I am beautiful, intelligent, talented, witty and charming. I have always been the "bibo" kid in school because I have always been a member and officer of a lot of organizations. In every school program and every contest, I would be there organizing, hosting or as a contestant. In short, feeling ko lahat kaya ko.
I have always been an achiever. Bringing pride to my parents with all the contests I won, every extra curricular activity I'm part of, and every achievement I got. I was always being sent here and there to represent the school, to join this and that or to just simply attend school conferences.
Quiz bees, declamation, impromptu speaking contests, debate, beauty contest. Name all the contests you can find in a school and I've joined them. Most of the time the results are great. Well, except for a math quiz bee I didn't dare join because I hate math. Or should I say math hates me.
Dance troupe, book club, religious clubs, honor society, YMCA, Rotary Club, CMLI, writers' club, debate club, school paper, year level assembly. I was a member or officer of all those clubs. How did I fit them into my student's schedule I cant fathom but I would always excel in all of those clubs.
You see, I thought I can do all things. I thought I will excel in everything except Math and Singing. I mean, why wouldnt I think that way when all my life people would always tell me im good at all the things I do. I have always been showered with words that boost my moral as a kid and as a student. Most adults think i'll be the most successful in my batch.
Until...
Fear sets in.
I know I can do a lot. My mom would always tell me that I can do a lot of things but one day I might end up a jack of all trades master of none. Well, that's when fear crept in.
I dont want to be a master of none. I wanted to be a master of one. A master of what I really do best. But I have a dilemma. I couldnt pinpoint which is my real strength. Or should I say, I'm just afraid to really use that strength and pursue my dream.
I am afraid. Afraid to fail.
I know what it is that I really want to do with my life aside from that desire to be a wife and a mom. I know I want to be a WRITER. There is a strange bond between me and words that I cannot fathom. I am in my happiest state whenever I'm in front of a pen and a paper or my computer. I get so happy whenever people would praise something that I wrote or would tell me they got inspired by my writings. I cant even wait to hear comments once the school paper gets released back then. And now on my blog, I would always check the stats on my blogsite to know how many views my blog got. I feed on them. I feed on compliments on my writing. That alone can make me the happiest girl in the world (aside from my future husband and family of course). But i fear...
I fear that I might not complete a book. I fear that I might not get published. I fear that no one would like the book that I want to write.
Don't get me wrong. I want to write. I love to write. I've got so many ideas and thoughts in my head and I cannot contain all of them. They are like my Pallas Athena and I am Zeus. But I can never get the guts to write something and ask a publisher to review it for me. It scares me that I might get rejected a hundred times. or worse, I'm scared that not even one of my writings will get liked by any publisher.
Jeremy tells me I write very well. My mom thinks so too. My friends feel the same also. But I still cant get the courage to finally continue this manuscript i've started to do. It's not that i dont lack inspiration. I have a lot of that actually. But the reason I cannot continue what I started is always that big F word. FEAR. Fear of being a failure.
Courage. Where art thou? I need you now. Get in here and give me the strength to really pursue my dream of becoming a published writer. Or else, I may never really find the strength to be what I really want most for my career - to be a WRITER.
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