what bothers me isn't in any way about him. i know and i'm sure that God had created him to be mine. what bothers me is something about me. the ring got me nervous. i know i shouldnt be because i've been praying to God about this, about me getting married. i've been dreaming of that day ever since i can remember. but through the years, little miss hopeless romantic got herself bruised, hurt and scathed. she metamorphed from little miss hopeless romantic to little miss independent, little-miss-stubborn-wont-ever-submit-to-my-husband girl. i've seen many women be like that. growing up, i learned how strong my mom is. stronger that my dad. i guess the role models i had when i was a kid werent really submissive women but strong independent women who takes charge of their lives. and i know I WAS like that. until i came to the know the notion of SUBMISSION. Ephesians 5:22 says "Wives, submit to your husband as to the Lord." SUBMIT. Submission to authority, someone God placed in your life to be followed. Trust me, I dont know the word SUBMIT. I've always been the stubborn one, trying to evade all kinds of rules created by any authoritative figure. I've had trouble submitting to my parents, to the professors i've had whom i know wont teach me something i dont know yet (trust me i had professors whose lessons i already i know even before i attended their classes. blame my intel i7 brain for storing as much info in it while i was still a kid) and to my past boyfriends. my strong personality (my mom would correct me and say, very strong personality) would always intimidate the weak and i would come off as an arrogant selfish bitch who thinks so highly of herself because she's got everything a girl can ever ask for. i wasnt created to SUBMIT. or so i thought...
until he came. one of the things he asked me when he came back from his mission trip to China was about submission. he asked me to ask myself if i can see myself submitting to his authority. it was a question i have to ask myself first before i say i'll be his girlfriend. did i ask myself the question? i did. and i said to myself, "he is the one man i can submit to and see myself submitting to everyday for the rest of my life." so i did tell him, "Yes, I can."
what happened to little miss independent? she vanished. went for a trip to timbuktu and never came back. or so i thought. there are days when she would seem to call via skype and make her presence felt. in those days, i know he struggles to understand me and to be patient to me. and i know he's already on the verge of giving up, holding on only by God's grace. you see, it's not easy understanding little miss independent. she defends like a lawyer (having been close to a granddad who's one), she argues like a debater (having been one herself), justifies herself like a brat, and rolls her eyes at him everytime she's freakin' mad. but despite of that, here he was, popping something circular and silver with something shiny on it to that little miss independent girl. now little miss independent was glad for it. she was happy to see that something circular be put into her finger but at the back of her mind, a voice whispers, "are you sure you're ready?"
am i ready? months ago, I AM!
what happened? why so suddenly, a voice whispers and asked me if im really sure im ready? is it just an echo of a fear inside me, a fear of committing to forever? or, as some people would say, maybe i'm just having cold feet.
am i? i asked myself. wait let me rephrase that. i've been asking that to myself for days now. it's an itch in my head i cannot remove. and as i type this blog, that something circular keeps glistening in front of me, in my hand. am i just afraid of submitting or is it something deeper? as i caught sight of the shiny object, a distant memory popped into my brain. it was the memory of me crying, sitting in the living room, listening to my parents argue upstairs as sounds of cabinets and drawers being opened and banged resound inside the house. that was the last night i would see the two of them together. that night, God's happy little princess changed. something dark enveloped her, a black cloud hiding her heart to the world. and through the years, there were only a handful of people who was able to really penetrate that black cloud. and he was one of those. would i really marry this man? i know i will. there's no question in that. it is God-ordained. it's been pre-planned by the One powerful enough to create the universe from nothing but words. His words. but am i really ready to start forever with this man knowing that there is still that black cloud enveloping my heart? is it really time to start planning my life ahead when i know that something in my past should be settled first with the people who gave me my first major heartbreak? am i really ready to be married when a failed marriage haunts my future, and the future of my kids?
i want to talk to them together. my mom and my dad, that is. but getting them within 6 feet from each other already makes the earth we stand in to shake like a magnitude 8. worst than the tsunami that hit japan. they never really separated in good terms. so getting them to sit in one room to listen to me will be next to impossible. my relationship with God tells me that there is nothing impossible with the God i serve but my pessimistic side tells me it is already a lost cause. what to do, what to do? should i barge into my dad's house and drag him to my mom's house and force the two of them to sit down and listen? oh and while im on it, i should lock the gates and keep the key to myself so that they cannot leave until they listen to me right? but stone, they say, cannot be broken with force. what breaks a stone is the continuous drops of water. see my dilemma? an impatient girl thinking of ways to break stone by patience. ironic isnt it?
back to that something circular and silver. deep down, i know the real problem i have is not the fear of commitment that the ring imposes. but its the fear of repeating one generation's mistake and passing it down to my future kids. it's not the ring per se. it's my heart that's giving me the problem. my heart thats trying so hard to break the black cloud so badly. but i guess im doing it all wrong. breaking that cloud might not be by my own strength but by the grace of God and the knowledge that with Him, with Jesus, nothing is impossible.
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