battle scars-to-be...

it's been a week since the night i broke down on the way home. he was with me, and i had my face on his shoulder facing away from him. no matter how hard i tried, the tears just kept on falling. the world seems to have crumbled and the biggest chunks fell on my shoulder. i felt tired, stressed, angry, hurt, and defeated. the strong facade i have tried to build all these years fell down. it felt like the Berlin Wall being smashed into pieces again. no matter how hard he tried to hush me, i wouldnt stop crying. no matter how hard i try to cry out to God, i just couldnt feel better. it's not that He left me all alone to face the battles. it's just the physical me that's so beat up. part of me says "Leave everything to God. He will take care of everything." but practically speaking, I still need to face all these battles. I cannot just run to God and hide away from the battles. He would want me to face them, with His strength and grace. to be honest, I'm still tired. i just want to escape everything. i want to sleep and not wake up anymore. whenever you would see me, you'd see me smile and be happy with my friends but that happy feeling is just passing. they would last for minutes, even hours, depending on the amount of time i spend with my friends. but when i'm already alone, in the bus on the way home, the battles would soon envelope me, never letting me go. from the moment i wake up to the minute i fall asleep, they would consume me to the core. jeremy tells me i'm always so optimistic about things but nowadays, i've been beginning to doubt if i really am. there are just too many battles in my life, all of them came all together at the same time. blame it on my being so idealistic perhaps. or in my idiosyncrasies. or in the way i would always say "come what may." but i did not foresee all these battles coming. what makes it so hard to deal with these battles is that those who should be the least of my priorities want to be the main priority and wants my whole effort and energy. if i do so, then those battles that are really important would go bigger and stronger thus crushing me more.

it's not always a matter of spirituality. i know what He wants me to do with these battles. i shouldnt run. i should face them head on. He wants me to do so. it's not because He cannot take them away from me but because He wants to develop another level of faith, maturity and character. but the problem is, all of these battles demand the best of me. and i cannot give them that all at the same time. He wants me to deal with the biggest battle first before settling the minor ones. but how can i do so if the minor ones wants to be taken cared of at first? i dont know what to do anymore. i pray and pray, i rant, i cry. and i know He hears me. He answers. but others question the way i hear God. others question my maturity in faith. others judge. those who think they are more mature in faith and in their walk with God says my actions are always wrong. my motives and intentions are never right. but who are they to judge others? who are they to judge me? who are they to say i lack maturity in my walk with God? is it because i've only been walking in the Christian faith for 2 years and they have walked that way all their lives? is that the gauge of being a mature Christian? and will actions alone gauge it too? i remember a preaching i heard from Pastor Patrick Mercado. He said that being young in the Christian walk does not mean you cant hear from God. it does not also mean that the years of being a Christian guarantees how well you walk and how well you run the race. It's not a matter of years. It's a matter of faith and obedience.

work. well it's still one battle among the many other battles i have. but atleast right now i'm sort of earning for the little and simple needs that i have. when i said sort of earning, my pay is not that of a regular employee. mine is that of a freelancer, getting paid for every freelance job he does. as an apprentice of one of the best photographers in the country, it does guarantee me good learning and atleast adequate amount of pay per photoshoot. but it does not guarantee that i will be able to help the house and my mom (which is another battle by the way). i get tempted to just drop all of these and just accept the corporate work that's being offered to me but i would always go back to the reason why i left the corporate world anyway. that i wasnt happy with the work, and i dont see myself fit for any corporate work. yes i can finish whatever task you give me, but at the end of the day, it is still not what i want and what i'm equipped to do. and at the end of it all, being stuck in the corporate world is not in any way related to my dreams. i dream of becoming a successful writer, filmmaker, and photographer. not a marketing and events person who's stuck in the office until the wee hours of the morning just trying to finish the job. so there, now i'm just an apprentice. the photographer's apprentice. mind you, an excellent photographer at that. but it still does not change the fact that my previous earnings of 15 thousand a month could not even make me save up for something tangible for the house, what more would my new way of earning which is pay-per-shoot. the only thing i'm holding on to is the fact that God will never let me go unprovided for. He has proven that He will always provide for me most especially in those days He knows i need it most. 

jeremy. well, he isnt part of my battles. not entirely. of course we have our petty quarrels but that does not mean he is a battle on his own. it's just that. sometimes, when what he will be in future caughts up with me, it makes me realize how big the responsibility is of becoming his wife. the responsibility of becoming a wife of what he will be in God's kingdom. it's too much of a pressure. i did not even want to be what i will be when i marry him. most Christian girls dream of that but i dont. so yes, the pressure is making me stressed out. i know i shouldn't be. because at the end of it all, i just love him so much i shouldnt really care of he's going to be a pastor or full-time minister at church. but, there are people who's unconsciously pressuring me to act this way and that way because hey, i'm gonna be his wife! i should be like this, i should be like that. i should act the way they want me to, i should do the things they think i should do. or i should not do what they think i should not do. and most of the time, it's too much for me to handle. but as I always say, God always has a plan. so whatever it is that made Him decide to put me as a minister's wife, i know it's for a reason. even if i dont want to be one.

family. my family that is. well that's the biggest battle of all. my parents being separated and all. me being the only born-again Christian in the family. me being the only child and that means i would have a hard time moving out when i get married. plus the fact that i need to save up for something big for my mom. something i know she wants to have before i get married. all of those are included in one big battle labeled "Family". the thing is, i cannot fight all of those battles (even the ones i did not mention) all at the same time. i'm just a girl. i am fragile too. though i may be strong, i also get weak.

the good thing about all of these, i know that this is just a season. that after this season, it's another level of maturity, another level of faith.

because He told me this:

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (New International Version)

⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

at the end of the day, i may rant, i may cry, i may plead for Him to take it all away. i may want to not wake up anymore but I know that in my battles, God will be glorified at the end.