tonight, i found myself listening to this memorable song that someone sang to me while he was waiting for his flight to doha for a gig. tonight it was raining so hard, just like the first night we went on a date. or should i say, just like most of our dates.
while i said in one of my older blogs that i wont blog about him anymore, pardon me in doing so. yes, this is another blog wherein i mentioned my goliath. or should i say, it is about the song he sang for me and thoughts about relationships related to the song.
the song is tagalog in language. it's title means sleepyhead. i can still remember it clearly. it was june 9, 2009 and he was in the airport, waiting for the whole band to arrive for their scheduled flight bound for doha. he asked me if he can just sing me the song over the phone, before he leaves. i said yes and indeed, he sang me my favorite part of the song. just to give you an idea, here's the lyrics of the song:
iniwan ka na ng eroplano
okay lang baby wag kang magbago
dito ka lang humimbing sa aking piling
antukin
kukupkupin na lang kita
sorry wala ka ng magagawa
mahalin mo na lang ako ng sobra sobra
para patas naman tayo diba
(chorus)sasalubungin natin ang kinabukasan
ng walang takot at walang pangamba
tadhana'y merong trip na makapangyarihan
kung ayaw may dahilan
kung gusto palaging merong paraan
pinaiyak ka ng manghuhula
hindi na raw tayo magkasamang tatanda
buti na lang merong langit na nagtatanggol sa
pag-ibig na pursigido't matiyaga
(chorus)
long as we stand as one
ano man ang ating makabangga
nothing will ever break us
wala talaga as in wala
(chorus)
kung gusto, hahalikan na lang natin
ang kinabukasan ng buong loob
at yayakapin pa
tadhana'y mejo overrated kung minsan
kung ayaw may dahilan
kung gusto palaging merong paraan
gumawa na lang tayo ng paraan
gumawa na lang tayo ng... (baby)
gumawa na lang tayo ng paraan.
the song caught my ears and attention today because it got me thinking of its lines "kung ayaw may dahilan kung gusto palaging merong paraan". let me relate it to relationships. if the person wants to stay, he will stay right? he will move heaven and hell just to stay with you and he will do everything to make you stay as well. but if the person does not want to stay anymore, we cannot move heaven and hell just to make him stay. he will always have a reason to leave and we cannot contend with those reasons.
but what if, just what if, he wanted to stay but there is a being bigger and greater and mightier than him who wants him to stay... AWAY. what if, him leaving wasnt of his own volition but a command from the One who created him... and you. what if it was God, with all His power, might and love for the two of you, who told him, "Son, leave her alone. Leave her in My hands and trust My plans for both of your lives.". would you get mad at God or would you get mad at him?
i did. i got mad at the guy and i made "tampo" to God. pardon me using the tagalog word, it's just that there is no english word that would really suffice for what i meant to say. but then something dawned on me. i got mad at him and blamed him for leaving me but there is always two sides of the coin. i should be mad at myself also.
when i was feeling resentment towards the person, did i ever stop to think all these would not happen had i asked for God's wisdom and discernment? all would have not happened had i waited for God's promise in my life and for my God's best?
most of the time, we only blame the other party for the heartaches they caused us. we dont even stop to think that we too have a part in all of it. yes, they chose to leave us. but we too have a part in the decision they took. it could be because we were already too much to handle, too emotional, too jealous, too immature. too much. or it could be because, it was never really meant to be and we should have seen that right before we even started having feelings for them.
so yes, i may have felt resentment back then for that guy who left without a word of explanation but i too should have felt resentment towards myself for allowing things to happen without being guided by God.
i can never stress this enough. it is important to wait for that one person God has made for you. aside from us being spared emotional pain, we also spare the other party from making painful decisions in their lives. and we also spare their future spouses the emotional pain of having to deal with ex's who wont and cant move on.
moving on: "kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto palaging merong paraan." if we really want to move on, we will. because we want to. when we say im having a hard time moving on, that's because a part of us does not want to. we always have reasons like, "I cant move on because we were together for too long" or "i cant move on because i believe he loved me and he still loves me." REASONS. kung ayaw may dahilan... maraming dahilan.
to you Antukin, i hope you have already found the one. :D
<3 4 <3
Yani's Canaan... blogs and stories about God, Relationships, Life and Love.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
in anger and bitterness, turn to God
i was at home today, waiting for my storyboard to be sent via email when i decided to go open my blogsite and check my stats. while i was checking my stats, i found myself wanting to blog. mind you, i have a blog ready to be uploaded but it feels like it's not yet the one i want to publish.
then i was reminded of how i felt last night. i was angry. blame it on the spirits of anger living in my house or blame it on my heart but the bottomline is, i got angry. i wouldnt go into details and person involved but nonetheless, this is a continuation of a past offense, a new one that adds insult to injury. it seems like as days pass, the person seems to add more insult to injury for me and Jeremy. what hurts the most is that lies were uttered right in my face and more lies where being said to different people that surrounds us. forgiven? yes the person was already forgiven. everyday is a struggle to forgive the person but by God's grace it was possible.
but last night, the anger rose up again. i asked God to show me why anger rises up everytime the person does something to irritate me. and here is what He told me:
1. James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Since He already made me His daughter and disciple, i must develop my character. I must persever and endure trials and persecution because no disciple lives in a comfortable safe zone. We live in a world east of Eden. but what makes it easier to live in the fallen world is that we know that God's grace is always available for us.
2. God is teaching me to lower some expectations I have. Most people are not like me and that person definitely isnt like me. I dont do things that the person does and these are the things that offends me. And since I dont do those things, I expected most of the time that others wont do it too. But we are all a work in progress and we were created differently.
3. "I am still working in you and I am working in that person's life as well."
God works in everyone's life, tweaking attitudes that need to be tweaked and I tell you there are a lot of things that needs to be tweaked in my life. But I was comforted with the fact that God is tweaking that certain aspect of that person's life as well. He is not yet done teaching that person a lesson. He is teaching that person OBEDIENCE and LISTENING.
"Make sure that when you PRAY, you also know how to LISTEN to God."
4. "Leave VINDICATION to me."
"This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their VINDICATION from ME." declares the Lord. - Isaiah 54:17
I wanted to lash out, to tell that person right smack in the face that I am mad and furious at what was said and what happened but God reminded me that VINDICATION is His and not mine.
5. "What God has opened, no man can close."
Who is the author of my relationship? It's God. So whoever wants to destroy my relationship with Jeremy is answerable to God. Whoever says things against us will be refuted by God for He is the one who wrote our love story. I dont need to refute any tongue who accuses us of things because God will do it for me. According to Jeremy, "ang bumangga, giba!".
what struck me the most from my talk with God was this, "When we pray, we must also listen." Yes, God hears us and He wants to answer every prayer that we have. But do we ask ourselves, do we pray for the right things? or do we pray for the ones that are not included in His will? When we pray, do we really hear HIS answer or do we hear the answers according to OUR HEARTS' DESIRES? Sadly, there are people who are supposedly walking in His light, walking as His disciple but they are having a hard time LISTENING to God and OBEYING Him especially if it involves their hearts' desires.
I hope the next time that that person prays, LISTENING should be present. and OBEDIENCE too.
(photo from google)
<3
then i was reminded of how i felt last night. i was angry. blame it on the spirits of anger living in my house or blame it on my heart but the bottomline is, i got angry. i wouldnt go into details and person involved but nonetheless, this is a continuation of a past offense, a new one that adds insult to injury. it seems like as days pass, the person seems to add more insult to injury for me and Jeremy. what hurts the most is that lies were uttered right in my face and more lies where being said to different people that surrounds us. forgiven? yes the person was already forgiven. everyday is a struggle to forgive the person but by God's grace it was possible.
but last night, the anger rose up again. i asked God to show me why anger rises up everytime the person does something to irritate me. and here is what He told me:
1. James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Since He already made me His daughter and disciple, i must develop my character. I must persever and endure trials and persecution because no disciple lives in a comfortable safe zone. We live in a world east of Eden. but what makes it easier to live in the fallen world is that we know that God's grace is always available for us.
2. God is teaching me to lower some expectations I have. Most people are not like me and that person definitely isnt like me. I dont do things that the person does and these are the things that offends me. And since I dont do those things, I expected most of the time that others wont do it too. But we are all a work in progress and we were created differently.
3. "I am still working in you and I am working in that person's life as well."
God works in everyone's life, tweaking attitudes that need to be tweaked and I tell you there are a lot of things that needs to be tweaked in my life. But I was comforted with the fact that God is tweaking that certain aspect of that person's life as well. He is not yet done teaching that person a lesson. He is teaching that person OBEDIENCE and LISTENING.
"Make sure that when you PRAY, you also know how to LISTEN to God."
4. "Leave VINDICATION to me."
"This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their VINDICATION from ME." declares the Lord. - Isaiah 54:17
I wanted to lash out, to tell that person right smack in the face that I am mad and furious at what was said and what happened but God reminded me that VINDICATION is His and not mine.
5. "What God has opened, no man can close."
Who is the author of my relationship? It's God. So whoever wants to destroy my relationship with Jeremy is answerable to God. Whoever says things against us will be refuted by God for He is the one who wrote our love story. I dont need to refute any tongue who accuses us of things because God will do it for me. According to Jeremy, "ang bumangga, giba!".
what struck me the most from my talk with God was this, "When we pray, we must also listen." Yes, God hears us and He wants to answer every prayer that we have. But do we ask ourselves, do we pray for the right things? or do we pray for the ones that are not included in His will? When we pray, do we really hear HIS answer or do we hear the answers according to OUR HEARTS' DESIRES? Sadly, there are people who are supposedly walking in His light, walking as His disciple but they are having a hard time LISTENING to God and OBEYING Him especially if it involves their hearts' desires.
I hope the next time that that person prays, LISTENING should be present. and OBEDIENCE too.
<3
Thursday, June 16, 2011
shooting for a star ( a short story)
fiction is always the product of our imagination. but sometimes, there are fictional characters that are closer to our hearts than any other characters we have created in our head because they are, at some point in our lives, were part of who we were or they were a part of the past. and as i was searching for my old manuscripts and literary works, i came across a short story i wrote way back in high school, those times i would hide in lockers whenever this certain smile would light up the room i was in. it was a story of a girl who fell in love with a shy smile only to get her heart broken because the guy would not even look twice at her. or so she thought. thus, after reading that story i wrote, i was inspired to write another.
a continuation, a bridge.
---------
Shooting for a star
by: Gillian Hero Guerrero-Angeles
The rain kept on pouring the whole afternoon and my mind's going more restless by the minute. The stormy season was just starting at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, I was a completely different man. Two weeks ago, the concept of love and commitment was as far-fetched as surviving on another planet aside from the earth. But it all changed when I saw her again...
---
(Two weeks ago)
I was on my way to my usual gym routine when I passed by this quaint chapel located near a commercial district in Libis. I don't know why I stopped but I did and moments later, I found myself kneeling down one of the pews and looking at the cross on the altar. A few minutes passed and a tiny little voice inside me asked an audible question. "What is your heart's greatest desire?" Whoa! Where did that question come from? I already have what most people my generation are envious of. Fame, money, girls. I am in my own right a famous celebrity though not as famous as Dingdong Dantes or Piolo Pascual but I already have a number of female and gay fans admiring my physique. I have tv guestings here and there, an evening soap opera that's getting a fair share of the viewers pie, and a late night travel/extreme sports show. I don't need anything else. Well, maybe there's one. A Porsche Carrera. Aside from that I don't think I need anything else.
As I was about to get up, a girl passed by and sat two pews ahead. Something about her caught my attention and as I took a second look, my heart skipped a beat. I know that long curly hair too well. I've stared at that back all too many times way back in high school. Tall, slender, Snow white skin, charming, sweet, bubbly, graceful, sports-minded, brainy, beautiful, perfect. "Could it be really her? Here? Now?", I asked myself. Debating whether or not to approach her, I stood up and found myself rooted on the spot. I could not move. Memories of a high school crush came flooding in. Memories that would tell a number of failed attempts to ask her out despite me being a ladies' man. Memories that would speak of too many stolen glances in between breaks, my basketball practices, her dance rehearsals and school programs.
When I finally mustered the courage to approach her, she was already up and ready to go. Telling myself that it's now or never, I called out her name. "Carla!" I said as I made my way towards her. Despite her startled look, I could not help but notice how beautiful she still look after four years. "Hi Yuan! Glad you still remember me.", she said, flashing those pearly whites. God! She still has that charming smile I love staring at. "Of course! Why wouldn't I remember you?", I answered back. "Well, most of our schoolmates say you don't remember them anymore once you became a celebrity." How can I forget her? I will forget everyone from my batch but I will never forget her. Never. But I couldn't tell her that. "Of course I remember you. And your dad." I said, smilingly sheepishly at her. Her dad was the school basketball team's coach. My former coach. And the first time I saw her, she was shooting hoops with her dad as I entered the school gym for basketball practice. Mind you, I've never seen a girl as beautiful as her who can shoot killer three's. "I was thinking -", I was saying when I was interrupted by the faint sound of her phone ringing. "Yes, I'm done. *pause* Alright I'll see you at the entrance. Bye." I heard her say on the phone. As soon as she ended the call, she turned to me and said, "It was nice running into you but I have to go. I'll tell Dad you said Hi." "Please do. Tell him I miss playing ball with him." She smiled. "Bye Yuan.", she said as she walked pass me. My eyes followed every step she took away from me, and my heart retraced every step I took way back in high school to get to know her better. She stopped and waved back as soon as she reached the chapel's entrance and I saw a black car stop in front of her. She got in, lowered her window and smiled at me as the car started to leave.
I was mesmerized. I felt like the young boy again stealing glances at her in school. Or that basketball player looking for her among the crowd watching our intercollegiate games. But wait! I forgot to get her number! "Stupid!", I told myself. Of all the things to forget! "Stupid Yuan! Stupid!" Feeling defeated, I started to walk towards my car, still calling myself stupid for not asking for her number.
Gym time was over but I felt like I wasn't able to do a nice routine today. My mind kept going back to the conversation that took place inside that small chapel. As soon as I got inside my car, not even bothering to leave the parking space, I called one of my former basketball team mate. "Hey John how are you? *pause* Well, I actually have a favor to ask. Do you happen to know Coach Richard's number? *pause* Cool! Can you send it to me? *pause* Thanks dude!" Finally! I got a way to know her number.
Business card received. Coach Richard. Right then and there, I dialed the number and waited nervously as the phone rang. "Hello?", the voice at the other end said. "Coach Richard! This is Yuan!", I answered. "Yuan Co? My star basketball player? Is this really you?" I smiled at the mention of star player. "Yes Coach this is really me. How have you been?" A short pause followed my question. "Are you really asking about me or about me daughter? She told me she bumped into you earlier today.", Coach Richard asked. I was speechless for a moment until I finally answered, "Well, would you hate me if I say I really wanted to get your daughter's number?" Coach Richard laughed at my answer. "Well kiddo, I'm glad you finally had the courage to ask for it! It's been years! We've all been waiting for it. Me and the whole basketball team. Wait, let me correct that. Me and the whole school." I was shocked. "What???!!!! Everyone's been waiting for me to get Carla's number? But why?" "Well, we've all known you like her. We all saw the stolen glances, the look of longing in your eyes whenever she would enter the gym, and all those searching for someone in the bleachers whenever we have a ball game. We weren't blind Yuan. We knew. And I may have not encouraged you back then because of your reputation as a ladies' man, but given the circumstances right not, I think I'll give you more than just her number. Do you still know how to get to our house?" How can I forget, I thought. I've memorized their address and how to get there in the hopes that someday, I would get the chance to pick her up from their house, bring her out to a romantic date, and get her home on time for her curfew. But it never happened. "I think so Coach. Or I can Google maps the way.", I lied. "Okay, if you say so. Be here tomorrow for lunch. Bye." Wow! God must be on my side! Lunch at their house? Is this really happening? I wanted to punch myself just to check if I'm dreaming or not. Well maybe if I wasn't driving I would have done so.
When I got home, I searched for the basketball team championship photo I kept. It was the only championship photo I kept and treasured all these years. It wasn't because it was the most memorable championship but because it was the only championship photo that Carla took for the school paper. I found it hidden among the basketball team memorabilia that my mom hid in a box she placed inside my cabinet. On top of it was the jersey I was planning to give to her after the victory party hosted by the school. I never got the chance to do so because she wasn't around that night. She was sick according to her dad. As I stare at the photo, I couldn't help but notice how I was smiling from ear to ear, which wasn't my usual smile whenever the photo's for the school paper. I would usually have a stern, suplado look in school because too many girls would always try to catch my attention in various traumatic ways. Most girls in school. But not Carla. Maybe that was the reason I was so smitten by her. She's so different from all the girls I've seen. As I continue staring at the photo, I still could not believe the revelation I got that night. The whole team knew. Coach Richard knew. The whole school knew. I don't know if I should be pissed about it or the fact that everybody knew except Carla.
Early the following day, I got up, dressed well for the occasion, and drove to her place. On the way to her house, I passed by a flower shop to get her a bouquet of flowers. Her favorite, pink roses. I hope she'll like it. When I got to her place, I found her shooting hoops. I was amazed. Years passed and her killer three's can still take my breath away. "Can I try my hand in shooting?", I shouted as I approach her. She turned my way and was surprised to see me at their yard. "Oh! It's you! The star basketball player.", she answered. I smiled. "Are you going to hand me those flowers or are they for my dad?", she teasingly said. "Why of course it's for your dad. I kinda took a liking for him when he was my coach.", I joked back. She laughed. Oh my! That laugh sounded like music to my ears. "It's for you actually. I was just kidding.", I said shyly, handing her the flowers. She smiled as she received the flowers. "Thank you. Is this just a lucky guess or you really did research on what my favorite flower is?" I turned beet red. I can feel that I did. Nervously dribbling the ball she handed me a while ago, I avoided her eyes and said, "It was just luck I guess." Oh boy! How can I tell her I know more than just her favorite flowers without sounding like a stalker? Thank heavens, her father went out to join us in the yard. If it weren't for his dad I would have melted right at that spot. I was already wishing the earth would swallow me up right that moment she asked about my choice of flowers. "Hey lovebirds, it's time for lunch.", Coach Richard said, putting an arm around Carla. "Dad! That's not the right way to welcome visitors.", she said while she nudged him at the rib. "Hi Coach! Thanks for inviting me for lunch.", I said. He winked back as we started walking towards the house. Lunch was great though Coach Richard would not let me go off the hook without stories of how I was back then. He even mentioned that I really really liked this girl back in high school but I never got the courage to ask her out. Talk about being on the hot seat. Carla however was quiet over lunch as she ate her "special diet" of veggies and grilled fish. When I asked them about this, they said it's just her preference. She smiled weakly at me and said, "I've gone vegan for some reason."
---
Three days after that lunch I had at their house, I dropped by their house after one of my show's taping to give her a basket of fresh organic veggies. She was already asleep when I reached her house. Coach Richard received it for her. "Son, thank you very much. You don't know how much this will mean to her. But let me just say, I hope you don't get your heart broken.", he said as I got inside my car. I was puzzled. All the way from their house in Mandaluyong to my place in Tandang Sora, I couldn't help but think of Coach Richard's parting words. Why will I get my heart broken? Could it be that she does not like me at all? Or maybe, she's already in a relationship with someone else? Questions flooded my mind but the answers wouldn't come.
The following day, I decided to pass by her house first before I go to my scheduled taping. I found her sitting at a bench inside their yard, reading a book. "Hi!", I called to her. She looked up, surprised to see me there so early. "Oh hi! Thanks for the veggies by the way." "Glad you liked them. Can I sit beside you?" "Of course.", she smiled. "What are you reading?", I asked. "Oh, it's just a medical book explaining about Leukemia and chemotherapy." Leukemia? Chemotherapy? Why would she be reading a book about it when she wasn't a med student? As far as I know, she graduated with a degree in Advertising. "Are you planning on studying medicine?", I asked. She just smiled at me and went back to reading the book. After a while, she asked me, "Don't you have work today?" "Actually I have. I just wanted to spend some time here before I go to the location of my taping. I'll be gone for 3 days.", I said. I would rather spend time there than go to work actually. But I cannot tell her that. She smiled weakly at me, that same smile she gave me when she told me she had gone vegan. "Oh. You take care then. By the way, you can stay here as long as you want. But I have to go back inside. I feel tired already. Must be because of the medicines they made me took this morning. Bye Yuan." She stood up, went inside with the book she was reading, leaving me to ponder on things. First, her dad's puzzling statement the night before, then the book she was reading, and finally, she mentioned medicines. After a few minutes, I got up and went to my car, starting the drive towards my location shoot south of the Metro.
---
As soon as I got back to the Metro after my three-day location shoot, I decided to call Coach Richard. Three days of being away did not keep my mind off of the things that involve Carla. "Are you back in Manila?", was the first thing the Coach said to me when he answered his phone. "Yes Coach I am. Is there something wrong?", I nervously asked. "Get here as fast as you can. We're at Med City.", he answered. Not bothering to ask why, I ended the call and drove as fast as I can to Ortigas. Oh God, could it be Carla? What happened to her? Please God do not let it be her, I prayed. When I got there, I was informed that she was brought to the emergency room. As soon as I reached the emergency room, I saw Coach Richard in a seat nearby, with his face buried deep in his hands. "Coach?", I called out to him. He looked up and thanked me for being there. "Is it Carla? What happened?", I asked. "This morning, she did not respond to her medicines. She kept on vomiting all morning." "Medicine? Why? What's her illness?" "She was diagnosed with leukemia 5 months ago. She's been on chemo for 4 months now." Everything around me slowed down as I heard those words. It couldn't be. She couldn't be so sick. The doctor emerged from the ER and approached Coach Richard. "Sir, she's stable now. We sedated her and gave her an IV. We're moving her to a room. You can see her once we've already placed her in her private room. But I must admit, I'm worried about her response to chemotherapy. I'm afraid, we have to pray harder for her to survive. But we will do everything", the doctor said. As soon as I heard the phrase I'm afraid, I ran. As soon as I reached my car, I drove blinded by the tears that kept coming in my eyes. No! It couldn't be true. She's not sick. I don't know where I was going but I continued driving. I was surprised to see myself in front of the chapel where I first saw her again a few days ago. I got out of my car, went inside the chapel and tearfully said, "Why her God? Why her???! Why bring her back to my life only to get her back??! Answer me!" As I knelt down, the tears would not stop from flowing. I could not bear losing her, the girl of my dreams. For the first time in my life, I felt pain. I felt like my heart's breaking to a million pieces. Coach was right. He hoped I wouldn't get my heart broken. But here I am, in pain and hurting. As I was letting the tears flow from my eyes, a small voice inside me asked, "I asked You back then what is your heart's greatest desire. Are you ready to answer Me now?" Could it be God asking me that? "Oh God! Let her live please! That is what I desire most in this life. Just let her live and be strong again. I'll do everything to make her happy." Something warm enveloped me and the tears stopped falling. I got up, went to my car and drove back to the hospital. When I got to her room, she was still asleep. Not bothering to go home to get a fresh set of clothes, I stayed at the hospital, holding her hand as I fell asleep. In the middle of the night, I was awakened by a soft squeeze in my hand. "Hi.", she softly said. "Why are you here?", she asked. "I wanted to be here. To see you when you open your eyes.", I smiled, trying to hide my bloodshot eyes due to crying the whole night. "Thank you.", she said while reaching out to touch my cheek. "You know what, I have loved you for so long. I have loved you since high school.", she said. "Do you remember that day you tried-out for the basketball team? I was there. I saw you for the first time. And I fell in love with you that day." "Oh Carla!", was all I could say before the tears kept me from saying anything more. I just held her. I held her while memories of me stealing glances at her occupy my mind. "And I know you have loved me since high school too. I knew Yuan. Everybody knew.", she whispered. I reached over and kissed her on the forehead with everything that I've felt for her since that day I saw her shoot hoops nine years ago. It was an understatement to say that this girl in front of me, in a hospital bed with IV's and tubes attached to her, is the love of my life.
---
The rain kept on pouring the whole afternoon and my mind's going more restless by the minute. The stormy season was just starting at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, I was a completely different man. Two weeks ago, I wasn't so sure that love is for me. But here I am, waiting at this small chapel, waiting for the love of my life to walk down that aisle dressed in white. Gone are the playboy days of Yuan Co. Here and now, until forever, there is only one girl in my heart and mind. She's always been there. Carla, the girl of my dreams. My biggest high school crush. The one who brought me down on my knees to beg God to let her live. She only has six months to live according to the doctor but I know God can make miracles. He already did, that day He made our paths cross again in this same chapel.
(photo credit to original uploader in google)
a continuation, a bridge.
---------
Shooting for a star
by: Gillian Hero Guerrero-Angeles
The rain kept on pouring the whole afternoon and my mind's going more restless by the minute. The stormy season was just starting at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, I was a completely different man. Two weeks ago, the concept of love and commitment was as far-fetched as surviving on another planet aside from the earth. But it all changed when I saw her again...
---
(Two weeks ago)
I was on my way to my usual gym routine when I passed by this quaint chapel located near a commercial district in Libis. I don't know why I stopped but I did and moments later, I found myself kneeling down one of the pews and looking at the cross on the altar. A few minutes passed and a tiny little voice inside me asked an audible question. "What is your heart's greatest desire?" Whoa! Where did that question come from? I already have what most people my generation are envious of. Fame, money, girls. I am in my own right a famous celebrity though not as famous as Dingdong Dantes or Piolo Pascual but I already have a number of female and gay fans admiring my physique. I have tv guestings here and there, an evening soap opera that's getting a fair share of the viewers pie, and a late night travel/extreme sports show. I don't need anything else. Well, maybe there's one. A Porsche Carrera. Aside from that I don't think I need anything else.
As I was about to get up, a girl passed by and sat two pews ahead. Something about her caught my attention and as I took a second look, my heart skipped a beat. I know that long curly hair too well. I've stared at that back all too many times way back in high school. Tall, slender, Snow white skin, charming, sweet, bubbly, graceful, sports-minded, brainy, beautiful, perfect. "Could it be really her? Here? Now?", I asked myself. Debating whether or not to approach her, I stood up and found myself rooted on the spot. I could not move. Memories of a high school crush came flooding in. Memories that would tell a number of failed attempts to ask her out despite me being a ladies' man. Memories that would speak of too many stolen glances in between breaks, my basketball practices, her dance rehearsals and school programs.
When I finally mustered the courage to approach her, she was already up and ready to go. Telling myself that it's now or never, I called out her name. "Carla!" I said as I made my way towards her. Despite her startled look, I could not help but notice how beautiful she still look after four years. "Hi Yuan! Glad you still remember me.", she said, flashing those pearly whites. God! She still has that charming smile I love staring at. "Of course! Why wouldn't I remember you?", I answered back. "Well, most of our schoolmates say you don't remember them anymore once you became a celebrity." How can I forget her? I will forget everyone from my batch but I will never forget her. Never. But I couldn't tell her that. "Of course I remember you. And your dad." I said, smilingly sheepishly at her. Her dad was the school basketball team's coach. My former coach. And the first time I saw her, she was shooting hoops with her dad as I entered the school gym for basketball practice. Mind you, I've never seen a girl as beautiful as her who can shoot killer three's. "I was thinking -", I was saying when I was interrupted by the faint sound of her phone ringing. "Yes, I'm done. *pause* Alright I'll see you at the entrance. Bye." I heard her say on the phone. As soon as she ended the call, she turned to me and said, "It was nice running into you but I have to go. I'll tell Dad you said Hi." "Please do. Tell him I miss playing ball with him." She smiled. "Bye Yuan.", she said as she walked pass me. My eyes followed every step she took away from me, and my heart retraced every step I took way back in high school to get to know her better. She stopped and waved back as soon as she reached the chapel's entrance and I saw a black car stop in front of her. She got in, lowered her window and smiled at me as the car started to leave.
I was mesmerized. I felt like the young boy again stealing glances at her in school. Or that basketball player looking for her among the crowd watching our intercollegiate games. But wait! I forgot to get her number! "Stupid!", I told myself. Of all the things to forget! "Stupid Yuan! Stupid!" Feeling defeated, I started to walk towards my car, still calling myself stupid for not asking for her number.
Gym time was over but I felt like I wasn't able to do a nice routine today. My mind kept going back to the conversation that took place inside that small chapel. As soon as I got inside my car, not even bothering to leave the parking space, I called one of my former basketball team mate. "Hey John how are you? *pause* Well, I actually have a favor to ask. Do you happen to know Coach Richard's number? *pause* Cool! Can you send it to me? *pause* Thanks dude!" Finally! I got a way to know her number.
Business card received. Coach Richard. Right then and there, I dialed the number and waited nervously as the phone rang. "Hello?", the voice at the other end said. "Coach Richard! This is Yuan!", I answered. "Yuan Co? My star basketball player? Is this really you?" I smiled at the mention of star player. "Yes Coach this is really me. How have you been?" A short pause followed my question. "Are you really asking about me or about me daughter? She told me she bumped into you earlier today.", Coach Richard asked. I was speechless for a moment until I finally answered, "Well, would you hate me if I say I really wanted to get your daughter's number?" Coach Richard laughed at my answer. "Well kiddo, I'm glad you finally had the courage to ask for it! It's been years! We've all been waiting for it. Me and the whole basketball team. Wait, let me correct that. Me and the whole school." I was shocked. "What???!!!! Everyone's been waiting for me to get Carla's number? But why?" "Well, we've all known you like her. We all saw the stolen glances, the look of longing in your eyes whenever she would enter the gym, and all those searching for someone in the bleachers whenever we have a ball game. We weren't blind Yuan. We knew. And I may have not encouraged you back then because of your reputation as a ladies' man, but given the circumstances right not, I think I'll give you more than just her number. Do you still know how to get to our house?" How can I forget, I thought. I've memorized their address and how to get there in the hopes that someday, I would get the chance to pick her up from their house, bring her out to a romantic date, and get her home on time for her curfew. But it never happened. "I think so Coach. Or I can Google maps the way.", I lied. "Okay, if you say so. Be here tomorrow for lunch. Bye." Wow! God must be on my side! Lunch at their house? Is this really happening? I wanted to punch myself just to check if I'm dreaming or not. Well maybe if I wasn't driving I would have done so.
When I got home, I searched for the basketball team championship photo I kept. It was the only championship photo I kept and treasured all these years. It wasn't because it was the most memorable championship but because it was the only championship photo that Carla took for the school paper. I found it hidden among the basketball team memorabilia that my mom hid in a box she placed inside my cabinet. On top of it was the jersey I was planning to give to her after the victory party hosted by the school. I never got the chance to do so because she wasn't around that night. She was sick according to her dad. As I stare at the photo, I couldn't help but notice how I was smiling from ear to ear, which wasn't my usual smile whenever the photo's for the school paper. I would usually have a stern, suplado look in school because too many girls would always try to catch my attention in various traumatic ways. Most girls in school. But not Carla. Maybe that was the reason I was so smitten by her. She's so different from all the girls I've seen. As I continue staring at the photo, I still could not believe the revelation I got that night. The whole team knew. Coach Richard knew. The whole school knew. I don't know if I should be pissed about it or the fact that everybody knew except Carla.
Early the following day, I got up, dressed well for the occasion, and drove to her place. On the way to her house, I passed by a flower shop to get her a bouquet of flowers. Her favorite, pink roses. I hope she'll like it. When I got to her place, I found her shooting hoops. I was amazed. Years passed and her killer three's can still take my breath away. "Can I try my hand in shooting?", I shouted as I approach her. She turned my way and was surprised to see me at their yard. "Oh! It's you! The star basketball player.", she answered. I smiled. "Are you going to hand me those flowers or are they for my dad?", she teasingly said. "Why of course it's for your dad. I kinda took a liking for him when he was my coach.", I joked back. She laughed. Oh my! That laugh sounded like music to my ears. "It's for you actually. I was just kidding.", I said shyly, handing her the flowers. She smiled as she received the flowers. "Thank you. Is this just a lucky guess or you really did research on what my favorite flower is?" I turned beet red. I can feel that I did. Nervously dribbling the ball she handed me a while ago, I avoided her eyes and said, "It was just luck I guess." Oh boy! How can I tell her I know more than just her favorite flowers without sounding like a stalker? Thank heavens, her father went out to join us in the yard. If it weren't for his dad I would have melted right at that spot. I was already wishing the earth would swallow me up right that moment she asked about my choice of flowers. "Hey lovebirds, it's time for lunch.", Coach Richard said, putting an arm around Carla. "Dad! That's not the right way to welcome visitors.", she said while she nudged him at the rib. "Hi Coach! Thanks for inviting me for lunch.", I said. He winked back as we started walking towards the house. Lunch was great though Coach Richard would not let me go off the hook without stories of how I was back then. He even mentioned that I really really liked this girl back in high school but I never got the courage to ask her out. Talk about being on the hot seat. Carla however was quiet over lunch as she ate her "special diet" of veggies and grilled fish. When I asked them about this, they said it's just her preference. She smiled weakly at me and said, "I've gone vegan for some reason."
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Three days after that lunch I had at their house, I dropped by their house after one of my show's taping to give her a basket of fresh organic veggies. She was already asleep when I reached her house. Coach Richard received it for her. "Son, thank you very much. You don't know how much this will mean to her. But let me just say, I hope you don't get your heart broken.", he said as I got inside my car. I was puzzled. All the way from their house in Mandaluyong to my place in Tandang Sora, I couldn't help but think of Coach Richard's parting words. Why will I get my heart broken? Could it be that she does not like me at all? Or maybe, she's already in a relationship with someone else? Questions flooded my mind but the answers wouldn't come.
The following day, I decided to pass by her house first before I go to my scheduled taping. I found her sitting at a bench inside their yard, reading a book. "Hi!", I called to her. She looked up, surprised to see me there so early. "Oh hi! Thanks for the veggies by the way." "Glad you liked them. Can I sit beside you?" "Of course.", she smiled. "What are you reading?", I asked. "Oh, it's just a medical book explaining about Leukemia and chemotherapy." Leukemia? Chemotherapy? Why would she be reading a book about it when she wasn't a med student? As far as I know, she graduated with a degree in Advertising. "Are you planning on studying medicine?", I asked. She just smiled at me and went back to reading the book. After a while, she asked me, "Don't you have work today?" "Actually I have. I just wanted to spend some time here before I go to the location of my taping. I'll be gone for 3 days.", I said. I would rather spend time there than go to work actually. But I cannot tell her that. She smiled weakly at me, that same smile she gave me when she told me she had gone vegan. "Oh. You take care then. By the way, you can stay here as long as you want. But I have to go back inside. I feel tired already. Must be because of the medicines they made me took this morning. Bye Yuan." She stood up, went inside with the book she was reading, leaving me to ponder on things. First, her dad's puzzling statement the night before, then the book she was reading, and finally, she mentioned medicines. After a few minutes, I got up and went to my car, starting the drive towards my location shoot south of the Metro.
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As soon as I got back to the Metro after my three-day location shoot, I decided to call Coach Richard. Three days of being away did not keep my mind off of the things that involve Carla. "Are you back in Manila?", was the first thing the Coach said to me when he answered his phone. "Yes Coach I am. Is there something wrong?", I nervously asked. "Get here as fast as you can. We're at Med City.", he answered. Not bothering to ask why, I ended the call and drove as fast as I can to Ortigas. Oh God, could it be Carla? What happened to her? Please God do not let it be her, I prayed. When I got there, I was informed that she was brought to the emergency room. As soon as I reached the emergency room, I saw Coach Richard in a seat nearby, with his face buried deep in his hands. "Coach?", I called out to him. He looked up and thanked me for being there. "Is it Carla? What happened?", I asked. "This morning, she did not respond to her medicines. She kept on vomiting all morning." "Medicine? Why? What's her illness?" "She was diagnosed with leukemia 5 months ago. She's been on chemo for 4 months now." Everything around me slowed down as I heard those words. It couldn't be. She couldn't be so sick. The doctor emerged from the ER and approached Coach Richard. "Sir, she's stable now. We sedated her and gave her an IV. We're moving her to a room. You can see her once we've already placed her in her private room. But I must admit, I'm worried about her response to chemotherapy. I'm afraid, we have to pray harder for her to survive. But we will do everything", the doctor said. As soon as I heard the phrase I'm afraid, I ran. As soon as I reached my car, I drove blinded by the tears that kept coming in my eyes. No! It couldn't be true. She's not sick. I don't know where I was going but I continued driving. I was surprised to see myself in front of the chapel where I first saw her again a few days ago. I got out of my car, went inside the chapel and tearfully said, "Why her God? Why her???! Why bring her back to my life only to get her back??! Answer me!" As I knelt down, the tears would not stop from flowing. I could not bear losing her, the girl of my dreams. For the first time in my life, I felt pain. I felt like my heart's breaking to a million pieces. Coach was right. He hoped I wouldn't get my heart broken. But here I am, in pain and hurting. As I was letting the tears flow from my eyes, a small voice inside me asked, "I asked You back then what is your heart's greatest desire. Are you ready to answer Me now?" Could it be God asking me that? "Oh God! Let her live please! That is what I desire most in this life. Just let her live and be strong again. I'll do everything to make her happy." Something warm enveloped me and the tears stopped falling. I got up, went to my car and drove back to the hospital. When I got to her room, she was still asleep. Not bothering to go home to get a fresh set of clothes, I stayed at the hospital, holding her hand as I fell asleep. In the middle of the night, I was awakened by a soft squeeze in my hand. "Hi.", she softly said. "Why are you here?", she asked. "I wanted to be here. To see you when you open your eyes.", I smiled, trying to hide my bloodshot eyes due to crying the whole night. "Thank you.", she said while reaching out to touch my cheek. "You know what, I have loved you for so long. I have loved you since high school.", she said. "Do you remember that day you tried-out for the basketball team? I was there. I saw you for the first time. And I fell in love with you that day." "Oh Carla!", was all I could say before the tears kept me from saying anything more. I just held her. I held her while memories of me stealing glances at her occupy my mind. "And I know you have loved me since high school too. I knew Yuan. Everybody knew.", she whispered. I reached over and kissed her on the forehead with everything that I've felt for her since that day I saw her shoot hoops nine years ago. It was an understatement to say that this girl in front of me, in a hospital bed with IV's and tubes attached to her, is the love of my life.
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The rain kept on pouring the whole afternoon and my mind's going more restless by the minute. The stormy season was just starting at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, I was a completely different man. Two weeks ago, I wasn't so sure that love is for me. But here I am, waiting at this small chapel, waiting for the love of my life to walk down that aisle dressed in white. Gone are the playboy days of Yuan Co. Here and now, until forever, there is only one girl in my heart and mind. She's always been there. Carla, the girl of my dreams. My biggest high school crush. The one who brought me down on my knees to beg God to let her live. She only has six months to live according to the doctor but I know God can make miracles. He already did, that day He made our paths cross again in this same chapel.
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