be used in the situations I've been through just to get over all of them. Making pacts with the devil just to regain my strength after every heartbreak wasn't exactly a walk in the park nor was it a bed of roses. And pacts I made just to temporarily fix myself until the next jerk comes breaking me again. One heartbreak over a guy she was in a relationship with for a few years can never really sum up greater than my 21 heartbreaks and heartaches combined. Oh, the nerve to tell me hers was greater! Throwing one's self over to a guy who barely even cared, more so love her wasn't anyone's fault but hers. Same as some of my heartbreaks. But one thing I learned from everything, those heartbreaks and heartaches caused by someone who loved you was greater than the pain caused by those who did not. In letting go of those jerks who did not really love you at all, you free yourself of a stupidity you committed, while in letting go of those guys who loved you as much as you loved them, you are freeing yourself of a once in a lifetime love you feel for that person, and of the person you once were when you were with them. In my case, it was letting go of the ones that really loved me that broke my soul more than any other pain caused to my heart.

    Sinag. A ray of sun. I once called someone by that term of endearment. He was like a ray of sun filling up my life in a time when I was already bored of gray-clad hallways and dusty rooms filled with chairs with almost broken armrests. Having been in a number of relationships before Sinag, I thought I knew everything about love. But he proved me wrong, and our love story painted a whole new picture in my head I never knew I could paint. Most of the college professors back then tell me that they were fans of our love story. A guy and a girl from two totally different religions, trying to make the differences work for our advantage. It was such a good relationship wherein we give, and we take. Of all the guys I've been with, he was the only one I submitted to without him asking me to. He would not do the things I dislike, and I would do the same to him. One professor even commented, "You were at your best when you were with each other." Indeed, I was at my best. My grades were on the top of the class, with no failures and only one grade below 85. He was, for the first time since he enrolled in school, attending classes regularly and without a miss. But people say, good things must come to an end. And a relationship like ours ended sooner than I expected. One day, he had gone to school a little late than his usual time and went to search for me. By the look on his face the moment I saw him, I new darker times were ahead. Could his parents have known about us? Could my mom have found out about us and threatened him? Those are some of the questions that plagued my head at those few seconds he was walking towards me. The news he gave me was totally unexpected. Here is the man I have loved and given my life and soul to, telling me that he will be married soon. Married to a girl he doesn't love. Married to a girl from the same religion as him, from the same social strata as their family. Married to another girl. Married to someone not me. At that moment, I felt my whole world start to crumble right in front of my very own eyes. There in front of me, is my whole world being snatched away by religion and traditions I can never fight with. My armour started to rust, and my sword felt like lead in my hands. The mighty warrior princess, his princess, was starting to die on the inside of her armour. That day, the heavens were pouring out their tears. It was raining beyond cats and dogs, a sign I took as the heavens crying over one real love ending because of religion and tradition. Days passed and I wallowed in self-pity and depression. Gone is the warrior in me. I would still see him in school and he would still spend most of his time with me. But the relationship has already been scathed. Spending time with me until his wedding day was his way of dealing with the inevitable, while I spend time cooking my heart out in my culinary classes. I was broken, hurt, and in pain and he chose to be nonchalant about it. Or that's what it looked like for me. Until one day, he decided to wear his armour  again and pick up his sword. He decided that he is fighting. Fighting for me. But that fight was short-lived. He had to give it up for my safety. I fought back, telling the world I don't care if I die but I will fight for his love. The love I know will never leave his heart until his dying day. I fought back until I can no longer fight back. I fought back until I can no longer protect and defend myself from the inevitable destruction that was looming over. The day I gave up was the day he tied the knot. I fought hard until the last second, until the minute he was entering the wedding venue. I fought, I fought until I can no longer fight. He got married and got himself two kids. And now, years after that last battle we fought together, thinking of him can only bring a smile, none of the pain and hurt I used to feel back then. None of the heartache that pushed me to make a pact with the devil just so I can have my old self back.

    Antukin. That was a title of a song that took the airwaves like a storm a few years back. That is also what I called a man who came into my life and took it by storm. I fell in love so fast and I fell hard. He was the epitome of perfect. Everything about him looks perfect in my perspective. But just as swiftly he came, swiftly he left. I don't know if he ever got to know how much I love him and how much I hurt when he left but I guess he will never know. This was one battle I never won, and one battle I can never win. His heart is one trophy that could never be mine, nor will it ever be mine. It has already been claimed, I think. Claimed long before I came into his life, claimed before I even rallied to claim it. "tadhana'y merong trip na makapangyarihan, kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto palaging merong paraan... pinaiyak ka ng manghuhula, hindi na raw tayo magkasamang tatanda. buti na lang merong langit na nagtatangol sa pag-ibig na pursigido't matiyaga." as the song puts it. It wasn't the fortune teller who made me cry. It was the person who sang me this song before he boarded his flight to Doha one sunny June day. The lyrics was right. We won't be growing old together. Not because I did not want to, but because he already knew from the start that his home is not with my heart. Doning my armour, I fought back. I wanted to end up with him. But I found myself one day retreating. I found myself under an office desk, crying my eyes out. And more of those crying bouts followed as I saw how happy he is with a life without me on it. But I wouldn't shed my armour. Crying, I went back to the field and shouted to everyone who would listen, "I want him back!" After 2 months of crying and shouting my heart out, he came back. He came back only to leave again. That kind of battle went on for a few months until, a few days before my 21st birthday, he left and never returned. Of all my dances with the devil, the one that happened after he left was the hardest. Not because the moves where complicated, but because my heart wasn't into it. I was forcing myself to get back my old self, the one I had before I met him but my heart wasn't fully into it. I fought, and fought hard to have him back. My dance with the devil ended with my heart badly bruised than ever before, and my soul ripped apart. What transpired after was totally out of my control. Or so I thought. Guys came into my life and I felt like I was slowly regaining my old self again. What I noticed though, in the months after I left them, or they left me is that, in each one of those guys, there was a part that reminded me of him. The hair, the physique, the musical skills, the gentle demeanor, the likes and dislikes. Months after he left and everything in my world still seem to revolve around him. I took this as a result of him leaving without even bothering to tell me why he is leaving but I never took it as a result of me not wanting to move on. That moment I realized that it was a result of me not wanting to move on, I fought. I fought with myself. I threatened the girl in the mirror so she would stop holding on and start letting go. My battle with myself took me to a point of desperation that took me to a place called Calvary. I've been here before, at this small hill to lay down my sins and disappointments and heartaches. Never have I thought that I would be back again, this time with a burden heavier than the heartaches I laid down before at the foot of that cross at the top of the hill. Putting down my sword at the foot of the hill, I made my way up to where the cross was situated, with every step killing me. It was a harder climb than before, with my heart heavier than ever. I did not want to lay it all down there this time. I don't want to surrender my battle for his heart here. I wanted to go on, to fight until my last day on earth. But something divine interfered and whispered, "Enough. You have suffered enough. Let me fight the rest of the fight for you." So at the foot of the cross on the top of the hill, I laid it all down. My heartache, my love for him, and every single question I have in my head. Memories of Antukin will finally be put to sleep.

    BEST. After all those battles I fought for love, I never really thought that one day, when I have already put down my armour, that real love at its best would find me. In a day I least expected to be found by pure, unconditional, once-in-a-lifetime love, I was found. From warrior princess to someone's only princess and soon to be queen, my life has changed from black and white to colorful. After all the heartaches, heartbreaks, bruised egos, and one ripped soul that is mine, the future looked like a rainbow in the sky. Here I am, after fighting the battles of my heart, finally getting ready to end my year with a new surname, and a new home. Though the road that led me to this path was a hard, twisted, rugged one, I know that this path leads to my heart's home. And I'm never going back to where I used to be.

(photo from Google search. That's Athena, Goddess of Wisdom, also the Goddess of War when she's Minerva)

FORGIVING...

"I forgive the tears I was made to shed,
I forgive the pain and the disappointments,
I forgive the betrayals and the lies,
I forgive the slanders and the intrigues,
I forgive the hatred and the persecution,
I forgive the blows that hurt me,
I forgive the wrecked dreams,
I forgive the stillborn hopes,
I forgive the hostility and jealousy,
I forgive the indifference and ill will,
I forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice,
I forgive the anger and the cruelty,
I forgive the neglect and the contempt,
I forgive the world and all its evils." -Aleph by Paulo Coelho (page 156-157)

Paulo Coelho writes about his own self and the people he meets in this lifetime, and in his other lifetimes. I do the same. I write about the people I've met, had relationships with, or those who simply touched a nerve or an emotion in me. Since I started going back to writing a manuscript a couple of months ago (the first one I wrote while I was in college is now lost in my old PC's busted hard drive that I can't access anymore), all I ever wrote about was a certain guy. My friends call him THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY. I call him, THE ONE WHO NEVER SAID GOODBYE. After reading Paulo Coelho's Aleph, I was at a lost. For certain, I know I don't love the guy anymore. I am in a happy and healthy relationship with the man I know God has made to be mine. So why is there this unexplainable feeling that has something to do with the one who never said goodbye?

My Bible says there is no other lifetimes than the one I'm living now. That there is no such thing as getting reincarnated into a cockroach if you don't do well in this lifetime. But why am I thinking, "What if, in another lifetime, he also left me without even saying goodbye? Should I fix it in this lifetime?"

I never wanted to finish reading Aleph. First few chapters and I already know it's going to be just like Eat Pray Love all over again. Eat Pray Love got me. It got me crying in my sleep. It even got me crying alone inside the moviehouse when I went to watch the movie alone. Yes, I watched it alone because I didn't want anyone seeing me cry over a Julia Roberts movie about finding one's self across three countries. The time I was reading the book, I already knew that the movie will make me cry. I watched it anyway. I guess you can call me a sucker for hurting myself. The first few chapters of the book Eat Pray Love made me want to throw it across the room, not because it was poorly written or something but because of all the names she can use, it has to be the name of the guy who never said goodbye. Could it be fate or some random circumstance that these 2 books (Eat Pray Love and Aleph) that were given to me by friends should remind me of him? With Eat Pray Love, I never got an answer. With Aleph, I did.

I asked myself, why is he the subject of my writings? Why is he always the protagonist/antagonist in the short stories I write? And why is he still the sun of my literary universe? Is it because I believe he is the one that got away and that all my literary works should be about him? Or is it because a part of me is still hurting because I cannot love him? Or is it because a part of me is still hurting that he cannot and will never love me the same way I loved him? Aleph gave me one simple answer but the truest of all the answers I've heard from a lot of people and books I've read.

I HAVE NOT FORGIVEN. Forgiven myself for falling in love with him and allowing myself to get hurt and forgiven him for leaving me stranded a number of times and never saying goodbye. My most favorite definition of the word FORGIVENESS is "giving up the right to hurt someone for hurting you" but I never really relinquished that right when it comes to him. I still want to hurt him, to show him how much pain he caused me, and how much he messed up my heart. A big day is fast approaching come December and I can't afford for that day to finally come with excess baggage I can't seem to get away from. Everytime I try to throw away that baggage, it manages to creep up behind me, waiting for the next time to show up right infront of my face. What should I do then? Unlike Hilal in the book Aleph, I was never able to talk to the man who hurt me. In the book, Paulo met Hilal, the woman he loved five hundred years before, but whom he betrayed in an act of cowardice. They met, journeyed together towards forgiveness and finding peace with the past. I, on the other hand, am alone in this journey of finding peace with my past and finally finding forgiveness. Anyone can try to help me forgive but will never be really successful in doing so. Listening to songs that will remind me of him on the loop will never help either. Until I opened my Bible to a verse that speaks well of forgiveness. Matthew 18:21-35 speaks about The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant. It's last line says:

"unless you forgive your brother from your heart..."

Forgiving from the bottom of my heart. Easy to say, but never easy to do. I grew up always getting even when someone offended me or angered me or hurt me. But this time, it's different. Forgiving him is not something I'm doing only for myself. It's something I'm doing for myself and for the man I love. Reading the Bible verse reminded me that in the past, I have turned my back on my first love, my unconditional love, the one great God who went down from His throne in heaven to forgive me of my sins and to restore me to eternal life with Him. I hurt Him, caused Him pain, yet He went down His throne to forgive me and to love me just the same as if I have never caused Him any pain. For the first time in my life since the early morning December 5, 2009 (the last time I saw him and talked to him in person), my heart is at ease, at peace. It took me this long to realize that moving on doesnt only mean freeing yourself from the love you once felt for a person, or pushing back the memories you both once made at the back of your memory storage so as not to be able to touch them again, or throwing away things that remind you of the person. Moving on should start and end with FORGIVING. Forgiving yourself, and forgiving the other person. Only then will you will finally be able to set each other free. For others, it takes a fraction of a second to forgive while for most of us, it would take months, even years to finally be able to fully, wholeheartedly forgive. It's never a walk in the park, this forgiving thing. For most of the time, it's like a rollercoaster ride. One day you feel like forgiving someone, while the next day you will feel totally the opposite. You might loathe the other person, or feel mad or angry the next. It is never the same feeling unless you forgive your brother from your heart just like what the parable says.

A Goodbye to a Great 2011... Hello to an Even Greater 2012!

2011 has just ended a few hours ago. 2012 has just started. Life in 2011 has been so great but I know 2012 will even be greater. :D So here's what happened in 2011:

*Ventured into renovating a bar out of nothing and friends helping. But then, I had to give it up to the real owners because they wanted to turn it into a cabaret again. When I left my job as Marketing and Events Officer at their restaurant, I left the bar too and decided to pursue my passions in life.

*Pursued my passions - Photography and Videography. Thank God for open doors because I was able to experience a lot in terms of both field. Thanks to Tootoots Leyesa for teaaching me and allowing me to shoot Mr. Noel Cabangon's album cover using his camera; thanks also to Jheng H. Abal for the tips in photography; to Wella Fan for the clients and stints you gave me; and most of all to Jeremy Sauza Cruz for the Canon 550d and for the lessons in Photography!

*Volunteered fulltime for Victory Christian Fellowship and Edited videos for them. Was so blessed to be a part of a new church family this year, the Communications Ministry of VCF Ortigas. They are such a warm bunch of people, true and not plastic. They will love you for who you are and teach you how to be a better Christian. To Papa Panda Wilbert Osiones, the father of the Communications Ministry Pandalets thank you for considering me one of your "guya" (anak/daughter/pandalet). To Lord Shen, Aren Adao,thank you for the trust in some of the projects we did and also for giving me the chance to be seen on TV. To Ate Jheng, thank you for the editing jobs and the hours we spent together in all the projects, lasting up to 1am or 2am at times. To Marielle Manahan, thank you for trusting me to do photography at the church events! To my Kapatid na Pandalets Alex, Cherry, MG, Wella, Jekka, thanks for the friendship! Looking forward to working more projects with all of you!

*Was welcomed by Pastor Marc Constantino at VCF Metro East. :D

*Mom got sick and was diagnosed with Adenomyosis with cysts in the uterus. She got operated and we spent a number of times at the hospital, first when she was already bleeding profusely, second was when a procedure called Biopsy was done and last was when they finally operated on her to remove the myoma and cysts in her uterus. Praise God, she's now okay. She was on leave from work for 2 months after the operation for recuperation but now, she's been able to go to school, go videoke sessions with her faculty friends, and she even got herself a brand new laptop wherein she can now do her school works PLUS play solitaire and just now before 2011 ended, she finally learned how to play Angry Birds!

*Got to meet and greet one of my favorite novelists NICHOLAS SPARKS. Jeremy lined up all morning for a signing pass so he can surprise me with it. For someone who was NEVER as in NEVER LUCKY with draws, that day, he got to draw a signing pass for me. So officially i was the 460th person to have a book autographed by Nicholas Sparks plus a photo of me with him. It was such an amazing surprise from God and him.

*Got to shoot an AVP for Jollibee, one of the biggest food chains in the country. Thanks to Imacron for choosing me to play a role in that AVP/Short Film.

*Got the new girl math whiz role of RIA in Knowledge Channel's Math Show K-HIGH. Thanks to Kuya Aren Adao for sending me casting information and for coaching me about things. Thanks to Never Ending Media Productions for trusting me with Ria's character! For a girl who was never really good in Math, in fact I almost flunked all my Math subjects all my life had it not been for the help of my classmates who were patient enough to help me with seatworks and those who tutored me for exams, having a Math show and being blessed financially by it is one great blessing I received.

*Had a new VG leader and she's one sweet and amazing woman! Thanks Ate Marielle for being there and for beings such a good listener. Thanks for all the advice, the sisterly love, and the happy times with your husband Kuya Mike! Thank you also to Kuya Mike for being a brother to me and Jeremy.

*Launched RED AND PURPLE CREATIVE STUDIO with the love of my life, photography and videography partner and boyfriend Jeremy Sauza Cruz. To all the clients who trusted us with their celebrations and events, you made my 2011 a fruitful and blessed one in terms of financial blessings!

*My birthday this year was a blast! My man organized the most amazing, most expensive birthday surprise ever for me. It was his first time to organize a birthday surprise for any girl for that matter and he was able to pull it through. Candlelight dinner at The Linden Suites (Suite 1703), then a surprise party with my friends at the same venue. Though most were unable to go because of the busy schedule that the Christmas season brought, it was still great. The best part was the fireworks display of Megamall seen entirely from the window of our suite.

*Got to know such an amazing family and I'm already excited to be part of that family. Tita Lhen, Jeremy, Jemy, Hannah, Jeth, Nanay, Tita Chat, Tito Jim, Jaimee and James. Thank you Tita Lhen for welcoming me into your family despite and inspite of.

*and the best part of 2011 - my boyfriend, my God's best, my foodtrip buddy, my photowalk companion, my business partner, my shoulder to cry on, my soon-to-be husband, my soon-to-be swimming instructor, my nurse whenever I get sick, my provider on those times that financial blessings are so tight and have not gone my way, my personal assistant on my shoots, my gig buddy, my co-music lover, my walking partner, and most of all, the love of my life Jeremy Sauza Cruz. Thank you for being such an amazing man! For being THE BEST in everything. Thank you for understanding my ever crazy moods and temper and for being a man who can lead me and tell me when I'm already being such a pain in the ass. Thank you for such an amazing love, a love I have never felt from any man in my entire life. I love you much! Much more than you can imagine! Looking forward to more years ahead as we walk together in the center of God's will.

and the GREATEST THANK YOU is for the GREATEST, the MOST WONDERFUL, MOST AMAZING, MOST GENEROUS, MOST LOVING, and MOST FORGIVING and MERCIFUL being in my life - GOD, JESUS CHRIST. Thank You for all the blessings - monetary, circumstances, events, people. And thank You for the unconditional love and never ending grace!

Happy New Year everyone!
Love,
Yani

24 things I want to accomplish next year...

Last December 17, I celebrated my 24th birthday. It was the best birthday ever thanks to my God's best Jeremy. He organized the best birthday surprise ever. As most people would write about the things they learned in the span of their existence, here I am writing about the things I wish to accomplish while I am still 24. Then when I turn, I'm going back to this list and see if I was able to accomplish all of these... :D

1. LEARN HOW TO SWIM AGAIN. I have this tendency to push back memories and skills I learned if it's somehow associated with an ex. Well, swimming is associated with my longest relationship before Jeremy. Jess, my ex bestfriend/boyfriend was a swimmer and all those 6 years we were best of friends, he was always trying to teach me how to swim. This year, I vow to take swimming seriously.

2. LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE GUITAR/PIANO/BASS. I wish to be able to learn how to play any of those 3 but I wish to learn how to play the bass most. I used to be able to play the guitar until, again as my memory would always do, when it's associated with an ex, I tend to forget the skill. This time, I know Jeremy will teach me and I won't forget.

3. LEARN HOW TO RIDE A BIKE.  Seriously, I'm 24 and I don't know how to ride a bike. When I was a kid, I would be taught by my dad how to ride the bike but I was too afraid to move forward because I was afraid I might crash and get nasty wounds. That time I still had dreams of becoming a beauty queen that's why I don't want to get my skin scathed. Hoping that this year, I finally get to learn how to ride the bike.

4. LEARN HOW TO DRIVE MANUALLY. I learned how to drive years ago but what I learned was how to drive an automatic car. So this time, I wish to learn how to drive manually.

5. TO COMPLETE MY NICHOLAS SPARKS COLLECTION. I have his novels The Bend in the Road, The Guardian, The Wedding, The Notebook, True Believer, and The Best of Me so far and I wish to complete my collection of his books. Hopefully I'll be able to complete them soon.

6. FINISH WRITING A BOOK. I've always dreamt of becoming a published author and before I turn 25 next December, I hope I get to finish this manuscript I've began, and to submit it to a publishing house. Hopefully, I get to be published at the age of 24! All in God's time.

7. TO FINALLY BE ABLE TO PUT INTO FILM THE STORY I'VE WRITTEN AS A SHORT FILM RELEASED ONLINE. I don't have the means to really produce a full-length short film and how it released elsewhere so I only wish to release it as an online video. Hopefully I get to shoot it soon!

8. TO BE ABLE TO SHOOT PHOTOS OF ANY OF MY FAVORITE MUSIC ARTISTS. Not just normal gig photos but I wish to have a real photoshoot session with any of my favorite music artists. I was already given the chance to shoot Mr. Noel Cabangon, under the watchful eyes of Tootoots Leyesa but I still want to add another feather in my cap. Rico Blanco? Bamboo? Urbandub? Parokya ni Edgar? Ely Buendia? Pepe Smith? Why not!

9. TO HAVE A PHOTO OF ME WITH SIR JOEY DE LEON. Oh yes, I'm a fan of the genius! And Mr. Joey de Leon is one of those I really see as a genius. So yeah, fan girl me wants a photo with him.

10. TO BE ABLE TO PHOTOGRAPH A KNOWN CELEBRITY. I wish for a known celebrity to be shot by my lens. Not just your usual stolen shots when you see them in the mall, but a real photo in a studio or location.

11. A TEN-DAY MISSION TO A MUSLIM COUNTRY. Yes, I have the heart for missions. Same as the heart of my man. We both have a heart for Muslims as well. So this year, I know, I'll be sent out. Cmon!

12. TO FINALLY GET TO TALK FACE TO FACE WITH THAT PERSON I REALLY WISH WOULD TALK TO ME IN PERSON AND CLOSE SOME CHAPTERS.

13. TO START AN ONLINE SHOP. What will I sell? That is yet to be revealed.

14. FOR RED AND PURPLE CREATIVE STUDIO TO GO FULL-THROTTLE. Red and Purple Creative Studio is my baby with Jeremy. It's our videography business and we specialize in creative wedding and debut videos. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Red-and-Purple-Creative-Studio/227986380607513

15. TO BE ABLE TO WRITE SOME LYRICS AND HAVE JEREMY MAKE THE MELODY. I am a writer and I love writing poems and lines and I wish to have one of my poems be made into a song. My ultimate wish? To be able to write a worship song.

16. TO GRADUATE FROM BIBLE SCHOOL.

17. TO HOST EVENTS AGAIN.

18. MORE TV SHOWS FOR ME AFTER K-HIGH.

19. TO FINALLY FORGIVE SOMEONE. Oh I know most of my friends know who that person is. Even my VG leader at church knows who that person is. Hopefully I get to forgive soon.

20. RANT LESS (OR NOT AT ALL) ON MY ONLINE ACCOUNTS. Easy to say, hard to do. But with God's grace, I hope to be able to accomplish this.

21. HAVE MY OLD AND BUSTED PHONE BE REPLACED WITH A BB. Oh yes I want a blackberry! It doesn't have to be the really expensive ones. I'm happily contented with a simple one. Just as long as I get to BBM my bestfriend Shine abroad as well as most of my friends. Oh and the last time I changed phones was March 2009. Don't you think it's about high time I change?

22. BUY A NIKKOR 50MM LENS FOR MY EVER RELIABLE BUT OLD D40. Oh yes, I just want a lens. Not a new unit. I'm happily contented with my d40. Plus, as soon as Leigh (Jeremy's and mine's Canon 550d) gets repaired, I have another unit when I have a photoshoot. :D

23.BE MORE MINDFUL OF MY WORDS AND MY TEMPER. Well, I've been trying hard for the past 20 years. Hopefully, there's a greater improvement this year.

24.  BE THE WOMAN THAT GOD WANTS ME TO BE. I just want to be more and more of who He wants me to be all the years of my life.


:D

It's the Simple Things in Life We Forget...

it's the simple things in life we forget...

you hear her talking but dont hear what she's saying

how could you make something so easy so complicated

searching for what's right in front of your face

but you can't see it...

-Usher

A lot of people right now have forgotten that simple things used to bring forth happiness. That the simple things in life are sometimes the most satisfying things in this world. In an era plagued by social networking sites, the world wide web, Apple products and Android phones, a lot of the things that used to bring us happiness and entertainment have slowly been neglected.

Kids nowadays spent more time making friends via the internet rather than going out of their houses and making friends with their neighbors. If you see kids nowadays in school, when they are on their breaks, they would usually be on their phones, iPods, iPads, laptops or any wifi connecting device facebook-ing away or tweeting away. Back in my childhood days, school breaks are spent chasing each other, playing hide and seek, Chinese garter, agawan base, tumbang preso, or patintero. Now the kids of today have lost interest in playing REAL games. They would just rather spend their time in front of a PC, playing online RPG games, Angry birds, or harvesting crops on Farmville. Gone are the days of bruised knees. 

People nowadays would rather download eBooks than going out to your favorite bookstore and getting a copy of the latest novel from your favorite author. For most people, it's easier and more economical to download books on the Internet. But what ever happened to the joy of flipping over a page (a real page made of paper for that matter), putting dog ears on the books you read, borrowing books from friends and sharing your book collection to others?

Technology may have made things easier for us yet it have also robbed us of the simple but REAL joys in life.

:D