Wednesday, July 27, 2011

an email to my baby months ago

Just posting an email I sent to my baby months ago... :D

hi baby!

i know you are hard at work right now and there seems to be so much to do there. but let me steal a moment of your time so you can read this email. dont be nervous im not going to break up with you. not via email atleast. joke! im never breaking up with you. :D

you remember you would ask yourself why you are so sensitive towards me about a lot of things? i think i kinda know why. you see, i was in your position so many times before. i've been the sensitive one, the needy one, the clingy one in those relationships where i didnt really feel loved as much as i hoped for. those times i prayed to God that i want the time to come that someone would be sensitive to my needs and wants, that someone who would be needy towards me, someone that would be clingy to me. lo and behold, i got you. you do to me the things i used to do to those who didnt really made an effort to make me feel loved inspite of me giving my all. yes, i got an answered prayer and that's you. but most of the time, i feel like im being unfair to you. i wanted someone so much that would do to me as i used to do to others that i tend to forget that you deserve my all more than anyone of them. i was too lost in the notion that i needed to feel the things i have not felt that i couldnt open my eyes to the posibility of me doing those things again. i felt like im doing things on a minimal level, scared that if i will go on a full throttle, i might crash and burn. unfair aint i? i just want to say sorry that it took me all these months to realize this. forgive me for not giving as much as you want. but it did not mean i loved you less than any one of them. its just that the efforts were lacking.

it also dawned on me these past few days why i would always get mad whenever you would try to control me and change me. its not that you really did it. its just that most times, it felt like you were doing so. you wanted me to lessen this and that, to be more like this and that. i never wanted to be controlled because it never really dawned on me what it truly means to love someone and be loved as much in return. you know that most of those guys did not really love me as much as you do so most of them did not really care enough to put me in my right position and to tell me when im already being a pain in the ass. but you do, and most of the time, i tend to look at it as a nagging need to change me. forgive me for feeling those things? please do. it was only this week that i felt like changing for you is not a burden but a delight. it started when i went to the fort, met with gelo and did not even bother to give him a bear hug like we used to do. it surprised me yes, not only because i did not hear any reminder from you not to be too touchy when you know that il be meeting up with a good guy friend, but also because it felt like something i voluntarily did.

i hope in time i get to be what i really should be for you, without feeling pressured to do so. i hope i get to be able to take care of our relationship pretty well so that someday, when our ghosts and skeletons in the closet came running after us, we wouldnt give up the relationship we built not only for us but for the sake of our kids.

i love you so much... much more than life itself. you taught me how to really love, and you made me feel loved in its fullest extent. i love you, i know you know this already but i will never get tired of saying that to you. you are my God's best, my soulmate, my bestfriend, my husband to be, my answered prayer, my love.

sige na go back to work na. :D

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