the male protagonist named Alex is a widower. before he found the female protagonist Katie/Erin, he was married to Carly. but 5 years into their marriage, she was suddenly diagnosed with 3 brain tumors. 1 was removed by the doctors but 2 of the tumors were already spreading in her brain like spiders. they cannot get the tumors without damaging her brain. weeks, months passed and she was already succumbing to her illness. her body can't fight it anymore. she would be sleeping longer hours and day by day, she would be weaker and weaker. until one day, she fully succumbed and surrendered the fight to live. she died due to her brain tumors. it was so unexpected. before she was diagnosed with brain tumors, she was still full of life and energy. no one ever suspected that she has 3 brain tumors already. she left behind Alex, her husband, and two kids.
this is what tugged at my heart.
you see, i was a sickly kid. i would be diagnosed here and there with this and that. people at home used to have this running joke that when God showered sickness on earth, i was wide awake with my arms open wide. most of the time, the diagnosis would always surprise me. no i wont elaborate the illnesses i have so as for you not to pity me or anything. i want people to read that i am a happy girl despite and inspite of because I AM. but right now, having finished reading the book and having passed 4 funeral march yesterday and attending a funeral wake, i cant help but realize that life most often than not leads us to something unexpected.
last night as we were waiting for transportation to pass by, I talked to Jeremy about my requests when the day comes that i die. He wouldnt hear any of it. The mere thought of losing me hurts him and he doesnt want to hear what i had to say last night. well, who would even want to hear someone you love speak of dying right? but here's the thing. life is so unpredictable. what if one day i dont wake up anymore? what if one day, i suddenly get diagnosed with something deadly? what if, what if. two words that i dread being said together. but nonetheless, they get said.
so what if i die unexpectedly?
i know my mom, my dad and everyone in the family will cry.
Jeremy will too. Just the thought of me dying makes him teary-eyed already so i know that if that happens he will cry.
and if only i can cry, i will too. because i'll be leaving all of them behind. especially Jeremy.
the mere thought of dying made me cry this morning. i dont want to leave all of them behind. i dont want to die unmarried to the most wonderful man. i dont want to die without being a mom. in short, i dont want to die yet. i found myself crying to God early today asking Him to extend my life. i found myself asking Him wholeheartedly to extend my life until 90. so that i can grow old with Jeremy, watch our kids grow up and have their own family, and to play with our grandkids. but despite of me crying out to God, i couldnt help but make a sort of request list for Jeremy. something he should read only when i die. it's a list of things i want him to do. a list of the things he wouldnt hear last night. i may not die this year, or next, or 5 years from now but atleast i would die prepared. i would die with a note for him. a note that i want him to read and to promise me that he will fulfill each request that i wrote there. and yes, one of my requests is for him to find happiness again after my death. for him to find love and be loved again. morbid? well, i'd rather die knowing that atleast i will leave earth having told him how much i love him, how much i care. i dont want to die without telling him how much he made me the happiest girl.
so Jeremy baby, when the unexpected happens, atleast you'll know i left you a note. something you should only read when i die. which i hope would be so many years from now. like when i'm already 90 and you are 94.
i hope God listened.
because i dont want to leave earth just yet.
i want to live because i know i still need and still want to love.
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