battle scars-to-be...

it's been a week since the night i broke down on the way home. he was with me, and i had my face on his shoulder facing away from him. no matter how hard i tried, the tears just kept on falling. the world seems to have crumbled and the biggest chunks fell on my shoulder. i felt tired, stressed, angry, hurt, and defeated. the strong facade i have tried to build all these years fell down. it felt like the Berlin Wall being smashed into pieces again. no matter how hard he tried to hush me, i wouldnt stop crying. no matter how hard i try to cry out to God, i just couldnt feel better. it's not that He left me all alone to face the battles. it's just the physical me that's so beat up. part of me says "Leave everything to God. He will take care of everything." but practically speaking, I still need to face all these battles. I cannot just run to God and hide away from the battles. He would want me to face them, with His strength and grace. to be honest, I'm still tired. i just want to escape everything. i want to sleep and not wake up anymore. whenever you would see me, you'd see me smile and be happy with my friends but that happy feeling is just passing. they would last for minutes, even hours, depending on the amount of time i spend with my friends. but when i'm already alone, in the bus on the way home, the battles would soon envelope me, never letting me go. from the moment i wake up to the minute i fall asleep, they would consume me to the core. jeremy tells me i'm always so optimistic about things but nowadays, i've been beginning to doubt if i really am. there are just too many battles in my life, all of them came all together at the same time. blame it on my being so idealistic perhaps. or in my idiosyncrasies. or in the way i would always say "come what may." but i did not foresee all these battles coming. what makes it so hard to deal with these battles is that those who should be the least of my priorities want to be the main priority and wants my whole effort and energy. if i do so, then those battles that are really important would go bigger and stronger thus crushing me more.

it's not always a matter of spirituality. i know what He wants me to do with these battles. i shouldnt run. i should face them head on. He wants me to do so. it's not because He cannot take them away from me but because He wants to develop another level of faith, maturity and character. but the problem is, all of these battles demand the best of me. and i cannot give them that all at the same time. He wants me to deal with the biggest battle first before settling the minor ones. but how can i do so if the minor ones wants to be taken cared of at first? i dont know what to do anymore. i pray and pray, i rant, i cry. and i know He hears me. He answers. but others question the way i hear God. others question my maturity in faith. others judge. those who think they are more mature in faith and in their walk with God says my actions are always wrong. my motives and intentions are never right. but who are they to judge others? who are they to judge me? who are they to say i lack maturity in my walk with God? is it because i've only been walking in the Christian faith for 2 years and they have walked that way all their lives? is that the gauge of being a mature Christian? and will actions alone gauge it too? i remember a preaching i heard from Pastor Patrick Mercado. He said that being young in the Christian walk does not mean you cant hear from God. it does not also mean that the years of being a Christian guarantees how well you walk and how well you run the race. It's not a matter of years. It's a matter of faith and obedience.

work. well it's still one battle among the many other battles i have. but atleast right now i'm sort of earning for the little and simple needs that i have. when i said sort of earning, my pay is not that of a regular employee. mine is that of a freelancer, getting paid for every freelance job he does. as an apprentice of one of the best photographers in the country, it does guarantee me good learning and atleast adequate amount of pay per photoshoot. but it does not guarantee that i will be able to help the house and my mom (which is another battle by the way). i get tempted to just drop all of these and just accept the corporate work that's being offered to me but i would always go back to the reason why i left the corporate world anyway. that i wasnt happy with the work, and i dont see myself fit for any corporate work. yes i can finish whatever task you give me, but at the end of the day, it is still not what i want and what i'm equipped to do. and at the end of it all, being stuck in the corporate world is not in any way related to my dreams. i dream of becoming a successful writer, filmmaker, and photographer. not a marketing and events person who's stuck in the office until the wee hours of the morning just trying to finish the job. so there, now i'm just an apprentice. the photographer's apprentice. mind you, an excellent photographer at that. but it still does not change the fact that my previous earnings of 15 thousand a month could not even make me save up for something tangible for the house, what more would my new way of earning which is pay-per-shoot. the only thing i'm holding on to is the fact that God will never let me go unprovided for. He has proven that He will always provide for me most especially in those days He knows i need it most. 

jeremy. well, he isnt part of my battles. not entirely. of course we have our petty quarrels but that does not mean he is a battle on his own. it's just that. sometimes, when what he will be in future caughts up with me, it makes me realize how big the responsibility is of becoming his wife. the responsibility of becoming a wife of what he will be in God's kingdom. it's too much of a pressure. i did not even want to be what i will be when i marry him. most Christian girls dream of that but i dont. so yes, the pressure is making me stressed out. i know i shouldn't be. because at the end of it all, i just love him so much i shouldnt really care of he's going to be a pastor or full-time minister at church. but, there are people who's unconsciously pressuring me to act this way and that way because hey, i'm gonna be his wife! i should be like this, i should be like that. i should act the way they want me to, i should do the things they think i should do. or i should not do what they think i should not do. and most of the time, it's too much for me to handle. but as I always say, God always has a plan. so whatever it is that made Him decide to put me as a minister's wife, i know it's for a reason. even if i dont want to be one.

family. my family that is. well that's the biggest battle of all. my parents being separated and all. me being the only born-again Christian in the family. me being the only child and that means i would have a hard time moving out when i get married. plus the fact that i need to save up for something big for my mom. something i know she wants to have before i get married. all of those are included in one big battle labeled "Family". the thing is, i cannot fight all of those battles (even the ones i did not mention) all at the same time. i'm just a girl. i am fragile too. though i may be strong, i also get weak.

the good thing about all of these, i know that this is just a season. that after this season, it's another level of maturity, another level of faith.

because He told me this:

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (New International Version)

⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

at the end of the day, i may rant, i may cry, i may plead for Him to take it all away. i may want to not wake up anymore but I know that in my battles, God will be glorified at the end. 

The Men Who Left a Mark: Jam Capistrano

The first time I saw him, it was at church. He was leading prayer and worship night and I couldnt help but notice how good he sings. And of course, how good-looking he is. But what I noticed most about him is the way he earnestly worship God while he leads. When on stage leading service, some worship leaders tend to play along the line of worshiping and performing. But he did not. That whole night, he did not even went near that line. He was worshiping. Never performing. His heart was earnestly singing to God.

He's famous. He lived the limelight. He was part of the guy group Wiseguys. But whenever you will see him at church, it wouldnt strike you as someone who was once there, someone who once lived the life. He seems so humble, so nice and there is no negative adjective that follows his presence.

The first time I got to talk to him, I had to tell him something that one of his small group members did to me. I asked for his help regarding the situation. He told me he will do something with the situation. After that night, the next time I saw him was when he and his small group member would meet with me and my small group leader to fix the problem. I wouldnt go into details of the talk but all i can say is, it was a humbling experience. The situation was solved yet he solved it in a peaceful way. He was so patient with me and his small group member, and never once did he raise his voice to us. It did not feel like he was scolding us. It felt more like he was comforting us. I did not expect that kind of treatment considering the situation. But nonetheless, I was glad that he was the small group leader.

That day, he said something that I would never forget. It made me hold on to God more in terms of my love life. He said, "Kung siya na nga yung talagang para sayo, pumunta ka man ng Appari at siya sa Jolo, kung kayo talaga, magtatagpo at magtatagpo kayo harangan man namin kayo ng sibat. Kasi What God has opened, no man can close and what God has closed, no man can open." When I heard that, I said to myself, "I will only know that the one I'm praying for is my God's best if God will tell me the same words that Kuya Jam told me."

After that talk, I had some chat with Kuya Jam and I told him, "Kuya Jam, sa kasal ko ikaw kakanta ha." He answered me, "Ano bang kanta? Basta ba alam ko at alam kong yung pakakasalan mo eh yung tamang lalaki para sayo na ginawa ni Lord para sayo." Yes, I want him to sing at my wedding. And I know that he can say the one I'm set to marry is already the right one.

In those months that I was earnestly praying for my God's best, I would always tell God, "God, I want my God's best to be like Kuya Jam. A man of God, a worshiper, a leader." And yes, Jeremy is like Kuya Jam. He counsels like Jam and talks like Jam. Why wouldnt he? He belongs to Kuya Jam's small group. He was discipled by Kuya Jam.

Isaiah 22:22 "what he opens, no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open."

The Men Who Left a Mark: Sir Jaime Bolok

Forever Labs.

Most of my blockmates would agree that he will always be our Forever Labs. He taught us a lot about Public Relations, Radio and TV Production, Theater, Broadcasting and Life. He is one of the best if not the best professor we ever had. And the most loved. Not only because he taught us a lot, but he also made us work our butts off every week just so we can be honed to our fullest potential as future media practitioners.

I still remember that day we first saw him. He was wearing a black long sleeves rolled up to his elbows, sitting halfway at the teacher's table inside the masscomm laboratory, waiting for us to arrive from our previous class. We didnt know who our professor for Public Relations will be. we thought it would just be one of the professors we had before. Imagine the surprise visible in our faces when we entered the classroom to see a good-looking guy, waiting for us. Yes, most of the girls if not all had a crush on him from that moment on. That semester, we were all at our best. We would go to class looking good, prepared with our assignments and projects, and prepared to give our all to this good-looking professor. But it wasnt only us who gave our best. He did as well. Every class, he would go to the room prepared well for his lesson. At the end of the semester, we didnt want to let him go. He is already part of our lives more than just a professor. He became our friend.

Imagine our joy when he became our professor again in our other major subjects. And boy he pushed us to our limits! I still remember making projects every week for his class. from live productions, to music videos, to newscast, to radio shows, to morning shows, to noontime entertainment show, to infotainment shows. he put us under the fire to bring out the diamonds in each one of us. and at the end of our college life, we could not help but be thankful he became our mentor.

I remember the day we surprised him. it was our way of thanking him for everything he taught us. it was the last day of our class with him and graduation is just a few days away. I remember him crying because for him, we werent just students. we are his first loves because we are the first batch he taught, the first batch he had produced to the media world. i remember hearing him say we will forever be his first loves and no one can take our place in his life.

all the things i know now, all the things i can do now, i owe it mostly to Sir Jabs.

Sir Jabs, thank you for all the lessons in class and outside the class. i know we will all treasure it. for all the sleepless nights, the cramming, the long hours rehearsing for Broadway Bound and our weekly productions i am grateful. so grateful. you will forever be my forever labs.


"Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love? Measure in love

Seasons of love. Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.

It's time now to sing out,
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Seasons of love!

Oh you got to got to
Remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love spread love
Measure measure your life in love."

 

The Men Who Left a Mark: Sir Jun Rabeje

27 February 2008
For Ms Angeles

"Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor, I met a girl so fair..."

Sincerely,
Sir Jun

This was written in the first page of the book Hammer of the Gods The Led Zeppelin Saga. the book was from him. at first, the book was just borrowed. he let me borrowed it so i can read the biography of one of my favorite bands of all time, Led Zep. when i was returning it already, he said, "Ms. Angeles wait for me here." he then went inside the library, emerging a few minutes later, still with the book at hand. he said, "here. it's yours." that was the first time a college professor gave me something. the first time i was given a book by a mentor.

let's go back to the summer of 2008. as always, i was in school, keeping busy with summer classes so i can finish my course in just 3 years. that summer, i enrolled one of my minor subjects which is Sociology and Anthropology. on the first day of class, in came a professor who wears thick eyeglasses, looks like a bookworm and looks like a strict professor. his name is Sir Jun Rabeje. i've seen him in school before though i never got the chance to be his student before Socio-Anthro. i wouldnt go into the details of the class but i can tell you, despite of it being a minor subject, it was one of the best classes i attended in Baste. he was great! he teaches the lesson in a clear manner, to be understood by everyone considering that for most students, Socio-Anthro can be one of the most boring subjects. who would want to study about the Homo Erectus, Homo Sapiens and all other homos right? who would enjoy learning about the different sociological theories like Marxism? only few people enjoy that. but i enjoyed his class! it was a blast. and he enjoyed having me as a student as well. we just jived. he loves books, music, history and general information. the same things i love. he also writes. and he is intelligent. among all my professors, he is my most favorite in terms of intellect. no, there is nothing romantic. purely platonic.

i still remember the deal he made with me in class. since i would always get an almost perfect score in all his quizzes (one mistake only), he challenged me in front of the class to perfect his final exam. if i would be successful in doing so, he would lend me his collection of Rush CDs. Rush is not so popular in the Philippines, only a few people know about them (google if you want to know about them). the exam came and i was so nervous about it. when i was done, i reviewed it and thought i did good. came the following day, he handed our exams back. he saved mine for last. when he handed me my exam, i was brokenhearted. i got 1 mistake. when i looked inside the text booklet, i noticed that my mistake was a wrong spelling. i lack a letter S for this certain word. the whole class waited for him to announce if i won the challenge or not. instead, he asked them, "Class, should I consider a wrong spelling?" at this moment i was near tears. the whole class was silent. they could not answer. when no one was answering him, he said, "Ms. Angeles, come here." when i got to the table, lo and behold! there at the table are the Rush CDs he would lend me! i was so happy i couldnt wait to go home. he told me, i was one of the best if not the best student he ever had in class.

i learned a lot from him. music, history, law, socio-anthro, general information. but if there is one thing that i will never forget about him, it's his confidence in my intellect. he trust my brains enough for him to challenge me to perfect his exam because he knows that i can do so. he believed in me and my brains and he rewarded me because of my courage to step out in faith, took the challenge, and did all i can do to perfect the exam. i may have misspelled an answer but that did not stop him from giving me the grade i deserve, and the reward that he promised.

it's just sad though that in my final year in Baste, he wasnt around anymore. he left for a greener pasture for his family. and he left me a book as a remembrance. and everytime i would see the book, i would remember that once, a professor trusted me enough and believed in the things that my brain can do. believed in the talents i have and the big memory space i have in between my two ears.

to Mr. Jun Rabeje, whether you will get to read this or not, i will forever be grateful for the lessons learned in class, the book, the music talk, the trust in my intellect. when most professors judge me by my looks and say I can only be beautiful but not brainy, you opted to go the other way and see beyond the face. you saw the other side of me - the brainy one.

                                   (photo i took of the book he gave me. the guy isnt him though)

The Men Who Left a Mark, Good or Bad.

i've been wanting to right about the men in my life, past or present who made a difference and left a mark. whether it was a good mark or a bad mark, they still changed the course of my life. positive or negative, they still molded a part of my life.

there are a lot of them. friends, bestfriends, past boyfriends, mentors. in every person who came to my life whether for a short period of time or for a longer period of time, they all gave me lessons to learn, things to ponder on, and memories to cherish. why write about MEN instead of the WOMEN? well, it's harder to think of how these men made an impact to me. more so, it's harder to admit that some of them gave me pain yet they were able to give me lessons that i will remember until the day i die. who are they? well, wait for my next few blogs because they are dedicated to them.

how God wrote my love story...

this was from the blog Finally Breaking My Silence which I deleted because I already had my side heard. but I'm reposting this part so as to give you a view of how God wrote our love story. I hope that everyday of our lives, we can glorify God in every way. because He gave me Jeremy, my answered prayer.

january 14: last day of prayer and fasting. for the 7 days of prayer and fasting, I was earnestly praying for my God's best. on the 7th day, God gave me a revelation. He will reveal my God's best with a sign of 4 dark blue/violet tulips that will be given to me at church on my birthday. This was given to me with the word Jeremiah 29:11. The only one who knows about this is me and my prayer partner Selah.

January 30: I got a revelation/prophecy at church that I'll be married to a worshipper who plays an instrument for God. on that day also, Kuya Jam told me, "kung para sayo talaga ung tao, pumunta ka man ng appari at siya sa jolo, pagtatagpuin at pagtatagpuin pa rin kayo harangan man namin kayo ng sibat. Sabi nga sa word, What God has opened no man can close, what God has closed no man can open. Kung kayo talaga, kayo talaga."

feb 8: Habakkuk 2:2-3 Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. though it lingers, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.

february 14: iHeart. God spoke to Jeremy about his relationship with his girlfriend and commanded him to break it up. That same night, God talked to Raymond about me and commanded him to do the same.

july 18: i got word from God that He will wake up my God's best. John 11:11 and Genesis 2:21-24. He is going to wake him up already.

september 1: he played for my event Project Corinth with 2911. that night, the first moment he saw me, he said to God, "she's so pretty can I have her?" that night, he already claimed me from God and he knew right then and there that im the one. he even sang the song Ako'y Sa'yo at Ika'y Akin, a song that i've always loved since i was a kid. (accdg. to his story)

november 5: i saw him at eastwood when i was there for a gig.

november 15: intramuros photowalk with Jeremy. it wasnt planned. he had to go to intramuros to check out the place for a shoot he needs to do and i needed to look for a place where i can shoot the band i was with back then. that night, when he tried to remove something in my face, i backed off and got scared of his touch. when i got home, i was reminded in my quiet time of the prayer i said to God before. i told God that one of the signs that will point me to my God's best is I WILL BE AFRAID TO BE TOUCHED BY HIM. after my quiet time, i opened my starbucks planner where i wrote down His revelations last prayer and fasting. i caught sight of the list i made of the things i want to do with my God's best. #18 says INTRAMUROS TOUR. I then asked God, "jeremy? it cant be. eden's praying for him." the word He gave me was Jeremiah 29:11. i took it as is. that He has plans for me.

november 20: i told God, "God i want your will to be done. so if Jeremy isnt the one, remove his feelings for me while he is on the mission field. remove my likeness for him as well." a few hours after, he asked me to be his prayer partner for the 15days that he is in China on a mission trip.

november 27: while praying for my God's best when he will be revealed, God gave me Isaiah 14:24 The Lord Almighty has sworn, "surely as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will stand."

november 28: he asked me to attend service with him. in my quiet time, God gave me as word for my God's best, Jeremiah 40:3 "And now the Lord has brought it about, he has done just as he said he would."

november 29: Revelation 14:12 "this calls for patient endurance..."

november 30: Isaiah 22:22 "what he opens, no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open." - reminded me of what Kuya Jam said.

december 1: i went with him and the missions team to the airport to send them off. this day was also the start of my 2nd prayer and fasting for my God's best. God's word when I asked him if i should open up my heart to Jeremy - Isaiah 26:2 "Open the gates that the righteous nation may enter, the nation that keeps faith."

december 2: Isaiah 37:26 "Have you not heard? Long ago I planned it, in the days of old I planned it; now I have brought it to pass..."

december 3: Isaiah 46:10-11 (10) "I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please. (11) What I have said, I will bring about; what I have planned, that I will do." -confirmation if He will really reveal my God's best on my birthday.

december 14: Jeremy got Philippians 4 verse 3 when he asked God is he can lay his intentions already.

december 15: Jeremy's laying of intentions. i told him he should talk to eden about it. He did. The word I got that night, Luke 4:21 "Today the Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing."

december 17: my birthday. God's promised sign would be revealed today. I was outside the door of VCF Galleria waiting for Jeremy because he will attend youth service with me. When he got there, he handed me a simple bouquet of flowers and my notebook which he used in China and which he forgot to return when he laid his intentions. the bouquet has 3 dark blue/violet tulips, and outside my notebook there is a painting of a blue tulip. 3 + 1 = 4. 4 dark blue/violet tulips outside the church on my birthday. PROMISED FULFILLED. why did he give me that? he doesnt know. when he got to Designer Blooms Eastwood, he was supposed to give me White Tulips but none was available. the only ones available were yellow and the dark blue/violet ones.

2010: every day that i would ask God who my God's best is, He would always give me the word Jeremiah 29:11. Back then i took it as it is. a word that says He has plans for me. But on the day that God revealed Jeremy to me, it all made sense. God's been telling me the name of my God's best. Jeremy is a form of Jeremiah. and I first got to know Jeremy in person when he played for a band 29:11 in one of my events.

Jeremiah 29:11. He is definitely my God's best.

                                                                 (photo from google)

I-N-T-E-N-T-I-O-N-S...

in·ten·tion  (n-tnshn)

n.

1. A course of action that one intends to follow.

2.

a. An aim that guides action; an objective.

b. intentions Purpose with respect to marriage: honorable intentions.

3. Medicine The process by which or the manner in which a wound heals.

4. Archaic Import; meaning.

INTENTION. a strong word that can make or break an action. 

when i published my most viewed blog, "Finally Breaking My Silence", it caused a lot of raised eyebrows, anger from people not mentioned in the blog but felt strongly for the girl, and questions about my intentions. what were my real intentions when i wrote that blog? thinking back to the day i wrote it, i started questioning the feelings i had that day and the night before that. the night before i posted my blog, someone related to the girl called me a b****. Yup, that word that's on your mind. obviously, i would get freakin mad about it. When I attended service that night, all I can ask God is "Why do i always have to let them say things they want to say about me, let them put me down with their words and just stay quiet in my own little world? Why do i have to be the one who would have to deal with anger inside? Why cant I just be like my old self and say what i want to say to those people who opted to hurt me with their words?" I could not take it anymore. When i woke up the following day, I started writing that blog. At first, it contained very harsh words that can hurt anyone who reads them. It would definitely hurt the one i wrote it for. After 6 EDITING and asking permission from Jeremy if I can post it, I posted it. I posted the mildest version i can come up with. So what was my intentions when i posted it? At the onset of my writing, I wanted to lash out and hurt her back for the things that was said about me. I wanted her to feel the pain she made me feel. But as I edited the blog and edited it again and again, I started to question my motive, my intentions. As I go on editing it, my intentions changed. I didnt want to hurt her anymore. I just want her to hear me out. For her to finally know my side of the story, the side that she didnt want to hear before. So to answer the question what was my intention when I posted the blog? i just wanted to be heard. Pardon me if it hurt some people who werent really part of the picture. You cant blame me for letting my side be heard. If you are in my position, letting all those hurt boil up inside for 3 months already and as each day pass, more hurt gets added, you would do the same. Most women would do the same. Dont be a hypocrite and tell me you wouldnt because girls tend to be more emotional, and when they get hurt, angered or pained, all they tend to do is LASH OUT their anger towards the person. Whether face to face or through technology, women would still tend to say what's on their mind. Like the famous saying, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." here's a sample scenario. you find out your husband is cheating on you, wouldnt you confront him? wouldnt you confront the girl? another scenario, your boyfriend is cheating on you. wouldnt you confront the guy and the other girl? wouldnt you express your feelings by lashing out, bursting out and saying all the things you want to say? women would. it's in their nature. why do you think men call us a NAG? thats because we use up all the words in the vocabulary everytime we feel a negative strong emotion. 

INTENTIONS. as i sat down in the room of my new mentor, Tootoots Leyesa, this word filled up the entire space. That day, when he was asking me different things about Photography, all my knowledge seemed to fly out the window and all I can answer is I don't know. 

Tootoots: What separates a photographer from a lomoista? What separates you from a lomoista?

Me: Ummmm....

Tootoots: Are you a photographer?

Me: Ummm i hope i am.

Tootoots: Ang sagot mo dapat OO. With conviction na oo photographer ako. Kaya ka nga andito eh.

Tootoots: Give me one word that would some up the difference between a photographer and a lomoista.

(after what felt like eternity and me not being able to answer....)

Tootoots: INTENTIONS. That's what separates you from a lomoista. Para ka dapat Ninja, hindi mo ilalabas ang sword mo with the intention only to hurt but with the intention to kill because that's what you're trained to do. Parang ang camera mo. Hindi mo ilalabas lang yan kase kumain kame gusto ko lang picturan.

(with that being said, he wrote the word INTENTIONS on my left wrist to remind me of it that day as I shoot for Noel Cabangon's album.)

INTENTIONS - an aim that guides an action. So what are your intentions? Everytime you blog, everytime you put a status message on your wall that is meant for someone who irritates you, everytime you shout at someone in the family, everytime you shout at your friends, everytime you judge other people, CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS. Are they intended to build or to ruin? Are they intended to be for another person's growth or for his destruction? For me, that is a lesson well learned.

If you ask me, if i will be given to redo time and go back to the time i was going to click PUBLISH, would i have not published it? I wouldnt. Because all i wanted was to be heard. not to hurt. And if she did not read that, I dont think she would have talked to me to hear my side of the story.

                            (the word INTENTION as written by my mentor, Tootoots Leyesa)

God and coffee...

having been given a subject to blog about by my baby, here i am typing my thoughts away as to how i will blog about the subject. it started with the question, "Babe, can you do an impromptu blog?" When I answered "Yes.", he took advantage of it and told me, "Can you make one right now? I'll give you a subject to blog about." Do I have a choice? Well I have. But just like I chose to eat the very very toasted giniling with potatoes and cheese (imagine there's cheese in giniling!) despite my common sense telling me it does not taste good, here I am blogging about the subject he gave me.

Coffee and God. that's the subject he gave me. asking me to blog might be the result of the loss of confidence i had on my writing ability due to the fact that i cant seem to get any work as a writer. and blame it on the fact that some of the companies i applied to told me im not even good in writing. (i've been writing for almost all of my life and getting discouraging words from those companies really took its toil on my confidence.) he and i been having some discussions about me writing again because for him, my writings are really good. but due to the blow on my writing skills, i lost amour for writing. i dont even want to continue the book i was starting to right.

going back, the subject is Coffee and God. i can actually just blog about the overly used joke of our Victory Galleria head pastor, Pastor Ferdie which is "God loves coffee. You know why? Because HeBrews." to save me the time and energy to think but it isnt mentally fulfilling. so, should i write about the similarities? or should i write about the differences? mind you, the discussion for one aspect can go a long way. hence, i opted to cross the line and discuss both. hahahaha!

When I was google-ing the characteristics of coffee, I chanced upon this website and it says, "In Colombia, the world's largest producer of mild coffee, the importance of coffee is undeniable. A cup of this magical liquid is the perfect pretext to start the day off practically anywhere: on the street, at home, in a cafeteria, on a balcony, in front of a computer, in the garden. And it is perfect for sharing time with friends or taking a break at the office." (http://www.colombia.travel/en/international-tourist/sightseeing-what-to-do/colombia-thematic-routes/coffee/characteristics-of-coffee)

COFFEE.
It starts the day off practically anywhere: on the street, at home, in a cafeteria, on a balcony, in front of a computer, in the garden, in a public utility vehicle. You can have coffee anywhere as you start the day.

GOD.
He practically wants you to start your day with His presence, in His presence and with His words. Anywhere. From the moment you open your eyes to a brand new day, to you taking a shower, or eating breakfast, or rushing to the office, in public utility vehicles, or while walking towards your office building.

COFFEE.
And it is perfect for sharing time with friends or taking a break at the office.

GOD.
He is perfect. And He is a perfect subject to share with friends or your co-workers while having a break at the office. Perfect I say? Yes. Because who wouldnt want to hear of a God who works in your life in the littlest detail of it yet sees the whole picture of your life? Who wouldnt want to hear about how God blesses all those who care enough to cast their cares to Him?

COFFEE.
Four factors must be taken into account when enjoying a cup of coffee. They are Acidity, Aroma, Body and Taste. All four should be present for you to be able to enjoy your cup of coffee.

GOD.
The 2 primary aspect of God's nature that is especially relevant in evangelism are His authority and His love. Unlike coffee wherein you cannot fully enjoy the cup if one factor is absent, you can fully enjoy a relationship with God even if one of these 2 factors is not present. This is because every season with God is an enjoyable one even if it is the season of pruning and He simply wants you to acknowledge His authority. BUT, once He is done with you on the pruning stage, His love overflows and blessings will fill your cup til it overflows.

COFFEE.
Your coffee cup cannot overflow or else, it would spill and you would have coffee stains on the table or on your clothes.

GOD.
God's love for you overflows. It is so overflowing that He was even willing to sacrifice His own Son on the cross to die for our sins. His own "flesh and blood", His one and only Son. With Him, all things overflow and there are no disadvantages of overflowing.

COFFEE.
Too much of anything is bad right? So is too much coffee. It can make you acidic. It can also make you palpitate.

GOD.
If there is one thing in this world that would totally negate the saying "too much of anything is bad", well that's God. Too much of His presence, too much of His love, too much of obedience to Him, too much of love for him wont be bad for you. Hence, it would make Him glad and happy that finally, His precious son/daughter is grasping the idea of selfless/unconditional love that is seen in Jesus.

From the same website, i found this quotation - "Good coffee should be black as night, hot as hell, sweet as love." Thats for coffee.

As for God, well i can only say this - God sees you and cares for you even in the blackest of night, He doesnt want you to experience the hot furnace of hell because His love is the sweetest thing on earth.

                                                                 (photo from Google)

the importance of waiting for your God's Best

God's best. God's Perfect Choice. God's Will. They are all terms we use for that specific person God had created to be ours and ours alone. That one person whom others call soulmate or perfect match.

Why is it so important to wait for him and to wait upon God to put him our way? There are a lot of reasons why. Let me count the ways errr reasons. :)

1. Waiting for HIM spares you from all the emotional heartache, heartbreak and stress. Need i say more about the reason? :)

2. Waiting for HIM makes you reserve yourself (all of it!) for HIM and HIM ALONE.

3. When HE waits for you, it would mean YOU WONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH PAST GIRLFRIENDS. Trust me on this, it doesnt matter if he did not love the EX, but their relationship will still cause some disturbances in paradise. You cant overlook some of those details even if you want to. It's not because you dont trust him. It's just that, a part of you yearns to be the first to do this and that to him and with him. And most of the time, some ex girlfriends still hold on to their past without knowing how to quit. Worst, wouldnt really want to quit. Irritating right?

4. Waiting for HIM would mean HE DOESNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR PAST BOYFRIENDS. Trust me when I say, not matter how nonchalant he is about your EXs or what you and your EX (Exs if many) did in the past, there will be points in your relationship that he will ask, "Was I the first to do this to you?" or "Was I the first to give this to you?" and when you say No, trust me, you will see a very very disappointed look in you man. And we wouldnt want our man to be disappointed, would we?

5. Waiting for HIM makes us put our focus more on the One who authors the best relationships - GOD. It is a better way to spend your time and your energy on a relationship with God than a relationship with any man who isnt your God's best yet. Seek the Creator, not the creation.

6. Waiting for HIM spares you from ALL THE JERKS OUT THERE. And yes, there are many of them! Those who will pursue you just to get you to bed, those that will pursue you because they just want someone to show to his friends and to everyone, and worst, there are those that WILL NOT EVEN PURSUE YOU yet you fell for them because you are longing for love the wrong way.

So you want to have the best love story without any hindrances because of the past? because of you being impatient? Well, WAIT UPON THE LORD. He is the sole PURSUER of your heart and soul because He knows you better than all the guys out there. WAIT UPON HIM TO WRITE YOUR LOVE STORY. It saddens me to see women falling for the wrong sorts of guys, and being impatient and all, gives in to whatever the guy wants. Worst is when I see someone who is empty and void of a lovelife because her ex left her and now he has found another and there she goes, falling for any guy who is there at the right place at the right time. Trust me, unless these girls really practice what they preach and would really know how to wait upon God, they wouldnt go liking and flirting with guys whom they know are not yet even their God's best. Ladies, I've been there and I've done a lot of those things.If I can only turn back time, I would have corrected every wrong turn just so I can wait upon the Lord and wait for Him to bring me Jeremy. But I can never undo the past. My hope is that my past experience can help girls and ladies to turn the other way and spare themselves of everything that I have experienced. LADIES, I URGE YOU TO WAIT AND WAIT PATIENTLY. WAIT FOR GOD TO TELL YOU IN BOLD AND CLEAR WAYS WITH HIS WORD THAT THE GUY IS YOUR GOD'S BEST. IF YOU DONT RELY ON GOD, YOU WILL JUST END UP GETTING YOU HEART BROKEN YET AGAIN.

to you, you know who you are. if you happen to be reading every blog that i posted then you know that im speaking to you. please, trust me when i say, i dont want you to have another heartbreak. spare yourself. you've had enough pain from a guy who did not even love you as much as you have loved him. the guy God had created to be yours will love you more than you love him. and he will pursue you. it should be like that. it should have been like that always. let the guy pursue God, your Father, first before he pursues you. do not fall for any guy who happens to be like this and like that and he charms you with this and that. or for any guy who's there at the exact moment you need a boyfriend. i pray that your heart will heal. i pray that one day, you will really be happy with the one God had created to be yours just as I am happy with the one God had created to be mine because he first pursued God before he pursued me. Be pursued. Be loved. More than the love you should feel for the person. BUT LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.

                                                                  (photo from google)

something circular and silver with something shiny

3 months have now passed since the day i said "Of course i'll be your girlfriend!". back then, i've been so sure that the man asking me to be his girlfriend is the one God had prepared to be my husband. dont get me wrong. im still so sure until today that he is THE ONE. but something's just bothering me. something that's itching in my brain. it started when, out of the blue, he popped a ring in front of me. no, he said it's not yet THE diamond engagement ring. he still doesnt have the money to buy me the engagement ring cut he knows i want. how did he know? he asked God. just like how he knew what to give me for my birthday. but nonetheless, it's as good as THE RING. it's a single stone that looks like a diamond set in silver. and he placed it in my left ring finger. i should be happy right? i am. i just happened to have this itch in my brain i cannot remove.

what bothers me isn't in any way about him. i know and i'm sure that God had created him to be mine. what bothers me is something about me. the ring got me nervous. i know i shouldnt be because i've been praying to God about this, about me getting married. i've been dreaming of that day ever since i can remember. but through the years, little miss hopeless romantic got herself bruised, hurt and scathed. she metamorphed from little miss hopeless romantic to little miss independent, little-miss-stubborn-wont-ever-submit-to-my-husband girl. i've seen many women be like that. growing up, i learned how strong my mom is. stronger that my dad. i guess the role models i had when i was a kid werent really submissive women but strong independent women who takes charge of their lives. and i know I WAS like that. until i came to the know the notion of SUBMISSION. Ephesians 5:22 says "Wives, submit to your husband as to the Lord." SUBMIT. Submission to authority, someone God placed in your life to be followed. Trust me, I dont know the word SUBMIT. I've always been the stubborn one, trying to evade all kinds of rules created by any authoritative figure. I've had trouble submitting to my parents, to the professors i've had whom i know wont teach me something i dont know yet (trust me i had professors whose lessons i already i know even before i attended their classes. blame my intel i7 brain for storing as much info in it while i was still a kid) and to my past boyfriends. my strong personality (my mom would correct me and say, very strong personality) would always intimidate the weak and i would come off as an arrogant selfish bitch who thinks so highly of herself because she's got everything a girl can ever ask for. i wasnt created to SUBMIT. or so i thought...

until he came. one of the things he asked me when he came back from his mission trip to China was about submission. he asked me to ask myself if i can see myself submitting to his authority. it was a question i have to ask myself first before i say i'll be his girlfriend. did i ask myself the question? i did. and i said to myself, "he is the one man i can submit to and see myself submitting to everyday for the rest of my life." so i did tell him, "Yes, I can."

what happened to little miss independent? she vanished. went for a trip to timbuktu and never came back. or so i thought. there are days when she would seem to call via skype and make her presence felt. in those days, i know he struggles to understand me and to be patient to me. and i know he's already on the verge of giving up, holding on only by God's grace. you see, it's not easy understanding little miss independent. she defends like a lawyer (having been close to a granddad who's one), she argues like a debater (having been one herself), justifies herself like a brat, and rolls her eyes at him everytime she's freakin' mad. but despite of that, here he was, popping something circular and silver with something shiny on it to that little miss independent girl. now little miss independent was glad for it. she was happy to see that something circular be put into her finger but at the back of her mind, a voice whispers, "are you sure you're ready?"

am i ready? months ago, I AM!

what happened? why so suddenly, a voice whispers and asked me if im really sure im ready? is it just an echo of a fear inside me, a fear of committing to forever? or, as some people would say, maybe i'm just having cold feet.

am i? i asked myself. wait let me rephrase that. i've been asking that to myself for days now. it's an itch in my head i cannot remove. and as i type this blog, that something circular keeps glistening in front of me, in my hand. am i just afraid of submitting or is it something deeper? as i caught sight of the shiny object, a distant memory popped into my brain. it was the memory of me crying, sitting in the living room, listening to my parents argue upstairs as sounds of cabinets and drawers being opened and banged resound inside the house. that was the last night i would see the two of them together. that night, God's happy little princess changed. something dark enveloped her, a black cloud hiding her heart to the world. and through the years, there were only a handful of people who was able to really penetrate that black cloud. and he was one of those. would i really marry this man? i know i will. there's no question in that. it is God-ordained. it's been pre-planned by the One powerful enough to create the universe from nothing but words. His words. but am i really ready to start forever with this man knowing that there is still that black cloud enveloping my heart? is it really time to start planning my life ahead when i know that something in my past should be settled first with the people who gave me my first major heartbreak? am i really ready to be married when a failed marriage haunts my future, and the future of my kids?

i want to talk to them together. my mom and my dad, that is. but getting them within 6 feet from each other already makes the earth we stand in to shake like a magnitude 8. worst than the tsunami that hit japan. they never really separated in good terms. so getting them to sit in one room to listen to me will be next to impossible. my relationship with God tells me that there is nothing impossible with the God i serve but my pessimistic side tells me it is already a lost cause. what to do, what to do? should i barge into my dad's house and drag him to my mom's house and force the two of them to sit down and listen? oh and while im on it, i should lock the gates and keep the key to myself so that they cannot leave until they listen to me right? but stone, they say, cannot be broken with force. what breaks a stone is the continuous drops of water. see my dilemma? an impatient girl thinking of ways to break stone by patience. ironic isnt it?

back to that something circular and silver. deep down, i know the real problem i have is not the fear of commitment that the ring imposes. but its the fear of repeating one generation's mistake and passing it down to my future kids. it's not the ring per se. it's my heart that's giving me the problem. my heart thats trying so hard to break the black cloud so badly. but i guess im doing it all wrong. breaking that cloud might not be by my own strength but by the grace of God and the knowledge that with Him, with Jesus, nothing is impossible.

                            (photo from google, its the closest thing i can find to what he gave me)