I got a call from someone. He told me that the baby I was helping, the one I was raising funds for, died already. That time I got the information, I went numb. I was shocked. Speechless. How can the baby die if the group I left was able to raise half the amount needed? I tried to answer the questions on my mind but there are no answers I can think of. All I can think of was I was a failure as a leader. I led the team to raise funds yet when we were nearing the project's end, I dropped out of it. I was already losing faith that we were able to get the amount needed and the head of the mission team told me we need to hustle up. If there's a need not to sleep just so we can finish it, we should he said. But I know I cannot do that. At that time, I recently resigned from a workplace that I consider an extension of hell on earth, and my finances arent really that good. I would go to our every week activity with only 200 pesos in my pocket. 150 pesos from that amount is how much my fare is from home to the place then back home. So that left me with just 50 pesos for food. Those times, I experienced eating at odd places in Makati just so I can budget my remaining money. When I couldnt take it all anymore, I sat down one day and just talked (ranted) and prayed to God. I cant remember the exact Bible verse He gave me but he told me to stop and trust His power. So I decided to stop, drop out from the project and just do the best I can do at that time - intercede for the baby and the project. People told me back then that the general rule in saving other people is to save yourself first. You cannot help others if you are in danger. And at that time, I know my health and my pocket is already at risk.
When I found out that the baby died, I couldnt help but blame myself. Had I not drop out the mission, he would have been able to go to Taiwan to have his operation. We would have sent him there complete with all the funds they need. And the cranes we made for him would have been waiting for him when he gets home. But the cranes would no longer wait for someone. The little angel that was my reason to wake up every everyday from July to October is no longer on earth.
I BLAMED MYSELF. And I QUESTIONED GOD. And up to now, I still dont know why the baby died. I still dont know if it was really God who told me to stop and drop the mission because He wants me to focus on Him because I've been neglecting quiet times with Him those days that I would be focused on the fundraising. Or was it just my inner self telling me that I was already burnt out from the mission, Ian's constant nagging about me not doing enough, and my depressing lack of finances that time.
Six months after, tonight, a good friend of mine crossed my mind and I had the urge to check his facebook wall. He helped with the fundraising by the way. He was always there every week to play the piano for the guests. When I saw his wall, I found out that he died already last January. That fact told me that I lost two people close to me that month. After finding out that he died, the baby crossed my mind and I searched for his mom's name on facebook. That's when I came across an article about her and the baby. http://globalbalita.com/2011/why-did-pcso-let-11-month-old-boy-die-by-refusing-to-give-the-pledge-for-liver-transplant/
The article answered my questions about the baby's death. But still a part of me thinks I have not done enough for him and for his mother. And the feelings I felt that day that I found out that the baby's dead came back creeping inside me, my heart breaking for the mom and for the little angel who was not able to see how life can be so good. Do I still question God? I dont know. Maybe I still do. But there are things about God that I will never really understand and that He will never really make sense at all times but all I can do now is to wait for my turn to get to heaven and ask Him, "God, why did you take Raphael away from his mom?"
To baby Raphael, I'm sorry for leaving the mission so abruptly. I wasnt even able to say goodbye. I'll see you when I get to heaven okay? I know right now, you're looking after your mom as her new angel. Again, I'm sorry I wasnt able to get you to Taiwan for your operation. I'm really sorry.
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