I Wished I Wasn't Beautiful

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today...

-Christina Aguilera, Beautiful

I wished I wasn't beautiful. Yes, I called myself beautiful. I won't show false humility here and say I'm just a pretty girl or I'm not one at all. I said I am beautiful because ever since I was a kid, I know I turn heads. Every time I go to a new school, I always get to be asked my name and if they can court me. I've won 3 school beauty contests as well, the first one when I was in preparatory school. I was crowned Miss Work (W came from CWL, the initials of my school). When I was in grade school, I joined the Miss United Nations contest and I won Miss United Nations International. When I was in high school I won my most prestigious award yet, being crowned Miss San Sebastian. I was just a 3rd year high school student and I went up against college students. I had the crown until 2009, when I was replaced after 5 years of reigning as Miss San Sebastian. While I was at school too, I had a few modelling stints outside, mostly ramp. Even then, I knew I can turn the head of any guy I want.

While others may think of it as a blessing to have a beautiful face, at certain points in my life, I found it a curse. You see, ever since I was a kid, I've been plagued by intrigues and rumors created by girls who are insecure with themselves. I would be tripped on the stairs by some mean girls who wanted me to be humiliated, I would be pushed around in the school cafeteria or worst, they would try to stain my uniform with food and beverages. In college, I remember a girl once said to me, "Susugatan ko yang legs mo eh! (I'll put a mark on your legs!)" just because she hates it that my legs look good.

Once, when Jeremy and I were on our way home, I told him that there were times when I wished I wasn't beautiful. I wished that I was just a plain jane, with none of the talents I have nor the looks and the body that I have. I wanted to be able to blend in with the crowd, with a face that is so plain men won't stare at me all the time. I hate it when men stare. I find it rude. And he was surprised to hear that. There I was, a girl who can get anything she wants if she uses the beauty that she's been given, wishing that I weren't even beautiful at all. So among all of the blogs I've posted, I think this one's got to be the most honest one I've ever written... YET. I really hated it back then whenever some girls who throw me nasty looks as I walk the school grounds. I hated it when they whisper amongst themselves in the school corridors, thinking I cannot hear them. Unfortunately for me, I can hear sound that other people can't. I can hear even the faintest whisper and decipher what is being said. I think the ability to hear like that was given to me because I don't have a pretty good eyesight. I also hated it when girls would try to befriend me just so they can get some perks from me - namely, the names and numbers of the guys who want to date me, or a certain air of popularity they cannot get if they are not my friends. But that popularity I have is somewhat attributed to the fact that my mom is one popular and infamous teacher at the school where I studied. I also hate it when ex-girlfriends of the guys I dated or had a relationship with would try to put me down with her friends telling them she's better than me or worst, that I'm just a slut who took her guy away from her.

And right outside the academe, when I graduated, I wasn't spared the insecurity of some girls. They would always find me too sexy for their taste, too beautiful to like, or too charming to befriend. Some girls in the corporate world tried to ruin my career, and they have tried to ruin my reputation. There's this one girl who, instead of hating me publicly, showed me and others that she likes me so much. She would always compliment my dress, my shoes, my make up and accessories. But when my back's turned, she was spreading nasty rumors to my subordinates. She tried to make herself the hero by telling them that I plan to fire a number of them for the company's sake. In the end, when I couldn't take it anymore, I left that workplace and just decided to pursue my passion - photography, video editing and anything related to media. And since then, I have decided not to enter the corporate world again. Not even with all the offers I get, I still chose to stay away from the corporate world. One of my former employer even offered me my job back, a job I resigned from because it was already too toxic for me.

My question is, when will all of these insecurities end? They won't. Just as long as I'm living in a world east of Eden, there will be a lot of girls who are not secure of who they are who will still be insecure towards me. But I know something they all should know. No living person, no material thing in this world, no amount of money or career achievement can give them the security they need. The only security one can ever have in this world comes from one man. His name is Jesus. And I know my security as a woman comes from him.

 

 

photo from Google