The Proverbs 31 Woman

Proverbs 31:10-31 Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

 ^{10 [b]}A wife of noble character who can find?
   She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
   and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
   all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
   and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
   bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
   she provides food for her family
   and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
   out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
   her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
   and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
   and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
   and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
   for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
   she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
   where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
   and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
   she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
   and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
   and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
   her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
   and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Now, tell me, can we find someone who is all this and more?

I was reading the book Captivating these past few days and a certain part of the book spoke to me. "Like we said, you'd have to conclude that a godly woman is...tired. And guilty. We are all living in the shadow of that infamous icon, "The Proverbs 31 Woman" whose life is so busy I wonder, when does she have time for friendships, for taking walks, or reading good books? Her light never goes out at night? When does she have sex? Somehow, she has sanctified the shame most women live under, biblical proof that yet again we don't measure up."

And it all dawned on me. Remember a few blogs ago, I wrote "I'm tired."? Why was I tired? The realization hit me as hard as if stone was thrown at me to wake me up from the slumber I was in. I WAS TRYING TO BE HER. Her, meaning The Proverbs 31 Woman. Ever since God revealed to me that my God's best is a pastor/going to be a pastor, I was just pressured too much to the point that I ran away from His will, then when I couldnt run anymore, I decided to face my future head on and tried to be like her. Well, I'm going to tell you, I always as in ALWAYS fell short of who she is. I even got someone questioning my maturity as a Christian. I even got a comment that I dont fit the part of becoming a Pastor's wife. I dont fit the part. Nice. Did it hurt? Yeah it did! Imagine, hearing from mature Christians that i dont fit the part of becoming a pastor's wife and that my faith maturity is questionable. It hurt my heart and it busted my ego. For someone who never really wanted to be a pastor's wife, I didnt need that. I did not deserve being told that. Because in the first place, I NEVER dreamt or wanted to be a pastor's wife. Other Christian girls dream of becoming a Pastor's wife. But not me. All I ever wanted is to be married to my God's best, the one i've been praying to God for. Until one night last June 2010, I found myself asking God, "who do you want for me?" the answer i got - 1 Timothy 3:1-7 Overseers and Deacons. My reaction? "NOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, please I dont want a pastor! I dont want to be a pastor's wife! *sobbing*"

Then i met Jeremy. When he laid his intentions to me, intentions of pursuing me and marrying me, he told me this - "I know you've been running away from something that God wants for your life so before you say yes to me, I want you to know that I have a calling to be a Pastor." Boom! Heaven was just a few meters away when i plummeted down to earth again, because someone clipped my wings. Would I say no just because he's going to be a pastor and if i marry him, it would make me something i never really wanted, or should i say nearly resented? Torn between my desire to finally be with my God's best and running away from the responsibilities and pressure of being a pastor's wife, I opted to forego my "resentment" for the "position" in His kingdom and chose to say yes.

Since that day, I tried to be all that a pastor's wife should be. Or atleast all that I think a pastor's wife is. They are sweet, helpful, busy with church and church activities, disciplined, composed, meek, gentle, motherly, and all the positive adjectives that should accompany one. But I would always fall short of all of those things. All my actions are either too much or wrong. Once, i blogged my heart out and decided to sort out the rumors circulating about me, Jeremy and his ex, and boy I tell you, there are people who called it "uncalled for". That the actions, the words, dont fit that of a Pastor's wife. That night after learning about those comments, i couldnt help but break down. Mind you, I was on the way home commuting with Jeremy when I couldnt stop the tears from coming. Was it too much to say what's been boiling inside me for 3 months already? I kept asking that to myself. That night, when I couldnt hold it anymore, I ranted to God. I told Him, "I never wanted to be a pastor's wife! It's what You want for me! Now why am i being persecuted like this? Just because I dont fit the part? And they ex fits the part of being a Pastor's wife???? I never asked this from You. Why????" Don't get me wrong. I wasnt mad at God. I was just so hurt I couldnt hold the pain any longer. I couldnt remember the word He gave me that night. All I can remember was, when I couldnt breathe anymore because of crying, something warm enveloped my body and i felt something like a cold touch on my cheek. I was being held by God. with all of my rants, my pain, and my tears, God went down from His throne to comfort me - the "immature" Christian who's being questioned by mature ones.

Last night, I asked Him after reading that part (see first paragraph) from Captivating, "Do I really have to be like her in order for me to be Jeremy's wife? Do i really have to be all that? Do i really have to pressure myself to be "the pastor's wife"?" I got my answer as I was "leading" my Victory group. I found myself blurting out something that wasnt on my notes, nor was what I spoke of something that I have grasped before I started sharing. I said, "We dont have to be The Proverbs 31 woman in order to be loved by God. You just have to be a better You. A better Gillian. If all you'll do is to meet that standard that the church and the bible has set in Proverbs 31, we all would fall short of her. All that God ask is a better us."

A better ME. Not The Proverbs 31 woman, but a better Gillian who's fruits of the Holy Spirit are still intact, her personality and character maturing each day, her faith and love overflowing. Because even though I will fall short of the Proverbs 31 Woman, I know my God up there loves me unconditionally flaws and all, and my man down here loves and accepts me for who i am, who i will be and who i wont be.