Are You Beautiful?

Are you beautiful?

I asked this simple question last night to the girls in my small group at church. They all answered Yes, thought some thought about it first while others answered with confidence. Well, that's for the girls in my small group and for other Christian girls I know. But what about you? What about the others who do not know that they are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)? Do they feel beautiful? Do they feel that they are, in their own little way, the most beautiful of all creation? Or do they live in the shadow of some "perfect" model of beauty or some standard that people and society has put? Or worst, they think they can never be beautiful or that they can never measure up a bit to what we call BEAUTY?

To be honest, if one of the girls last night answered me with a NO, I would have been devastated. A NO would have caused me heartache for the sole reason that NO WOMAN DESERVES TO FEEL UNPRETTY.  EVERY WOMAN IS BEAUTIFUL.

Most women tend to disregard this aspect of who they are. They tend to hide their beauty within all the workload, baggy clothes, cheaply done hair color that does not even look good, or too much make-up. We hide in different personas just so we can hide our real beauty. Sadly, we even hide in dysfunctional relationships. Why do we hide? What are we afraid of?

Let's go back to our childhood. Back to the time when all we want to do is play Princess and dress up in anything shimmery and shiny just so we can feel that we are indeed little princesses in a big kingdom. We would always ask the people around us, especially mom and dad, this one simple question yet the answers we get would wound our core, would bring a lot of messages to our hearts. What's the question?

"Am i beautiful?"

Lucky you if your parents dotted on you and would tell you that you are the most beautiful princess in the whole universe. But for most women, it wasnt the case. And they grew up believing that they are not. So should our parents be entirely blamed? Partly, they should be. But not entirely. They are just living in a world east of Eden. So who should be entirely blamed? Let us go back to Creation and to the Fall of Man.

(Excerpts from the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge)

The Crown of Creation (p.22)


We will never truly understand women until we understand this. The scene begins in darkness,


   Darkness over the deep and God's breath hovering over the waters. (Gen. 1:2 Alter)


The breathless moment in the dark before the first notes of a great symphony or concert, a play or an epic film. All is formless, empty, dark. Then a voice speaks.


   "Let there be light." (Gen. 1:3 Alter)


And suddenly, there is light, pure light, magnificent light. Its radiance will enable us to see now what is unfolding. The voice speaks again, and again.


   "Let there be a vault in the midst of the waters, and let it divide water from water." (Gen. 1:6 Alter)


   "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered in one place so that the dry land will appear."     
    (Gen.1:9 Alter) 

   "Let the earth grow grass plants... and trees bearing fruit..." (Gen. 1:11 Alter)


   "Let there be lights in the vault of the heavens..." (Gen.1:14 Alter)


   "Let the waters swarm with the swarm of living creatures and let the fowl fly over the earth..." (Gen. 1:20 Alter)


From water and stone, to pomegrenatee and rose, to leopard and nightingale, CREATION ASCENDS IN BEAUTY. What was once formless and empty is now overflowing with life and color and sound and movement in a thousand variations. Most importantly, notice that each creature is MORE intricate and noble and mysterious than the last.


Then somethingtruly astonishing takes place.
God sets his own image on the earth. He creates a being like Himself. He creates a son.


   The Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed life into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being. (Gen.2:7)


It is nearing the end of the 6th day, the end of the Creator's great labor, as Adam steps forth, the image of God, the triumph of his work. He alone is pronounced the son of God. Nothing in Creation even comes close. Truly, the masterpiece seems complete. AND YET, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something is missing... and that something is EVE.


   And the Lord God cast a deep sleep on the human, and he slept, and He took one of his ribs and closed over the flesh where it had been, and the Lord God built the rib He had taken from the human into a woman and He brought her to the human. (Gen. 2:21-23 Alter)


She is the crescendo, the final, astonishing work of God. WOMAN. In one last flourish Creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch. Eve is... breathtaking.


Given the way creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of Creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch. She fills a place in the world and no one else can fill.


Isn't that amazing? We, women, are the most beautiful among ALL of His creations. But what happened? Why are we feeling like we are not beautiful? Like we will never measure to what society calls beautiful? Let's step back into the Bible thru the book Captivating.


The Fall of Eve (p.46)


Now the serpent was the shrewdest of all the creatures the Lord God had made. "Really?" he asked the woman. "Did God really say you must not eat any of the fruit in the garden?"


"Of course we may eat it," the woman told him. "It's only the fruit from the tree at the center of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God says we must not eat it or even touch it, or we will die."


"You won't die!" the serpent hissed. "God knows that your eyes will be opened when you eat it. You will become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil."


The woman was convinced. The fruit looked so fresh and delicious, and it would make her so wise! So she ate some of the fruit. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her. Then he ate it too. (Gen.3:1-6 NLT)


The woman was convinced. That's it? Just like that? In a matter of moments? Convinced of what? look in your own heart - you'll see. Convinced that God was holding out on her. Convinced that she could not trust His heart toward her.

Thus, we are cursed. Woman is cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control (especially her man) and the feeling that we will never measure up to the word beautiful. So who's to blame? Eve? No! She's just a victim, just like you and me. Blame someone who has a special hatred for women.


Special Hatred (p.82)


For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against those mighty powers of darkness who rule the world, and against wicked spirits in the heavenly realms. (Eph. 6:12 NLT)


Why does Satan make Eve the focus of his assault on humanity?


You may know that Satan was first named Lucifer, or Son of the Morning. It infers a glory, a brightness or radiance unique to him. In the days of his former glory he was appointed a guardian angel. Many believe he was the captain of the angel armies of God. The guardian of the glory of the Lord.


"You were the model of perfection, 
full of wisdom and perfect in beauty.
You were in Eden,
the garden of God;
every precious stone adorned you:
ruby, topaz and emerald,
chrysolite, onyx and jasper,
sapphire, turquoise and beryl.
Your settings and mountings were made of gold;
on the day you were created they were prepared.
You were anointed as a guardian cherub,
for so I ordained you.
You were on the holy mount of God;
you walked among the fiery stones." (Ezek. 28:12-14)


Perfect in beauty. That is the key. Lucifer was gorgeous. He was breathtaking. And it was his ruin. Pride entered Lucifer's heart.


"Your heart became proud
on account of your beauty,
and you corrupted your wisdom
because of your splendor." (Ezek. 28:17)


Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty. He destroys it in the natural world wherever he can. He wreaks destruction on the glory of God in the earth like a psychopath committed to destroying great works of art.


But most especially, HE HATES EVE.
Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be. She is the incarnation of the beauty of God.

Blame it on Lucifer. Jealous and conceited Lucifer. He hates you because he FEARS who you are; what you are; what you might become. He fears your beauty and our life-giving heart.

Women, it's time to fight. We are fragile in some ways yes but we can fight! We can fight the battle to feel unpretty and inadequate in our lives. How? Close your eyes and picture the moment when all in heaven was crying. God, in all His power, would not stop what was to happen. His one and only Son is already on the cross, about to die so that He can overcome the world, and everything on it. All the lies, all the bitterness, and all the pain. Look onto Christ. He loves YOU. Yes, YOU. In God's eyes, YOU are the most beautiful.

Ever wondered why most of those who received significant healing from God in the bible are women? Women, who at that time was considered to be worthless. For example, the woman with hemorrhage and the dead girl (Mark 5: 21-43) and the Syrophoenician woman (Mark 7:24). Also, who first came to know that Christ has resurrected? It was the women who went to His tomb. What about Martha and Mary? And the widow who offered all that she has? Why are they included in His story? I'd like to think that it's because WOMEN MATTERS TO HIM. He came to earth to free women from the curse. And to bring healing to their hearts. To restore them.

Let me share with you this other simple truth I read from Captivating:
You really wont understand your life as a woman until you understand this:

You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.
You are passionately hated by the Enemy.

The good news there is, the One who loves you is far greater and far more powerful than the enemy.

Women, it's time to stop listening to all the lies of the enemy. Be free. Be beautiful. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL inside out.


"A woman being pursued by her man is at her most beautiful. But a woman being romanced and loved and amazed by her God is the most beautiful. -Gillian Hero Guerrero-Angeles"

Smile beautiful! :)

The Proverbs 31 Woman

Proverbs 31:10-31 Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

 ^{10 [b]}A wife of noble character who can find?
   She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
   and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
   all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
   and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
   bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
   she provides food for her family
   and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
   out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
   her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
   and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
   and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
   and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
   for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
   she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
   where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
   and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
   she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
   and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
   and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
   her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Honor her for all that her hands have done,
   and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Now, tell me, can we find someone who is all this and more?

I was reading the book Captivating these past few days and a certain part of the book spoke to me. "Like we said, you'd have to conclude that a godly woman is...tired. And guilty. We are all living in the shadow of that infamous icon, "The Proverbs 31 Woman" whose life is so busy I wonder, when does she have time for friendships, for taking walks, or reading good books? Her light never goes out at night? When does she have sex? Somehow, she has sanctified the shame most women live under, biblical proof that yet again we don't measure up."

And it all dawned on me. Remember a few blogs ago, I wrote "I'm tired."? Why was I tired? The realization hit me as hard as if stone was thrown at me to wake me up from the slumber I was in. I WAS TRYING TO BE HER. Her, meaning The Proverbs 31 Woman. Ever since God revealed to me that my God's best is a pastor/going to be a pastor, I was just pressured too much to the point that I ran away from His will, then when I couldnt run anymore, I decided to face my future head on and tried to be like her. Well, I'm going to tell you, I always as in ALWAYS fell short of who she is. I even got someone questioning my maturity as a Christian. I even got a comment that I dont fit the part of becoming a Pastor's wife. I dont fit the part. Nice. Did it hurt? Yeah it did! Imagine, hearing from mature Christians that i dont fit the part of becoming a pastor's wife and that my faith maturity is questionable. It hurt my heart and it busted my ego. For someone who never really wanted to be a pastor's wife, I didnt need that. I did not deserve being told that. Because in the first place, I NEVER dreamt or wanted to be a pastor's wife. Other Christian girls dream of becoming a Pastor's wife. But not me. All I ever wanted is to be married to my God's best, the one i've been praying to God for. Until one night last June 2010, I found myself asking God, "who do you want for me?" the answer i got - 1 Timothy 3:1-7 Overseers and Deacons. My reaction? "NOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, please I dont want a pastor! I dont want to be a pastor's wife! *sobbing*"

Then i met Jeremy. When he laid his intentions to me, intentions of pursuing me and marrying me, he told me this - "I know you've been running away from something that God wants for your life so before you say yes to me, I want you to know that I have a calling to be a Pastor." Boom! Heaven was just a few meters away when i plummeted down to earth again, because someone clipped my wings. Would I say no just because he's going to be a pastor and if i marry him, it would make me something i never really wanted, or should i say nearly resented? Torn between my desire to finally be with my God's best and running away from the responsibilities and pressure of being a pastor's wife, I opted to forego my "resentment" for the "position" in His kingdom and chose to say yes.

Since that day, I tried to be all that a pastor's wife should be. Or atleast all that I think a pastor's wife is. They are sweet, helpful, busy with church and church activities, disciplined, composed, meek, gentle, motherly, and all the positive adjectives that should accompany one. But I would always fall short of all of those things. All my actions are either too much or wrong. Once, i blogged my heart out and decided to sort out the rumors circulating about me, Jeremy and his ex, and boy I tell you, there are people who called it "uncalled for". That the actions, the words, dont fit that of a Pastor's wife. That night after learning about those comments, i couldnt help but break down. Mind you, I was on the way home commuting with Jeremy when I couldnt stop the tears from coming. Was it too much to say what's been boiling inside me for 3 months already? I kept asking that to myself. That night, when I couldnt hold it anymore, I ranted to God. I told Him, "I never wanted to be a pastor's wife! It's what You want for me! Now why am i being persecuted like this? Just because I dont fit the part? And they ex fits the part of being a Pastor's wife???? I never asked this from You. Why????" Don't get me wrong. I wasnt mad at God. I was just so hurt I couldnt hold the pain any longer. I couldnt remember the word He gave me that night. All I can remember was, when I couldnt breathe anymore because of crying, something warm enveloped my body and i felt something like a cold touch on my cheek. I was being held by God. with all of my rants, my pain, and my tears, God went down from His throne to comfort me - the "immature" Christian who's being questioned by mature ones.

Last night, I asked Him after reading that part (see first paragraph) from Captivating, "Do I really have to be like her in order for me to be Jeremy's wife? Do i really have to be all that? Do i really have to pressure myself to be "the pastor's wife"?" I got my answer as I was "leading" my Victory group. I found myself blurting out something that wasnt on my notes, nor was what I spoke of something that I have grasped before I started sharing. I said, "We dont have to be The Proverbs 31 woman in order to be loved by God. You just have to be a better You. A better Gillian. If all you'll do is to meet that standard that the church and the bible has set in Proverbs 31, we all would fall short of her. All that God ask is a better us."

A better ME. Not The Proverbs 31 woman, but a better Gillian who's fruits of the Holy Spirit are still intact, her personality and character maturing each day, her faith and love overflowing. Because even though I will fall short of the Proverbs 31 Woman, I know my God up there loves me unconditionally flaws and all, and my man down here loves and accepts me for who i am, who i will be and who i wont be.

who says God does not answer?

ever wonder if God hears your prayers? ever said to yourself, "nah, He wont listen." let me tell you this. HE DOES. He answers every prayer, every little request that we utter, and every petition that we shove His way. how do I know? well, this girl who's writing this blog made have been blessed with a lot of answered prayers. :D

January 2010, i was earnestly praying for God to give me my God's best already. for those who do not know what God's best means, that means God's perfect choice for me as a partner, the one He has created to be mine to be my husband, my soulmate and my true love. All year round I would add little details to the list of what I want in a husband. Little details in prayers such as "God, I dont want to commute alone anymore. Can you please give me the one person I will enjoy taking the bus with on the way home." or "God, can you please make my God's best love watching movies so that I can enjoy movie dates with him?" December 2010, before the year ended, God has given me my God's best and he is everything that I asked from God. As in EVERYTHING.

Jeremy, my God's best, would always tell me that I'm so favored by God because He showers me with so much blessing and favors. When I was putting up my bar last January, I had limited budget and it looked like the bar wouldnt open on the target date, more so, would it open at all. The chances were so slim because of the budget but when I asked God to send me some help, oh boy! the help came in multitudes! The bar floor was painted by yours truly with the help of my God's best after work hours. mind you, even though we were both tired from work, we still had the strength to paint the floors and the tables. The sound system needed to be fixed and one service supplier priced the job at 5 thousand pesos plus all the system add-ons like new microphones, new speakers, and new cables. Not wanting to spend so much on this but wanting to have the best sound possible, we looked for someone who can do it for a much cheaper cost. And yes, God showed us someone who will do it for only a "love gift". A love gift is something that we can give to the person, monetary or not, that wouldnt cost much. He did all the work without complain even though he knows that we wont be paying him for his labor. As for the lights, it was my college buddy Googie who did the job. And yes, he wasnt paid as well. For the opening night, the band we got to play is a group of musicians who are our friends and yes, they brought their own 12-channel mixer just in case we need it. Talk about favors from God right?

Valentines day this year, I was already losing hope that I would be able to watch the Valentines day concert of my favorite worship leaders from Church because my baby and I were having difficulties with our finances and payday is still a day away. Guess what, when he arrived at the bar, he said, "Tara! We're going to be late sa concert nila Kuya Jam." I was shocked and speechless because I know he couldnt have bought the ticket because of financial constraints. But there he was, pulling me up from my seat and making me hurry because we are going to miss the concert I've been wanting to watch. When I asked him where he got the money, he told me, "Lakas mo sa Tatay mo sa taas eh. While I was on the way home from work, I was telling Him, "God, daughter mo naman yun diba? sige na please give me provisions so she can watch the concert. Nabibreak yung heart ko na hindi ko mabigay sa kanya yung gusto niya eh. Please." Lo and behold, God used his mom to bless him with "date money".

All year round, whenever I would lack money or provisions, He would always send me blessings so that I wouldnt lack a good thing. When I was losing faith that I will be able to finish my Training for Victory course because I have not yet paid the fee, God sent me the payment for that plus payment for the food for the graduation day plus extra money to spend until the graduation day.

But the greatest prayer He will answer is yet to come. What's that? Rather, which are these? because I have two major prayer requests from God that I know in His perfect time, they will be answered. One is for the floodgates of heaven to open so that finally, Jeremy and I can get married. And another is for a relationship that affects my life to be restored.

Why am I so faithful that He answers? Here's why.

Matthew 7:7-8 says,
⁷ “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ⁸ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."

Ask and it will be given. His words never change. His promises never fail. You may tell me, "But Yani, I'm not walking in God's will. Nor I am as "religious" as you. I'm sure He wouldnt answer me." That's not true. You are as valuable to Him as I am. And he delights in blessing you with the desires of Your heart. You just have to keep faith that the blessings you receive from heaven is not dependent on your circumstances but it is dependent on God, a God who never change.

Is there any prayer request you have but you dont know how to start asking Him for it? Just talk to Him like you would talk to someone you love. :D let me know if there's something we can pray for you.

10 tell-tale signs that he's not in love with you

(not for the faint and sensitive hearted.)

you love him? i dont doubt that you do. does he love you? hmmmm... YES? are you sure? here are some signs that he doesnt.

1. He did not PURSUE you the right way.
Men are designed to pursue and girls, well, you are to be pursued. Thats how it was, and that's how it will be. How does a guy pursue a girl?
*He first pursues the Creator. He should ask you from God.
*Second, he should make it a point to pick you up from your house and to bring you home when you are going out. Never ever let him tell you, "I'll just drop you off at the bus station." or "Let's just wait for the jeep to your place here and then I'll go home."
*Third, he should initiate talking to your parents about his intentions towards you. Girls, if you are the one initiating this, trust me, the guy does not really want to meet your parents.

2. You have to pressure him about the "US" thing.
Have you ever asked a guy, "So, when will it be official for the two of us?" Hello! Girls, in the first place, if the guy pursued you, you wouldnt have to pressure him about the "US" thing. He is already committed to you the moment he asked you if he can pursue you. Well, that is if he pursued you. If he didnt, well you really have to pressure him and most often than not, he will be pressured to commit but his heart is really not into it.

3. When in public, he tends to walk ahead of you especially when he sees someone he knows.
Is it still hard to decipher? The guy will be proud to tell the world YOU are HIS GIRL if he truly loves you! And he wouldnt want to be an inch apart from you. So if you notice that he keeps his distance from you especially when there are people around, think twice about his true feelings for you.

4. Check the albums he upload on Facebook. If the album is composed of your photos alone, check the settings if it's viewable by you alone. Most often than not, he did not really want to upload this. You wanted him to. Im not saying you snoop around his profile. Just check if your friends see the album or not. This would go back to the reason that he is not proud of you.

5. He does not want a photo of the 2 of you as his profile photo. Need i say more?

6. You've been together for a year or two yet he has not really made an effort for you to meet his parents. Hello! A man should be in a relationship with you because he sees himself getting married to you. Thats the main aim of relationships. Not just for companionship. So if he does not make an effort for you to meet his parents, that may only mean, he does not see you as the daughter-in-law of his parents.

7. When you fight, you apologize all the time! I repeat, ALL the TIME.
Too much ego and pride on his side that he does not want to admit his mistakes? Girls, a true man will never be afraid to admit his mistakes. And a man who truly loves you will swallow his pride just to fix the relationship with you.

8. He hates it when you become friends with his friends.
Well, who knows your man better than you do? his buddies. So when he gets freakin pissed off that you added his friends on facebook and you chat with them, trust me there are things he does not want to tell you that this friends know. IF a guy truly loves you, he wouldnt have a problem leaving you in the company of his friends. Because if he truly loves you, he should trust you enough to tell you everything. As in EVERYTHING.

9. You walk into a wedding supplier store and in as fast as 10 seconds he's out the door.
You want to get married? You want him to propose? Check if he wants the same. Bring him to a wedding supplier store. If he is uneasy, wants to leave quickly, dashed out as fast as he can before you can even utter 'Honey what do you think?" or wont even go inside, you might be living in the fantasy that he wants to marry you! The guy is either afraid to commit, or afraid to commit to you.

10. You have to plead with him to do things for you.
Why plead? A guy who truly loves you would happily do things for you. He would love serving you, doing things for you and making you smile because he did them. You wont have to plead. You shouldnt. Because if he truly loves you, he will do everything for you. Even if that would mean he would have to cross the oceans to get you the nicest pearls, or climb the mountains and catch you a hummingbird, he will do those things. 

The Men Who Left a Mark: My God's Best, Jeremy Sauza Cruz

okay, this i hope would not sound like the mutual admiration society. :D

when I started a series of blogs entitled The Men Who Left a Mark, it did not really cross my mind that i would include him on the list thinking that you might be getting tired of me always blogging about him and us. but just recently, this week until today, sudden realizations hit me about me and him. what happened? well, i just stopped being so touchy. not towards him i mean. towards other guys, my guy friends for that matter. i suddenly stopped. and it's not because he told me to. it's because he stopped asking me to stop being touchy. for months now, it wasnt until only at that moment that i really realized that me changing that aspect of me should not be because he is pressuring me to do so, but because i dont want to cause him any heartache.

why did he left a mark in my life? aside from the fact that he loves me so much? here are the reasons why.

*He challenged me to be a better Christian.
When I got the chance to talk to him back then, I noticed how he speaks about God and being a Christian. Those times i would get to talk to him and hear his views about things, I told myself, "God, why is he like that? it seems like he knows so much about you that i dont." That got me reading my Bible more, and it got me spending more time with God.


*He was the reason I took photography seriously.
When we had a photoshoot in Intramuros, I noticed how passionate he is about his craft. Back then, i wasnt taking photography seriously. I just love the feeling of being able to take photos of events, to capture the beauty of things even in the most mundane settings and being able to capture the expressions of people. It seemed like just a hobby. But after that day, i desired to be a better photographer. months after, i decided to really pursue photography and be an apprentice under one of the best photographers in the country so that when people ask him what i do for a living, he would tell them, "well, my girlfriend/wife is a photographer. and a good one at that!"

*He prayed for me in one of the tests that I had put upon myself.
I was dating a nonbeliever at that time and I know that God is telling the both of us to cut it off. Not knowing who to talk to aside from my VG leader, and wanting a guy's perspective of it, I sent him an SMS. I asked for his advice. That's it. but the next day, he sent me an SMS telling me he prayed for me, about me and the situation. i did not ask for it but he did.

*He did not make me wait and look towards the door for a sign if he is coming or not.
You see, I crave for support. Whenever I had contests in school back then, from quiz bees to pageants to debates to dance concerts, I would always want my guy to be there to support me. The guy need not show up with flowers, banners or shout his heart out. All i needed was the mere presence. But sadly, back then, none would show up. None of my boyfriends back then would. I found myself not being able to focus on the contest and would occasionally glance at the door (understatement! i would, minute by minute or second by second), hoping that they would come. But Jeremy did. Fresh from his work shift the previous night, he went to my Training for Victory Recognition day despite lacking sleep. Here is what he texted me that morning when I told him it's okay if he cant make it since he needs to sleep. "Babe, you will not keep looking at the door, wondering if i will arrive coz I will. I will support you there and be there as much as I can on every endeavor of your life." This text almost made me cry. had i not been on the bus, i would have cried. Never once did i see any guy enter the door when i was expecting them to. And there he was, sleepless yet looking handsome in a black long sleeve polo and black slacks, waiting for me outside the main hall of Victory.

baby, you may not know the impact you make in other people's lives because some of them dont get the chance to tell you but i'll tell you this, if you made an impact in my life back then when i wasnt your girl yet, when i did not know that YOU are my God's Best yet, then im sure you have made an impact on the lives of those you spent more time with. i love you so much, i hope you know that. much more than life itself. because you loved me for the real me, despite and inspite of. you believed in my dreams even if they mean i would have to be spending less time with you. you supported me in every way. thank you for everything baby. :D i love you so much! oops i said that again.

"I'd go anywhere for you
Anywhere you asked me to
I'd do anything for you
Anything you want me to
Your love as far as I can see
Is all I'm ever gonna need
There's one thing for sure
I know it's true
Baby, I'd go anywhere for you" 

battle scars-to-be...

it's been a week since the night i broke down on the way home. he was with me, and i had my face on his shoulder facing away from him. no matter how hard i tried, the tears just kept on falling. the world seems to have crumbled and the biggest chunks fell on my shoulder. i felt tired, stressed, angry, hurt, and defeated. the strong facade i have tried to build all these years fell down. it felt like the Berlin Wall being smashed into pieces again. no matter how hard he tried to hush me, i wouldnt stop crying. no matter how hard i try to cry out to God, i just couldnt feel better. it's not that He left me all alone to face the battles. it's just the physical me that's so beat up. part of me says "Leave everything to God. He will take care of everything." but practically speaking, I still need to face all these battles. I cannot just run to God and hide away from the battles. He would want me to face them, with His strength and grace. to be honest, I'm still tired. i just want to escape everything. i want to sleep and not wake up anymore. whenever you would see me, you'd see me smile and be happy with my friends but that happy feeling is just passing. they would last for minutes, even hours, depending on the amount of time i spend with my friends. but when i'm already alone, in the bus on the way home, the battles would soon envelope me, never letting me go. from the moment i wake up to the minute i fall asleep, they would consume me to the core. jeremy tells me i'm always so optimistic about things but nowadays, i've been beginning to doubt if i really am. there are just too many battles in my life, all of them came all together at the same time. blame it on my being so idealistic perhaps. or in my idiosyncrasies. or in the way i would always say "come what may." but i did not foresee all these battles coming. what makes it so hard to deal with these battles is that those who should be the least of my priorities want to be the main priority and wants my whole effort and energy. if i do so, then those battles that are really important would go bigger and stronger thus crushing me more.

it's not always a matter of spirituality. i know what He wants me to do with these battles. i shouldnt run. i should face them head on. He wants me to do so. it's not because He cannot take them away from me but because He wants to develop another level of faith, maturity and character. but the problem is, all of these battles demand the best of me. and i cannot give them that all at the same time. He wants me to deal with the biggest battle first before settling the minor ones. but how can i do so if the minor ones wants to be taken cared of at first? i dont know what to do anymore. i pray and pray, i rant, i cry. and i know He hears me. He answers. but others question the way i hear God. others question my maturity in faith. others judge. those who think they are more mature in faith and in their walk with God says my actions are always wrong. my motives and intentions are never right. but who are they to judge others? who are they to judge me? who are they to say i lack maturity in my walk with God? is it because i've only been walking in the Christian faith for 2 years and they have walked that way all their lives? is that the gauge of being a mature Christian? and will actions alone gauge it too? i remember a preaching i heard from Pastor Patrick Mercado. He said that being young in the Christian walk does not mean you cant hear from God. it does not also mean that the years of being a Christian guarantees how well you walk and how well you run the race. It's not a matter of years. It's a matter of faith and obedience.

work. well it's still one battle among the many other battles i have. but atleast right now i'm sort of earning for the little and simple needs that i have. when i said sort of earning, my pay is not that of a regular employee. mine is that of a freelancer, getting paid for every freelance job he does. as an apprentice of one of the best photographers in the country, it does guarantee me good learning and atleast adequate amount of pay per photoshoot. but it does not guarantee that i will be able to help the house and my mom (which is another battle by the way). i get tempted to just drop all of these and just accept the corporate work that's being offered to me but i would always go back to the reason why i left the corporate world anyway. that i wasnt happy with the work, and i dont see myself fit for any corporate work. yes i can finish whatever task you give me, but at the end of the day, it is still not what i want and what i'm equipped to do. and at the end of it all, being stuck in the corporate world is not in any way related to my dreams. i dream of becoming a successful writer, filmmaker, and photographer. not a marketing and events person who's stuck in the office until the wee hours of the morning just trying to finish the job. so there, now i'm just an apprentice. the photographer's apprentice. mind you, an excellent photographer at that. but it still does not change the fact that my previous earnings of 15 thousand a month could not even make me save up for something tangible for the house, what more would my new way of earning which is pay-per-shoot. the only thing i'm holding on to is the fact that God will never let me go unprovided for. He has proven that He will always provide for me most especially in those days He knows i need it most. 

jeremy. well, he isnt part of my battles. not entirely. of course we have our petty quarrels but that does not mean he is a battle on his own. it's just that. sometimes, when what he will be in future caughts up with me, it makes me realize how big the responsibility is of becoming his wife. the responsibility of becoming a wife of what he will be in God's kingdom. it's too much of a pressure. i did not even want to be what i will be when i marry him. most Christian girls dream of that but i dont. so yes, the pressure is making me stressed out. i know i shouldn't be. because at the end of it all, i just love him so much i shouldnt really care of he's going to be a pastor or full-time minister at church. but, there are people who's unconsciously pressuring me to act this way and that way because hey, i'm gonna be his wife! i should be like this, i should be like that. i should act the way they want me to, i should do the things they think i should do. or i should not do what they think i should not do. and most of the time, it's too much for me to handle. but as I always say, God always has a plan. so whatever it is that made Him decide to put me as a minister's wife, i know it's for a reason. even if i dont want to be one.

family. my family that is. well that's the biggest battle of all. my parents being separated and all. me being the only born-again Christian in the family. me being the only child and that means i would have a hard time moving out when i get married. plus the fact that i need to save up for something big for my mom. something i know she wants to have before i get married. all of those are included in one big battle labeled "Family". the thing is, i cannot fight all of those battles (even the ones i did not mention) all at the same time. i'm just a girl. i am fragile too. though i may be strong, i also get weak.

the good thing about all of these, i know that this is just a season. that after this season, it's another level of maturity, another level of faith.

because He told me this:

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (New International Version)

⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

at the end of the day, i may rant, i may cry, i may plead for Him to take it all away. i may want to not wake up anymore but I know that in my battles, God will be glorified at the end. 

The Men Who Left a Mark: Jam Capistrano

The first time I saw him, it was at church. He was leading prayer and worship night and I couldnt help but notice how good he sings. And of course, how good-looking he is. But what I noticed most about him is the way he earnestly worship God while he leads. When on stage leading service, some worship leaders tend to play along the line of worshiping and performing. But he did not. That whole night, he did not even went near that line. He was worshiping. Never performing. His heart was earnestly singing to God.

He's famous. He lived the limelight. He was part of the guy group Wiseguys. But whenever you will see him at church, it wouldnt strike you as someone who was once there, someone who once lived the life. He seems so humble, so nice and there is no negative adjective that follows his presence.

The first time I got to talk to him, I had to tell him something that one of his small group members did to me. I asked for his help regarding the situation. He told me he will do something with the situation. After that night, the next time I saw him was when he and his small group member would meet with me and my small group leader to fix the problem. I wouldnt go into details of the talk but all i can say is, it was a humbling experience. The situation was solved yet he solved it in a peaceful way. He was so patient with me and his small group member, and never once did he raise his voice to us. It did not feel like he was scolding us. It felt more like he was comforting us. I did not expect that kind of treatment considering the situation. But nonetheless, I was glad that he was the small group leader.

That day, he said something that I would never forget. It made me hold on to God more in terms of my love life. He said, "Kung siya na nga yung talagang para sayo, pumunta ka man ng Appari at siya sa Jolo, kung kayo talaga, magtatagpo at magtatagpo kayo harangan man namin kayo ng sibat. Kasi What God has opened, no man can close and what God has closed, no man can open." When I heard that, I said to myself, "I will only know that the one I'm praying for is my God's best if God will tell me the same words that Kuya Jam told me."

After that talk, I had some chat with Kuya Jam and I told him, "Kuya Jam, sa kasal ko ikaw kakanta ha." He answered me, "Ano bang kanta? Basta ba alam ko at alam kong yung pakakasalan mo eh yung tamang lalaki para sayo na ginawa ni Lord para sayo." Yes, I want him to sing at my wedding. And I know that he can say the one I'm set to marry is already the right one.

In those months that I was earnestly praying for my God's best, I would always tell God, "God, I want my God's best to be like Kuya Jam. A man of God, a worshiper, a leader." And yes, Jeremy is like Kuya Jam. He counsels like Jam and talks like Jam. Why wouldnt he? He belongs to Kuya Jam's small group. He was discipled by Kuya Jam.

Isaiah 22:22 "what he opens, no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open."

The Men Who Left a Mark: Sir Jaime Bolok

Forever Labs.

Most of my blockmates would agree that he will always be our Forever Labs. He taught us a lot about Public Relations, Radio and TV Production, Theater, Broadcasting and Life. He is one of the best if not the best professor we ever had. And the most loved. Not only because he taught us a lot, but he also made us work our butts off every week just so we can be honed to our fullest potential as future media practitioners.

I still remember that day we first saw him. He was wearing a black long sleeves rolled up to his elbows, sitting halfway at the teacher's table inside the masscomm laboratory, waiting for us to arrive from our previous class. We didnt know who our professor for Public Relations will be. we thought it would just be one of the professors we had before. Imagine the surprise visible in our faces when we entered the classroom to see a good-looking guy, waiting for us. Yes, most of the girls if not all had a crush on him from that moment on. That semester, we were all at our best. We would go to class looking good, prepared with our assignments and projects, and prepared to give our all to this good-looking professor. But it wasnt only us who gave our best. He did as well. Every class, he would go to the room prepared well for his lesson. At the end of the semester, we didnt want to let him go. He is already part of our lives more than just a professor. He became our friend.

Imagine our joy when he became our professor again in our other major subjects. And boy he pushed us to our limits! I still remember making projects every week for his class. from live productions, to music videos, to newscast, to radio shows, to morning shows, to noontime entertainment show, to infotainment shows. he put us under the fire to bring out the diamonds in each one of us. and at the end of our college life, we could not help but be thankful he became our mentor.

I remember the day we surprised him. it was our way of thanking him for everything he taught us. it was the last day of our class with him and graduation is just a few days away. I remember him crying because for him, we werent just students. we are his first loves because we are the first batch he taught, the first batch he had produced to the media world. i remember hearing him say we will forever be his first loves and no one can take our place in his life.

all the things i know now, all the things i can do now, i owe it mostly to Sir Jabs.

Sir Jabs, thank you for all the lessons in class and outside the class. i know we will all treasure it. for all the sleepless nights, the cramming, the long hours rehearsing for Broadway Bound and our weekly productions i am grateful. so grateful. you will forever be my forever labs.


"Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure
A year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love? Measure in love

Seasons of love. Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Journeys to plan.

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life
Of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned,
Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,
Or the way that she died.

It's time now to sing out,
Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Seasons of love!

Oh you got to got to
Remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love spread love
Measure measure your life in love."

 

The Men Who Left a Mark: Sir Jun Rabeje

27 February 2008
For Ms Angeles

"Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor, I met a girl so fair..."

Sincerely,
Sir Jun

This was written in the first page of the book Hammer of the Gods The Led Zeppelin Saga. the book was from him. at first, the book was just borrowed. he let me borrowed it so i can read the biography of one of my favorite bands of all time, Led Zep. when i was returning it already, he said, "Ms. Angeles wait for me here." he then went inside the library, emerging a few minutes later, still with the book at hand. he said, "here. it's yours." that was the first time a college professor gave me something. the first time i was given a book by a mentor.

let's go back to the summer of 2008. as always, i was in school, keeping busy with summer classes so i can finish my course in just 3 years. that summer, i enrolled one of my minor subjects which is Sociology and Anthropology. on the first day of class, in came a professor who wears thick eyeglasses, looks like a bookworm and looks like a strict professor. his name is Sir Jun Rabeje. i've seen him in school before though i never got the chance to be his student before Socio-Anthro. i wouldnt go into the details of the class but i can tell you, despite of it being a minor subject, it was one of the best classes i attended in Baste. he was great! he teaches the lesson in a clear manner, to be understood by everyone considering that for most students, Socio-Anthro can be one of the most boring subjects. who would want to study about the Homo Erectus, Homo Sapiens and all other homos right? who would enjoy learning about the different sociological theories like Marxism? only few people enjoy that. but i enjoyed his class! it was a blast. and he enjoyed having me as a student as well. we just jived. he loves books, music, history and general information. the same things i love. he also writes. and he is intelligent. among all my professors, he is my most favorite in terms of intellect. no, there is nothing romantic. purely platonic.

i still remember the deal he made with me in class. since i would always get an almost perfect score in all his quizzes (one mistake only), he challenged me in front of the class to perfect his final exam. if i would be successful in doing so, he would lend me his collection of Rush CDs. Rush is not so popular in the Philippines, only a few people know about them (google if you want to know about them). the exam came and i was so nervous about it. when i was done, i reviewed it and thought i did good. came the following day, he handed our exams back. he saved mine for last. when he handed me my exam, i was brokenhearted. i got 1 mistake. when i looked inside the text booklet, i noticed that my mistake was a wrong spelling. i lack a letter S for this certain word. the whole class waited for him to announce if i won the challenge or not. instead, he asked them, "Class, should I consider a wrong spelling?" at this moment i was near tears. the whole class was silent. they could not answer. when no one was answering him, he said, "Ms. Angeles, come here." when i got to the table, lo and behold! there at the table are the Rush CDs he would lend me! i was so happy i couldnt wait to go home. he told me, i was one of the best if not the best student he ever had in class.

i learned a lot from him. music, history, law, socio-anthro, general information. but if there is one thing that i will never forget about him, it's his confidence in my intellect. he trust my brains enough for him to challenge me to perfect his exam because he knows that i can do so. he believed in me and my brains and he rewarded me because of my courage to step out in faith, took the challenge, and did all i can do to perfect the exam. i may have misspelled an answer but that did not stop him from giving me the grade i deserve, and the reward that he promised.

it's just sad though that in my final year in Baste, he wasnt around anymore. he left for a greener pasture for his family. and he left me a book as a remembrance. and everytime i would see the book, i would remember that once, a professor trusted me enough and believed in the things that my brain can do. believed in the talents i have and the big memory space i have in between my two ears.

to Mr. Jun Rabeje, whether you will get to read this or not, i will forever be grateful for the lessons learned in class, the book, the music talk, the trust in my intellect. when most professors judge me by my looks and say I can only be beautiful but not brainy, you opted to go the other way and see beyond the face. you saw the other side of me - the brainy one.

                                   (photo i took of the book he gave me. the guy isnt him though)

The Men Who Left a Mark, Good or Bad.

i've been wanting to right about the men in my life, past or present who made a difference and left a mark. whether it was a good mark or a bad mark, they still changed the course of my life. positive or negative, they still molded a part of my life.

there are a lot of them. friends, bestfriends, past boyfriends, mentors. in every person who came to my life whether for a short period of time or for a longer period of time, they all gave me lessons to learn, things to ponder on, and memories to cherish. why write about MEN instead of the WOMEN? well, it's harder to think of how these men made an impact to me. more so, it's harder to admit that some of them gave me pain yet they were able to give me lessons that i will remember until the day i die. who are they? well, wait for my next few blogs because they are dedicated to them.

how God wrote my love story...

this was from the blog Finally Breaking My Silence which I deleted because I already had my side heard. but I'm reposting this part so as to give you a view of how God wrote our love story. I hope that everyday of our lives, we can glorify God in every way. because He gave me Jeremy, my answered prayer.

january 14: last day of prayer and fasting. for the 7 days of prayer and fasting, I was earnestly praying for my God's best. on the 7th day, God gave me a revelation. He will reveal my God's best with a sign of 4 dark blue/violet tulips that will be given to me at church on my birthday. This was given to me with the word Jeremiah 29:11. The only one who knows about this is me and my prayer partner Selah.

January 30: I got a revelation/prophecy at church that I'll be married to a worshipper who plays an instrument for God. on that day also, Kuya Jam told me, "kung para sayo talaga ung tao, pumunta ka man ng appari at siya sa jolo, pagtatagpuin at pagtatagpuin pa rin kayo harangan man namin kayo ng sibat. Sabi nga sa word, What God has opened no man can close, what God has closed no man can open. Kung kayo talaga, kayo talaga."

feb 8: Habakkuk 2:2-3 Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. though it lingers, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.

february 14: iHeart. God spoke to Jeremy about his relationship with his girlfriend and commanded him to break it up. That same night, God talked to Raymond about me and commanded him to do the same.

july 18: i got word from God that He will wake up my God's best. John 11:11 and Genesis 2:21-24. He is going to wake him up already.

september 1: he played for my event Project Corinth with 2911. that night, the first moment he saw me, he said to God, "she's so pretty can I have her?" that night, he already claimed me from God and he knew right then and there that im the one. he even sang the song Ako'y Sa'yo at Ika'y Akin, a song that i've always loved since i was a kid. (accdg. to his story)

november 5: i saw him at eastwood when i was there for a gig.

november 15: intramuros photowalk with Jeremy. it wasnt planned. he had to go to intramuros to check out the place for a shoot he needs to do and i needed to look for a place where i can shoot the band i was with back then. that night, when he tried to remove something in my face, i backed off and got scared of his touch. when i got home, i was reminded in my quiet time of the prayer i said to God before. i told God that one of the signs that will point me to my God's best is I WILL BE AFRAID TO BE TOUCHED BY HIM. after my quiet time, i opened my starbucks planner where i wrote down His revelations last prayer and fasting. i caught sight of the list i made of the things i want to do with my God's best. #18 says INTRAMUROS TOUR. I then asked God, "jeremy? it cant be. eden's praying for him." the word He gave me was Jeremiah 29:11. i took it as is. that He has plans for me.

november 20: i told God, "God i want your will to be done. so if Jeremy isnt the one, remove his feelings for me while he is on the mission field. remove my likeness for him as well." a few hours after, he asked me to be his prayer partner for the 15days that he is in China on a mission trip.

november 27: while praying for my God's best when he will be revealed, God gave me Isaiah 14:24 The Lord Almighty has sworn, "surely as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will stand."

november 28: he asked me to attend service with him. in my quiet time, God gave me as word for my God's best, Jeremiah 40:3 "And now the Lord has brought it about, he has done just as he said he would."

november 29: Revelation 14:12 "this calls for patient endurance..."

november 30: Isaiah 22:22 "what he opens, no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open." - reminded me of what Kuya Jam said.

december 1: i went with him and the missions team to the airport to send them off. this day was also the start of my 2nd prayer and fasting for my God's best. God's word when I asked him if i should open up my heart to Jeremy - Isaiah 26:2 "Open the gates that the righteous nation may enter, the nation that keeps faith."

december 2: Isaiah 37:26 "Have you not heard? Long ago I planned it, in the days of old I planned it; now I have brought it to pass..."

december 3: Isaiah 46:10-11 (10) "I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please. (11) What I have said, I will bring about; what I have planned, that I will do." -confirmation if He will really reveal my God's best on my birthday.

december 14: Jeremy got Philippians 4 verse 3 when he asked God is he can lay his intentions already.

december 15: Jeremy's laying of intentions. i told him he should talk to eden about it. He did. The word I got that night, Luke 4:21 "Today the Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing."

december 17: my birthday. God's promised sign would be revealed today. I was outside the door of VCF Galleria waiting for Jeremy because he will attend youth service with me. When he got there, he handed me a simple bouquet of flowers and my notebook which he used in China and which he forgot to return when he laid his intentions. the bouquet has 3 dark blue/violet tulips, and outside my notebook there is a painting of a blue tulip. 3 + 1 = 4. 4 dark blue/violet tulips outside the church on my birthday. PROMISED FULFILLED. why did he give me that? he doesnt know. when he got to Designer Blooms Eastwood, he was supposed to give me White Tulips but none was available. the only ones available were yellow and the dark blue/violet ones.

2010: every day that i would ask God who my God's best is, He would always give me the word Jeremiah 29:11. Back then i took it as it is. a word that says He has plans for me. But on the day that God revealed Jeremy to me, it all made sense. God's been telling me the name of my God's best. Jeremy is a form of Jeremiah. and I first got to know Jeremy in person when he played for a band 29:11 in one of my events.

Jeremiah 29:11. He is definitely my God's best.

                                                                 (photo from google)

I-N-T-E-N-T-I-O-N-S...

in·ten·tion  (n-tnshn)

n.

1. A course of action that one intends to follow.

2.

a. An aim that guides action; an objective.

b. intentions Purpose with respect to marriage: honorable intentions.

3. Medicine The process by which or the manner in which a wound heals.

4. Archaic Import; meaning.

INTENTION. a strong word that can make or break an action. 

when i published my most viewed blog, "Finally Breaking My Silence", it caused a lot of raised eyebrows, anger from people not mentioned in the blog but felt strongly for the girl, and questions about my intentions. what were my real intentions when i wrote that blog? thinking back to the day i wrote it, i started questioning the feelings i had that day and the night before that. the night before i posted my blog, someone related to the girl called me a b****. Yup, that word that's on your mind. obviously, i would get freakin mad about it. When I attended service that night, all I can ask God is "Why do i always have to let them say things they want to say about me, let them put me down with their words and just stay quiet in my own little world? Why do i have to be the one who would have to deal with anger inside? Why cant I just be like my old self and say what i want to say to those people who opted to hurt me with their words?" I could not take it anymore. When i woke up the following day, I started writing that blog. At first, it contained very harsh words that can hurt anyone who reads them. It would definitely hurt the one i wrote it for. After 6 EDITING and asking permission from Jeremy if I can post it, I posted it. I posted the mildest version i can come up with. So what was my intentions when i posted it? At the onset of my writing, I wanted to lash out and hurt her back for the things that was said about me. I wanted her to feel the pain she made me feel. But as I edited the blog and edited it again and again, I started to question my motive, my intentions. As I go on editing it, my intentions changed. I didnt want to hurt her anymore. I just want her to hear me out. For her to finally know my side of the story, the side that she didnt want to hear before. So to answer the question what was my intention when I posted the blog? i just wanted to be heard. Pardon me if it hurt some people who werent really part of the picture. You cant blame me for letting my side be heard. If you are in my position, letting all those hurt boil up inside for 3 months already and as each day pass, more hurt gets added, you would do the same. Most women would do the same. Dont be a hypocrite and tell me you wouldnt because girls tend to be more emotional, and when they get hurt, angered or pained, all they tend to do is LASH OUT their anger towards the person. Whether face to face or through technology, women would still tend to say what's on their mind. Like the famous saying, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." here's a sample scenario. you find out your husband is cheating on you, wouldnt you confront him? wouldnt you confront the girl? another scenario, your boyfriend is cheating on you. wouldnt you confront the guy and the other girl? wouldnt you express your feelings by lashing out, bursting out and saying all the things you want to say? women would. it's in their nature. why do you think men call us a NAG? thats because we use up all the words in the vocabulary everytime we feel a negative strong emotion. 

INTENTIONS. as i sat down in the room of my new mentor, Tootoots Leyesa, this word filled up the entire space. That day, when he was asking me different things about Photography, all my knowledge seemed to fly out the window and all I can answer is I don't know. 

Tootoots: What separates a photographer from a lomoista? What separates you from a lomoista?

Me: Ummmm....

Tootoots: Are you a photographer?

Me: Ummm i hope i am.

Tootoots: Ang sagot mo dapat OO. With conviction na oo photographer ako. Kaya ka nga andito eh.

Tootoots: Give me one word that would some up the difference between a photographer and a lomoista.

(after what felt like eternity and me not being able to answer....)

Tootoots: INTENTIONS. That's what separates you from a lomoista. Para ka dapat Ninja, hindi mo ilalabas ang sword mo with the intention only to hurt but with the intention to kill because that's what you're trained to do. Parang ang camera mo. Hindi mo ilalabas lang yan kase kumain kame gusto ko lang picturan.

(with that being said, he wrote the word INTENTIONS on my left wrist to remind me of it that day as I shoot for Noel Cabangon's album.)

INTENTIONS - an aim that guides an action. So what are your intentions? Everytime you blog, everytime you put a status message on your wall that is meant for someone who irritates you, everytime you shout at someone in the family, everytime you shout at your friends, everytime you judge other people, CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS. Are they intended to build or to ruin? Are they intended to be for another person's growth or for his destruction? For me, that is a lesson well learned.

If you ask me, if i will be given to redo time and go back to the time i was going to click PUBLISH, would i have not published it? I wouldnt. Because all i wanted was to be heard. not to hurt. And if she did not read that, I dont think she would have talked to me to hear my side of the story.

                            (the word INTENTION as written by my mentor, Tootoots Leyesa)

God and coffee...

having been given a subject to blog about by my baby, here i am typing my thoughts away as to how i will blog about the subject. it started with the question, "Babe, can you do an impromptu blog?" When I answered "Yes.", he took advantage of it and told me, "Can you make one right now? I'll give you a subject to blog about." Do I have a choice? Well I have. But just like I chose to eat the very very toasted giniling with potatoes and cheese (imagine there's cheese in giniling!) despite my common sense telling me it does not taste good, here I am blogging about the subject he gave me.

Coffee and God. that's the subject he gave me. asking me to blog might be the result of the loss of confidence i had on my writing ability due to the fact that i cant seem to get any work as a writer. and blame it on the fact that some of the companies i applied to told me im not even good in writing. (i've been writing for almost all of my life and getting discouraging words from those companies really took its toil on my confidence.) he and i been having some discussions about me writing again because for him, my writings are really good. but due to the blow on my writing skills, i lost amour for writing. i dont even want to continue the book i was starting to right.

going back, the subject is Coffee and God. i can actually just blog about the overly used joke of our Victory Galleria head pastor, Pastor Ferdie which is "God loves coffee. You know why? Because HeBrews." to save me the time and energy to think but it isnt mentally fulfilling. so, should i write about the similarities? or should i write about the differences? mind you, the discussion for one aspect can go a long way. hence, i opted to cross the line and discuss both. hahahaha!

When I was google-ing the characteristics of coffee, I chanced upon this website and it says, "In Colombia, the world's largest producer of mild coffee, the importance of coffee is undeniable. A cup of this magical liquid is the perfect pretext to start the day off practically anywhere: on the street, at home, in a cafeteria, on a balcony, in front of a computer, in the garden. And it is perfect for sharing time with friends or taking a break at the office." (http://www.colombia.travel/en/international-tourist/sightseeing-what-to-do/colombia-thematic-routes/coffee/characteristics-of-coffee)

COFFEE.
It starts the day off practically anywhere: on the street, at home, in a cafeteria, on a balcony, in front of a computer, in the garden, in a public utility vehicle. You can have coffee anywhere as you start the day.

GOD.
He practically wants you to start your day with His presence, in His presence and with His words. Anywhere. From the moment you open your eyes to a brand new day, to you taking a shower, or eating breakfast, or rushing to the office, in public utility vehicles, or while walking towards your office building.

COFFEE.
And it is perfect for sharing time with friends or taking a break at the office.

GOD.
He is perfect. And He is a perfect subject to share with friends or your co-workers while having a break at the office. Perfect I say? Yes. Because who wouldnt want to hear of a God who works in your life in the littlest detail of it yet sees the whole picture of your life? Who wouldnt want to hear about how God blesses all those who care enough to cast their cares to Him?

COFFEE.
Four factors must be taken into account when enjoying a cup of coffee. They are Acidity, Aroma, Body and Taste. All four should be present for you to be able to enjoy your cup of coffee.

GOD.
The 2 primary aspect of God's nature that is especially relevant in evangelism are His authority and His love. Unlike coffee wherein you cannot fully enjoy the cup if one factor is absent, you can fully enjoy a relationship with God even if one of these 2 factors is not present. This is because every season with God is an enjoyable one even if it is the season of pruning and He simply wants you to acknowledge His authority. BUT, once He is done with you on the pruning stage, His love overflows and blessings will fill your cup til it overflows.

COFFEE.
Your coffee cup cannot overflow or else, it would spill and you would have coffee stains on the table or on your clothes.

GOD.
God's love for you overflows. It is so overflowing that He was even willing to sacrifice His own Son on the cross to die for our sins. His own "flesh and blood", His one and only Son. With Him, all things overflow and there are no disadvantages of overflowing.

COFFEE.
Too much of anything is bad right? So is too much coffee. It can make you acidic. It can also make you palpitate.

GOD.
If there is one thing in this world that would totally negate the saying "too much of anything is bad", well that's God. Too much of His presence, too much of His love, too much of obedience to Him, too much of love for him wont be bad for you. Hence, it would make Him glad and happy that finally, His precious son/daughter is grasping the idea of selfless/unconditional love that is seen in Jesus.

From the same website, i found this quotation - "Good coffee should be black as night, hot as hell, sweet as love." Thats for coffee.

As for God, well i can only say this - God sees you and cares for you even in the blackest of night, He doesnt want you to experience the hot furnace of hell because His love is the sweetest thing on earth.

                                                                 (photo from Google)

the importance of waiting for your God's Best

God's best. God's Perfect Choice. God's Will. They are all terms we use for that specific person God had created to be ours and ours alone. That one person whom others call soulmate or perfect match.

Why is it so important to wait for him and to wait upon God to put him our way? There are a lot of reasons why. Let me count the ways errr reasons. :)

1. Waiting for HIM spares you from all the emotional heartache, heartbreak and stress. Need i say more about the reason? :)

2. Waiting for HIM makes you reserve yourself (all of it!) for HIM and HIM ALONE.

3. When HE waits for you, it would mean YOU WONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH PAST GIRLFRIENDS. Trust me on this, it doesnt matter if he did not love the EX, but their relationship will still cause some disturbances in paradise. You cant overlook some of those details even if you want to. It's not because you dont trust him. It's just that, a part of you yearns to be the first to do this and that to him and with him. And most of the time, some ex girlfriends still hold on to their past without knowing how to quit. Worst, wouldnt really want to quit. Irritating right?

4. Waiting for HIM would mean HE DOESNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR PAST BOYFRIENDS. Trust me when I say, not matter how nonchalant he is about your EXs or what you and your EX (Exs if many) did in the past, there will be points in your relationship that he will ask, "Was I the first to do this to you?" or "Was I the first to give this to you?" and when you say No, trust me, you will see a very very disappointed look in you man. And we wouldnt want our man to be disappointed, would we?

5. Waiting for HIM makes us put our focus more on the One who authors the best relationships - GOD. It is a better way to spend your time and your energy on a relationship with God than a relationship with any man who isnt your God's best yet. Seek the Creator, not the creation.

6. Waiting for HIM spares you from ALL THE JERKS OUT THERE. And yes, there are many of them! Those who will pursue you just to get you to bed, those that will pursue you because they just want someone to show to his friends and to everyone, and worst, there are those that WILL NOT EVEN PURSUE YOU yet you fell for them because you are longing for love the wrong way.

So you want to have the best love story without any hindrances because of the past? because of you being impatient? Well, WAIT UPON THE LORD. He is the sole PURSUER of your heart and soul because He knows you better than all the guys out there. WAIT UPON HIM TO WRITE YOUR LOVE STORY. It saddens me to see women falling for the wrong sorts of guys, and being impatient and all, gives in to whatever the guy wants. Worst is when I see someone who is empty and void of a lovelife because her ex left her and now he has found another and there she goes, falling for any guy who is there at the right place at the right time. Trust me, unless these girls really practice what they preach and would really know how to wait upon God, they wouldnt go liking and flirting with guys whom they know are not yet even their God's best. Ladies, I've been there and I've done a lot of those things.If I can only turn back time, I would have corrected every wrong turn just so I can wait upon the Lord and wait for Him to bring me Jeremy. But I can never undo the past. My hope is that my past experience can help girls and ladies to turn the other way and spare themselves of everything that I have experienced. LADIES, I URGE YOU TO WAIT AND WAIT PATIENTLY. WAIT FOR GOD TO TELL YOU IN BOLD AND CLEAR WAYS WITH HIS WORD THAT THE GUY IS YOUR GOD'S BEST. IF YOU DONT RELY ON GOD, YOU WILL JUST END UP GETTING YOU HEART BROKEN YET AGAIN.

to you, you know who you are. if you happen to be reading every blog that i posted then you know that im speaking to you. please, trust me when i say, i dont want you to have another heartbreak. spare yourself. you've had enough pain from a guy who did not even love you as much as you have loved him. the guy God had created to be yours will love you more than you love him. and he will pursue you. it should be like that. it should have been like that always. let the guy pursue God, your Father, first before he pursues you. do not fall for any guy who happens to be like this and like that and he charms you with this and that. or for any guy who's there at the exact moment you need a boyfriend. i pray that your heart will heal. i pray that one day, you will really be happy with the one God had created to be yours just as I am happy with the one God had created to be mine because he first pursued God before he pursued me. Be pursued. Be loved. More than the love you should feel for the person. BUT LOVE YOURSELF FIRST.

                                                                  (photo from google)

something circular and silver with something shiny

3 months have now passed since the day i said "Of course i'll be your girlfriend!". back then, i've been so sure that the man asking me to be his girlfriend is the one God had prepared to be my husband. dont get me wrong. im still so sure until today that he is THE ONE. but something's just bothering me. something that's itching in my brain. it started when, out of the blue, he popped a ring in front of me. no, he said it's not yet THE diamond engagement ring. he still doesnt have the money to buy me the engagement ring cut he knows i want. how did he know? he asked God. just like how he knew what to give me for my birthday. but nonetheless, it's as good as THE RING. it's a single stone that looks like a diamond set in silver. and he placed it in my left ring finger. i should be happy right? i am. i just happened to have this itch in my brain i cannot remove.

what bothers me isn't in any way about him. i know and i'm sure that God had created him to be mine. what bothers me is something about me. the ring got me nervous. i know i shouldnt be because i've been praying to God about this, about me getting married. i've been dreaming of that day ever since i can remember. but through the years, little miss hopeless romantic got herself bruised, hurt and scathed. she metamorphed from little miss hopeless romantic to little miss independent, little-miss-stubborn-wont-ever-submit-to-my-husband girl. i've seen many women be like that. growing up, i learned how strong my mom is. stronger that my dad. i guess the role models i had when i was a kid werent really submissive women but strong independent women who takes charge of their lives. and i know I WAS like that. until i came to the know the notion of SUBMISSION. Ephesians 5:22 says "Wives, submit to your husband as to the Lord." SUBMIT. Submission to authority, someone God placed in your life to be followed. Trust me, I dont know the word SUBMIT. I've always been the stubborn one, trying to evade all kinds of rules created by any authoritative figure. I've had trouble submitting to my parents, to the professors i've had whom i know wont teach me something i dont know yet (trust me i had professors whose lessons i already i know even before i attended their classes. blame my intel i7 brain for storing as much info in it while i was still a kid) and to my past boyfriends. my strong personality (my mom would correct me and say, very strong personality) would always intimidate the weak and i would come off as an arrogant selfish bitch who thinks so highly of herself because she's got everything a girl can ever ask for. i wasnt created to SUBMIT. or so i thought...

until he came. one of the things he asked me when he came back from his mission trip to China was about submission. he asked me to ask myself if i can see myself submitting to his authority. it was a question i have to ask myself first before i say i'll be his girlfriend. did i ask myself the question? i did. and i said to myself, "he is the one man i can submit to and see myself submitting to everyday for the rest of my life." so i did tell him, "Yes, I can."

what happened to little miss independent? she vanished. went for a trip to timbuktu and never came back. or so i thought. there are days when she would seem to call via skype and make her presence felt. in those days, i know he struggles to understand me and to be patient to me. and i know he's already on the verge of giving up, holding on only by God's grace. you see, it's not easy understanding little miss independent. she defends like a lawyer (having been close to a granddad who's one), she argues like a debater (having been one herself), justifies herself like a brat, and rolls her eyes at him everytime she's freakin' mad. but despite of that, here he was, popping something circular and silver with something shiny on it to that little miss independent girl. now little miss independent was glad for it. she was happy to see that something circular be put into her finger but at the back of her mind, a voice whispers, "are you sure you're ready?"

am i ready? months ago, I AM!

what happened? why so suddenly, a voice whispers and asked me if im really sure im ready? is it just an echo of a fear inside me, a fear of committing to forever? or, as some people would say, maybe i'm just having cold feet.

am i? i asked myself. wait let me rephrase that. i've been asking that to myself for days now. it's an itch in my head i cannot remove. and as i type this blog, that something circular keeps glistening in front of me, in my hand. am i just afraid of submitting or is it something deeper? as i caught sight of the shiny object, a distant memory popped into my brain. it was the memory of me crying, sitting in the living room, listening to my parents argue upstairs as sounds of cabinets and drawers being opened and banged resound inside the house. that was the last night i would see the two of them together. that night, God's happy little princess changed. something dark enveloped her, a black cloud hiding her heart to the world. and through the years, there were only a handful of people who was able to really penetrate that black cloud. and he was one of those. would i really marry this man? i know i will. there's no question in that. it is God-ordained. it's been pre-planned by the One powerful enough to create the universe from nothing but words. His words. but am i really ready to start forever with this man knowing that there is still that black cloud enveloping my heart? is it really time to start planning my life ahead when i know that something in my past should be settled first with the people who gave me my first major heartbreak? am i really ready to be married when a failed marriage haunts my future, and the future of my kids?

i want to talk to them together. my mom and my dad, that is. but getting them within 6 feet from each other already makes the earth we stand in to shake like a magnitude 8. worst than the tsunami that hit japan. they never really separated in good terms. so getting them to sit in one room to listen to me will be next to impossible. my relationship with God tells me that there is nothing impossible with the God i serve but my pessimistic side tells me it is already a lost cause. what to do, what to do? should i barge into my dad's house and drag him to my mom's house and force the two of them to sit down and listen? oh and while im on it, i should lock the gates and keep the key to myself so that they cannot leave until they listen to me right? but stone, they say, cannot be broken with force. what breaks a stone is the continuous drops of water. see my dilemma? an impatient girl thinking of ways to break stone by patience. ironic isnt it?

back to that something circular and silver. deep down, i know the real problem i have is not the fear of commitment that the ring imposes. but its the fear of repeating one generation's mistake and passing it down to my future kids. it's not the ring per se. it's my heart that's giving me the problem. my heart thats trying so hard to break the black cloud so badly. but i guess im doing it all wrong. breaking that cloud might not be by my own strength but by the grace of God and the knowledge that with Him, with Jesus, nothing is impossible.

                            (photo from google, its the closest thing i can find to what he gave me)