The Crown of Creation (A Blueprint Extended edition)

I must admit, when I heard that Victory Metroeast was having a men's meeting entitled "USAPANG LALAKE", my head thought, "Isn't that unfair? Why do the men get the chance to meet and talk about being men and women were nowhere in the picture?". So when I got to church today and saw that they were extending the BLUEPRINT series, it got me thinking, "What about Men have they not discussed yesterday as they held the Usapang Lalake meeting?" But they proved my thoughts wrong as soon as Pastor Marc Constantino walked up the stage and started to introduce the preacher for today. No, they weren't extending it for the men, but they were extending the series for the WOMEN. Thank God!

So here's the verse that is the heart of the preaching:
Genesis 2:18;20-23
¹⁸ The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
²² Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib^[c] he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
 ²³ The man said,
   “This is now bone of my bones
   and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
   for she was taken out of man.” 

Now here are the things I learned from the preaching:

1. We are created feminine. (Genesis 1:26-27)
-If you are a woman, you are God's idea. You are not a mere chance.
-We don't look to our dysfunctional family or cultural background to find our feminine identity.
-THERE IS NO NEED TO BE INSECURE. (This I think is one of those things that women should know by heart. There is no need to be insecure towards other women. We are created uniquely. We are created beautiful and magnificent.)
-The more feminine we become, the more manly in the Biblical way they become.

2. We are designed to be a SUITABLE HELPER. (Genesis 2:18)-Suitable means perfect fit.
-Wives, there is no suitable wife for your husband other than you. God designed your life and his to compliment and to fit each other.
- Woman is a man's source of strength and support.
-Women, as a wife, you must RESPECT your husbands and SUBMIT to his leadership. HUMBLING YOURSELF AND SUBMITTING IS NOT A SIGN OF WEAKNESS. If you have that mindset, that submitting to men means you are weak, then you are listening to the lies of the enemy right there. We become wiser when we submit to their leadership.
-The men in our lives cannot fulfill the work God has called them to do without our support and respect.
-MEN, DO NOT ALLOW YOUR WIVES TO TAKE CONTROL BY BEING PASSIVE AND IRRESPONSIBLE.
-We must show respect to all the men in our lives.
-WHEN WE RESPECT OUR MEN, THEY ARE EMPOWERED.

3. We are intended to nurture. (Genesis 3:20)
-God gave us the ability to carry inside our wombs a baby, to give birth to it after 9 months and hours of labor because God created us to nurture. Just imagine what the world would be like if all the mothers would raise their kids the right way, in the way that is proper in the Bible. Just imagine what kind of society we would have if all the mothers would nurture the next generation in a good and godly way.
²⁰ Adam named his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all the living.

and lastly,
WOMEN ARE CREATED IN GOD'S IMAGE TO GLORIFY HIM BY FULFILLING HIS DESIGN IN OUR LIVES. 

Now here's an excerpt from the book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery to a Woman's Soul that will add knowledge to us women:

It is nearing the end of the 6th day, the end of the Creator's great labor, as Adam steps forth, the image of God, the triumph of his work. He alone is pronounced the son of God. Nothing in Creation even comes close. Truly, the masterpiece seems complete. AND YET, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something is missing... and that something is EVE.

And the Lord God cast a deep sleep on the human, and he slept, and He took one of his ribs and closed over the flesh where it had been, and the Lord God built the rib He had taken from the human into a woman and He brought her to the human. (Gen. 2:21-23 Alter)

She is the crescendo, the final, astonishing work of God. WOMAN. In one last flourish Creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch. Eve is... breathtaking.

Given the way creation unfolds, how it builds to ever higher and higher works of art, can there be any doubt that Eve is the crown of Creation? Not an afterthought. Not a nice addition like an ornament on a tree. She is God's final touch. She fills a place in the world and no one else can fill. 

Thus, we are the crown of creation. Sadly most women now seems to have taken for granted their worth as a woman. They SETTLE for JERKS when they should PATIENTLY WAIT for the ONE GOD HAS PREPARED FOR THEM. They let their abusive husbands beat them up like a sack of potatoes or hurl insults at them like they are worthless. Now I URGE you women, take a stand once more as the crown of creation. Do not let your worth be diminished by the world's twisted view of things. You are God's most magnificent creation, made in His image and likeness and given His emotions. Do not let the world abuse you and take way your beauty. You are, after all, the most beautiful creation God has put in the garden.

                                            (credits to the original uploader; source:Google)

<3

Hard Fought Peace

Peace, by definition, is a state of harmony characterized by the lack of violent conflict. Commonly understood as the absence of hostility, peace also suggests the existence of healthy or newly healed interpersonal or international relationships, prosperity in matters of social or economic welfare, the establishment of equality, and a working political order that serves the true interests of all. In international relations, peacetime is not only the absence of war or conflict, but also the presence of cultural and economic understanding and unity.There is also a sense of tolerance in international relations for the realization of true peace. (Source Wikipedia)

What brought about this blog I am about to write? Read this link.
(http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/video/nation/regions/10/19/11/19-killed-basilan-encounter)

For those who did not find time to read that link, let me just relate to you the content of that link. 19 Filipino soldiers were killed in an encounter in Basilan. 6 of them, if my memory serves me correctly were butchered after they were already down and gunned.

The culprit: MILF says the military.

Who are they anyway?

The MILF or the Moro Islamic Liberation Front is an Islamic group from southern Philippines who was once part of the MNLF or the Moro National Liberation Front. As of today, MILF has been charged with a lot of bombings and killings down south in Mindanao. Most recent is the "ambush" of the special forces of the Army in Basilan which killed 19 soldiers.

What are they fighting for anyway? Let's take a trip down history first for you to understand the situation.
 The MNLF was formed because of the Jabidah Massacre. Here's a brief background of what happened with the Jabidah Massacre:
In 1963, the resource-rich island of Sabah, which had been under British control since the late nineteenth-century, formally became part of the Federation of Malaysia. The Philippines, however, protested this, claiming that Sabah had never been sold to foreign interests, and that it had only been leased (padjak) by the Sulu Sultanate and therefore remained the property of the Sultan and by extension the property of Republic of the Philippines. This dispute led the-then Philippine presidents Diosdado Macapagal then later on Ferdinand Marcos to establish special military units tasked with fomenting dissent amongst Sabah's non-Malay ethnic groups, namely the Tausug and Sama, two groups closely aligned ethnically and culturally with the Bangsamoro. The code-name of this destabilization programme was "Operation Merdeka" (Operation Freedom), with Manuel Syquio as project leader and then Maj. Eduardo Abdul Latif Martelino as operations officer. The end-game of this is the annexation of Sabah to the Republic of the Philippines. The plan involved the recruitment of nearly 200 Tausug and Sama Muslims aged 18 to 30 from Sulu and Tawi-Tawi and their training in the island-town of Simunul in Tawi-Tawi. Simunul was where the Arab missionary Makhdum built the first mosque in the Philippines in the 13th century. The recruits felt giddy about the promise not only of a monthly allowance, but also over the prospect of eventually becoming a member of an elite unit in the Philippine Armed Forces. From August to December 1967, the young recruits underwent training in Simunul. The name of the commando unit: Jabidah. On December 30, 1967, 135 to 180 recruits boarded a Philippine Navy vessel for the island of Corregidor in Luzon for "specialized training." This second phase of the training turned mutinous when the recruits discovered their true mission. It struck the recruits that the plan would mean not only fighting their brother Muslims in Sabah, but also possibly killing their own Tausug and Sama relatives living there. Additionally, the recruits had already begun to feel disgruntled over the non-payment of the promised monthly stipend. The recruits then demanded to be returned home. The sole survivor of the Massacre, Jibin Arula, recounted how the young Moro recruits were taken in batches of twelve to a remote airstrip where they were executed with machine gun by their military handlers. Arula, who was wounded in the left knee, managed to attach himself to driftwood long enough to be rescued by fishermen from the nearby island of Cavite. Though there has never been an official count, the number of dead ranges from 28. As of 1980,some of the axe-bearing military trainers of jabidah were even in the active service, particularly in the 2nd Army (sep), 2nd Infantry Division of the Philippine Army wearing the Jabidah pin. (Google)

Thus, MNLF was born. And in 1981, the MILF separated from the MNLF. This new group was supposedly a more conservative one.

Why am I blogging about this? No, I AM NOT AND WILL NEVER BE AGAINST MUSLIMS. I respect their religion and beliefs even though I was once a Catholic and now I am a born-again Christian. I will never hate or generalize my statements just because they are of a different religion. For I was once, almost, became member of their religion.

Reading the news and seeing them on TV these days brought back memories of the past. Memories I would rather not relieve yet I know that whenever news down south would reach me, I would still be concerned. Not for the man I once gave my heart and soul to, but for his people. Yes, you read that right. I fell in love once, a long long time ago, with a Muslim prince. (But for the sake of the promise I gave him, I will never mention his name on any blog or online post I make.) But more than the love I felt for him, I fell in love with his people. Not because of their religion and traditions but because my heart yearns to bring them one thing that all of them yearn for - PEACE. The war and the conflict down there has long been in their lives, starting from the Moro Wars that started in the time of the Spaniards until today, when Noynoy Aquino, the second Aquino to hold office, is stating that he will not give the go signal for an all out war. 

Peace, they say, is not the absence of war. It is a state of harmony characterized by the lack of violent conflict. And peace is something that is lacking down south. Among many other things. They lack good education, a good health system, proper housing and a whole lot more of societal problems that every new set of government officials failed to address.

When God gave me the word that He is sending me to the nations and someone confirmed my visions of where He is preparing me to be sent, all I could say was, "Oh God, surely you have prepared me for this long time ago. You really made the bad things to turn into good because you have prepared my heart for this mission long before I walked in Your light." Guess where He is sending me? Yes, I am being sent to the race that will always have something against my belief. The land of hijabs and mosques. I have totally forgotten about this mission I received until recently, when the news showed the bodies of the soldiers being carried into a truck, to be taken to the hospital or the morgue. My heart cried. Not only for the soldiers, but for the people who are caught in the middle of all these. The women, elderly and children and the innocent ones who are caught in the middle of all these conflicts in Mindanao. Where's the peace? Where is the product of the so-called peace talks? I want to know. I sacrificed the love I felt for one man just so he can reach for his dreams for his people - a safe and conflict-free environment, wherein there is the presence of peace. Now that part of me is asking, where is the peace? What are we doing to bring forth peace? Please let me know. It may be a far-fetched dream for a lot of you but I know, someday, down south, there will be PEACE. Hard fought it may be, not be guns and ammunitions, but by prayers, Providence, and the desire to bring forth peace but PEACE WILL FLOURISH.

Women and Girls Should Know Their Worth.

                                                                  (Photo from Google)

On the way home tonight (Friday around 11:30PM) while I was riding the bus, I was unfortunately seated in front of a guy who talks so loud on his mobile phone. It was getting on my nerves already because it was so loud plus the fact that he was on a public vehicle yet he was chatting with someone over the phone. No, it wasn't your usual "Yeah I'm on my way home." call. It was a personal conversation between him and a girl (based on the one-sided conversation plus the slightest sound of a girl's voice that I heard). Here's a few snippets of their conversation:

Guy: "Kasasakay ko lang ng bus." (I just got into the bus.)
Girl: ... (couldn't decipher what she was saying so I'll just put ellipses on her parts)
Guy: "Eh wala na kong load eh. Paloadan mo ko." (My phone doesnt have prepaid credits left. Load me up.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "Susunduin??! Eh malayo pa nga ako jan. Pumunta ka na lang samin tapos dun na lang tayo bumili ng ice cream." (Fetch you from your house??! It's far from where I am. Just go to my place, let's just buy ice cream there.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "Eh wala na nga akong load. Loadan mo nga ako." (I dont have prepaid credits anymore. Load me up.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "Bumili ng bag tsaka tsinelas." (Bought a bag and flipflops.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "O sige na sige na pumunta ka na sa amin. Tsaka loadan mo na ko." (Okay okay go to my place. And dont forget my prepaid credits.)
--End of conversation--
P.S. I'm pretty sure the whole bus heard that.

So, the call got ended huh? Thank God I said. But wait!!!! His phone rang again. Now this time it got interesting. Here's how their conversation went:

Guy: "Hindi pa nga umaandar yung bus. Nagpupuno pa." (The bus has not moved yet. They're still waiting for passengers to fill it up.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "TANGA! Malayo pa nga ako!" (STUPID! I'm still far.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "San ka ba manggagaling?" (Where are you coming from?)
(they discussed the way to his house from where the girl was and I got lost with his directions knowing I know the places they were talking so I wont mention it here. and so for the continuation...)
Guy: LECHE!  (P.P.S. in spanish Leche means milk but in Filipino it's something foul.)
Girl: ...
Guy: "Sinabi ngang pumunta ka na lang sa min pauwi na ko." (Told you just go to my place, I'm on my way home already.)
Girl: ...
Guy: Oy yung load ko! (Don't forget my prepaid credits.)
--End of conversation--

In their earlier conversation, I was just annoyed because it was TOO loud. On their second phone call, my annoyance turned into DISGUST and ANGER. Anger that is not in a rage kind of way. Why? Let me repeat the words that turned my annoyance to disgust and anger.

(1ST) Guy: "TANGA! Malayo pa nga ako!" (STUPID! I'm still far.)
(2ND) Guy: LECHE!
(3RD) Guy: "Sinabi ngang pumunta ka na lang sa min pauwi na ko." (Told you just go to my place, I'm on my way home already.)

I wouldn't have minded had it been a buddy of his that he was talking to. A guy buddy for that matter. They can be foul-mouthed for all I care. What pissed me off is the fact that HE WAS TALKING TO A GIRL. But what enraged me more is the fact that the girl just seems to take it all in. She even agreed to go to his house.

I can still the remember the last time (I think it was the only time) that someone said curse words and foul words towards me. Oh and yeah he is a guy who got hurt because I chose another guy over him. He sent those words to me via text messaging and boy! my anger hit the two hundred percent mark. I wanted to go to where he was at that time and just punch the hell out of him.  Thank God i did not pick him right? Now going back to this guy and girl talking. For all I care right? He's not my friend nor acquaintance and so is the girl. They are totally strangers to me and yes I shouldn't bother with their affairs. But let me give my 2 cents on that certain topic both for BOYS and GUYS and for GIRLS.

BOYS and GUYS:
Wondered why I used 2 nouns for you? Because there are 3 types of male on this world- one is a BOY who acts like a child when he is no longer one, another is a GUY who thinks he is man enough yet he still crosses the line between MANHOOD and being just a boy, and my favorite type of male, the MAN who knows how to be a man in the real sense of it and respects everyone most especially women and the elderly. So for you BOYS and GUYS, let me give you a piece of my mind. NEVER EVER TALK TO A GIRL LIKE THAT. NEVER EVER CURSE AT HER. NEVER CALL HER STUPID, MORON, ILLITERATE, DUMB OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS IN THE DICTIONARY THAT YOU WANT TO CALL HER TO SIMPLY IMPLY THAT SHE HAS NO BRAINS OR COMMON SENSE. AND NEVER EVER LET HER TRAVEL LATE AT NIGHT FROM HER PLACE TO YOUR PLACE WITHOUT YOU PICKING HER UP FROM HER PLACE IF THERE IS REALLY A NEED TO SEE HER.

GIRLS:
Instead of using the noun WOMAN, I opted to use the noun GIRLS. Sadly, a lot from the female population does not know their real worth. So for these girls, here's a piece of my mind. NEVER EVER LET A BOY TRASH TALK YOU. NEVER EVER LET HIM CURSE YOU OR CALL YOU STUPID, MORON, ILLITERATE, DUMB OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT IS IN HIS DICTIONARY THAT HE WANTS TO CALL YOU TO SIMPLY IMPLY THAT YOU HAVE NO BRAINS OR COMMON SENSE. YOU ARE NOT THAT. YOU HAVE BRAINS AND YOU HAVE COMMON SENSE. NEVER EVER LET HIM HIT YOU TOO. AND PLEASE, LET THE GUY PICK YOU UP WHEREVER YOU ARE AT NIGHT BECAUSE THE WORLD IS NOT SAFE ANYMORE.  AND NEVER GO TO HIS PLACE AT NIGHT WHEN YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS TO BE THERE. IF YOU REALLY NEED TO TALK, LET HIM COME TO WHERE YOU ARE.


KNOW YOUR WORTH.
:D

No Other Woman

here's my reaction to latest Tagalog movie that people are talking about. Starring Derek Ramsey, Christine Reyes and Anne Curtis, the movie is entitled No Other Woman. (P.S. There's a 1933 movie of the same title with the same lesson: Success does not bring Happiness.)

"No Other Woman" is a story about an extramarital affair and stars Anne Curtis, Cristine Reyes and Derek Ramsay. Curtis plays the role of Kara Zalderiaga, a beautiful socialite. Although she has many boyfriends, she is emotionally detached to love while Ramsay plays the role of Ram Escaler, a dedicated husband to Reyes' character Charmaine Escaler. (Yahoo.com)

Since I think most of you have seen the movie, I wont discuss much of it. What I'll be blogging is my take on a few things, most especially the lines of the film. Here goes my 2 cents about the movie.

KARA (Anne Curtis)
She portrays THE other woman. Beautiful, rich, schooled in New York, liberated. She doesnt believe in love... Until she met Ram who is unfortunately married. Here are a few of her lines and my take on them.

“You will only be called a mistress when there’s an emotional attachment. I’m not a mistress."
*It does not matter whether or not there is an emotional attachment. The mere fact that something is happening between her and a married man is already considered cheating and she is already considered a mistress.

“You can call me whatever you want,SNAKE, BITCH or OTHER WOMAN, but I promise you,
I will never be a PATHETIC and BORING housewife."
*She called Christine's character a pathetic and boring wife. I might say yes Christine was somewhat boring as a wife because she's a plain housewife who's only got stitching and yoga as her hobby. She dresses plainly and dresses up in the same way everyday. In a way, Christine forgot to cultivate the moment she got married. Being married does not give any woman the license to dress sloppily and to be plain and boring. It is not for the husband that the wife should dress up, but it should be for her own confidence. Men would love to see their wives dress up and be all made up once in a while.

“Paano mo naman malalaman na masarap pala pag di mo titikman?
Kahit alam mong bawal, labanan mo cos’ eventually your body will just get used to it."
* We dont have to try everything to know what's right and what's not. The bible has a set of commands we should follow because the One who created those commandments know better than us. And one of those commandments is "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife." and in this case, thy neighbor's husband.

CHARMAINE (Christine Reyes)
She is the wife of the lead guy. She came from a nouvo riche family. Plain Jane.

“Ayoko na! Ayoko na! Alam ko naman eh, ang sakit lang, ang sakit sakit lang
nung marinig ko. Hindi ko dapat ginagawa to pero ginagawa ko to dahil mahal na mahal kita!

*She was trying to be all dolled up and sexy and pretty because she was trying to compete with Kara. What's wrong with this is that she was doing it for another person, not for herself. A woman should beautify herself not for her husband or for any other human but for herself. Fixing up one's physical appearance would help boost a woman's confidence in herself thus she would not feel insecure and inadequate.

Here is another character's line:

 “Ang mundo ay isang malaking Quiapo, maraming snatcher, maagawan ka, lumaban ka!"

*It's true. There are a lot of women out there who would do everything to get something that is already taken. Someone who is already committed. And vice versa. There are a lot of men out there who would do everything to get something they can't have. 

As a whole, here's something that you guys should ponder on. MARRIAGES NOT FULLY SURRENDERED TO GOD IS REALLY BOUND TO FAIL. TEMPTATIONS AND PROBLEMS WILL REALLY EAT UP THE FOUNDATION IF THE FOUNDATION IS NOT GOD. A HUSBAND WHO IS A MAN WHOSE HEART IS FULLY SURRENDERED TO GOD WILL NOT CHEAT ON HIS WIFE BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT HIS WIFE IS A GIFT FROM GOD AND THAT HE WAS GIVEN THE COMMAND TO LOVE HIS WIFE AS CHRIST LOVES HIS CHURCH. AND THAT WAS AN UNCONDITIONAL, GENEROUS AND FAITHFUL LOVE. 

:D

28 things I learned from Jeremy

He was born Paul Jeremy Sauza De Vela Ocampo Cruz on September 22, 1983, a Thursday. Now 28 years after, he is with me and soon to be my husband. Here are 28 things I learned from him for the past 9 months (almost!) we've been together.

1. LORDSHIP. A relationship that is not centered on God and is not under His Lordship is bound to fail. Ours almost did but thanks to the grace of God it did not. God's promise that "What I have opened, no man can close." still stands.

2. DISCIPLESHIP. His relationship with his mentor, Jam Capistrano, never fails to amaze me. They've gone from mere disciple and discipler to brothers. Their relationship inspires me to disciple girls in the same way that they do it. Relational.

3. I AM FRAGILE. I have always thought I am strong, stubborn and independent. Until he came. He taught me how fragile I can be and that I need someone to be there to protect me. He taught me that God designed it that way not for me to rely on Jeremy but for me to rely to God.

4. I DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. With an Intel i7 of a brain, I've always thought I knew everything. But he taught me that I did not. Yes, I know a lot, but the fact remains that I don't know everything. Hard it is to say, but I'll admit there are things that I dont know of that he knows better than I do.

5. IT IS NOT ONLY WOMEN WHO HAS INTUITION. MEN HAS THAT TOO. Well, I hate it when he's right. Most especially if it's about the men in my life. I used to argue with him when he tells me that a certain friend of mine has feelings for me, only to eat up what I said when the time comes that that guy tells me he likes me.

6. TAMING THE TONGUE. I can really say nasty words whenever I get pissed off or mad. And when I have uttered those words, he gets hurt. Thanks to God's grace and to Jeremy for rebuking me with love, I've been better at holding my tongue.

7. MANIPULATIVE ME. Oh yes you read that right. I am manipulative. Or I tend to be one. That's what he made me realized that day he almost left. Almost. Among all the guys I've been with, no one really bothered enough to tell me what's wrong with me and I almost made a mess of our relationship because I did not know I had those things with me. Most of these guys are either too weak for me or they are a better manipulator than me. Again, thanks to God's grace and Jeremy's love for me, I've been more conscious of my words and actions so that I won't be manipulative towards him again.

8. RESPECT. Respect is the number one need of men. For women it's love. When men feels disrespected, they unconsciously make us feel unloved. Then the cycle goes on and on.

9. HEALING STARTS WITH GOING TO THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM. We cannot solve our problems by just patching up the wound every time we fight. We must tackle it from the root cause.

10. SPENDING TIME WITH GOD IS ESSENTIAL. He noticed that everytime I don't spend time reading the Word and talking to God, my temper just goes off so easily. Since then, I've made it a point to spend time with God even if I am already too tired to do so before I sleep.

11. PRAYER REALLY DOES MAKE MIRACLES. He made it a point to pray for me everyday in the morning when he knows I'm still asleep so that my day would be spared from hurtful words and waking up to the kind of noise I hate so much. Thank God, every time he prays for me, not a single hurtful word comes my way for that day.

12. HE'S A BETTER PHOTOGRAPHER THAN ME, BUT HE SAYS I'M BETTER WITH CREATIVE SHOTS. Okay okay I admit, he is far better in photography than me. He knows the technical terms while I shoot using my feelings. And mind you, I learned some techniques from him! :D

13. WORSHIPING AND PERFORMING SHOULDN'T BE DONE AT THE SAME TIME ON A CHURCH SERVICE. Sad to say, there are a lot of young musicians who volunteer for the music team who doesnt know the difference of worshiping and performing on stage a worship service. They play all the grooves they know, all the guitar riffs they know, use all the effects they have on their guitars just so they'll be called good but they dont realize that they dont play for themselves. they play for God. it's not about them, it's all about God. "mga Kuya, wala kayo sa gig para magpasikat. Nasa stage kayo to lead God's people into worship."

14. GALUNGGONG IS EDIBLE. I don't eat galunggong, haven't really eaten that in my entire life until he came! He taught me that I'll not die and I'll survive if I eat galunggong. And my verdict of it is, well okay. :D

15. WE SHOULD NEVER STOP BELIEVING FOR THE SALVATION OF OUR FAMILY. He prayed for his dad's salvation and one day, his dad just genuinely accepted Christ as His Lord and Savior.

16. WE SHOULD BE CAREFUL WITH OUR ONLINE POSTS. After all that fiasco with the ex, we were both mindful now of what we post on Facebook. Even if it doesnt have anything to do with the ex, we try hard not to post it or atleast phrase it in a way that the ex would not think that it is for her.

17. HE MAY HATE MY PAST BUT HE WILL NEVER HATE ME. That's what he made me feel when I told him everything he should know about me and about my past. He hated the things I did but he never made me feel like he hated me. More so, he made me feel that he loves me more because I told him all about it.

18. I SHOULDN'T GET MAD AT HIM FOR THE THINGS OTHERS DO FOR HIM OR TO HIM. For example, an ex of him does something and it really offended me. He made me realize that I should not take it against him because he cannot control the actions of that person. The next time it happened, I had a hard time controlling my tongue yet by God's grace I was able not to make him feel like I was mad at him or something. Yes I was mad at the ex but not towards him.

19. HE WILL ALWAYS STAY. Everytime doubt enters my heart, he would always make me feel like he's meant to stay and that will never change. He made me realize that he is not like the guys in my past. He chose to stay and he always will.

20. I CAN GET ANYWHERE WITHOUT TAKING A CAB. I've always thought that the only way to Eastwood, Robinsons Metroeast or to their house in Vista Verde from Robinsons Galleria is by taking a cab. He taught me otherwise. Now I know how to commute from those places to anywhere without difficulty.

21. KEEPING SECRETS IS NOT GOOD. We both learned that the hard way. He was keeping something from me about his ex and the talk they had after they broke up a long time ago. I was keeping something from him about my friend JC. But even before we admitted to each other those things, we were both having feelings that the other one is keeping something. And when I already told him about JC, he got so mad he wasnt able to keep his tongue. Since then i promised myself I will tell him everything that is happening even if I knw he'll just get mad.

22. THERE IS ALWAYS TWO SIDES OF A STORY. OR MAYBE 3. My story, his story, and the truth. And somewhere along the way, each version becomes a mess.

23. OVERLOOK. OVERSEE. OVERWHELM. If it's just a petty thing, overlook. If it's not worth fighting over, don't.

24. I SHOULD WEAR VANS OR SNEAKERS AGAIN. It's been a while since the last time I've worn sneakers because most of the guys I've been with before prefer girls who are girly girly and prim and proper wearing all that heels and girly tops. Dont get me wrong, I love dressing up and wearing heels. It's just that sometimes, I crave for the comfort of a sneakers. And mind you, he prefers seeing me with my vans rather than with my heels. Oh what a relief! :D

25. I CAN BE A KID. I cant remember the last time I've loosen up before I met him. I've always been Miss-Prim-and-Proper-won't-be-caught-goofing-around-in-public. But he changed that. I found myself making faces in photos, making weird dances while seated in public transportation, or just plainly act like a kid. I even gave in to the desire to have a piggy-back ride in public! :D

26. MY SATISFACTION AND CONTENTMENT WILL NEVER RELY ON HIM. Only GOD can fill me up and content me.

27. WHOLEHEARTED LOVE. He taught me how to love wholeheartedly. And I am glad that I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. He will be my last, and the one I will love the most.

28. THIS TIME THIS IS FOR REAL. HE LOVES ME MORE THAN HE EVER LOVED ANYONE AND HE WILL NOT LOVE ANY ONE AS MUCH AS HE LOVES ME. Mind you, there are times I doubt that. But whenever I look back at the way our lives have turned out, I know in my heart that when he said that, it is true. And it is for real this time. A lot of guys may have said those words to me before but he made me realize that this time, a guy meant it and he's the only one who was meant to stay.

Belated Happy Birthday to my dearest God's best! I love you much! I pray that you will continue to grow to be the man God wants you to be - a man always after His heart!

P.S. I was only able to blog about this today because we had a busy time last week celebrating his birthday.

Coming Home...

I was away from church for almost a month thanks to my mom's operation. I needed to stay with her and to take care of her but I miss my church family so much. I miss attending services, activities and Victory groups. And so today, TUESDAY, I decided to attend the midweek service at church because my mom can somehow manage to move around the house on her own. While I was on the jeep going to the bus station, I decided to put my iPod on and it played More than Amazing by Lincoln Brewster. Halfway thru the song, I felt tears forming on my eyes so I sent Jeremy a text message saying, "Miss lang ba talaga ko ni God o miss ko lang talaga Siya kaya ako umiiyak?" ("Does God really just miss me or do I just miss Him that's why I'm crying?") He replied, "Both babe. He misses you a lot. :)" which made my eyes more wet.

When I was already near Ortigas, when my eyes can finally see the tall buildings that can be seen from afar, my eyes began to get watery again. It felt like I worked abroad and I am now traveling home. I told myself, "I'm home!" It was a different feeling altogether. I was having mixed emotions like happiness that I'm finally able to attend church and go see my spiritual family but I was also anxious to go because I kept asking myself, "What if nobody missed me?" to which I picture getting a disapproving look from God. The moment I got off from the shuttle service I was in, I was half-running, half-walking as I made my way to Galleria. When I finally saw the entrance, I got so emotional I almost let the tears run down my cheeks. Literally. I was that happy and excited.

When I got inside, I went straight to my favorite ice cream kiosk to buy a popsicle for the pregnant wife of Kuya Mike Manahan, the ever beautiful and kind Ate Marielle. She was craving for it and I decided to surprise her with one. I went to her office and gave her the popsicle. Gave one to Kuya Mike as well for he was the one who told me about the popsicle craving of his wife. When we left the office, they invited me and Jeremy to dinner and we had dinner at Rai Rai Ken because the preggy wife is craving for noodles. So there we were, having dinner and having a wonderful conversation about us, relationships, and of course, God. I feel so blessed to have spent that time with them. They are such a sweet and nice couple and Jeremy and I just felt so blessed to learn things about marriage from them. When it was time to attend the service, Jeremy and I were a bit sad because we were enjoying the fellowship we didn't want to leave just yet. But hey, first things first right? So we went to the center and lo and behold, one of my favorite worship leaders was leading worship. Kuya Jam. When he started playing the song TODAY IS THE DAY, the tears I was holding in since the moment I was in the jeepney just started to pour out. I couldnt contain them anymore. Tears of joy were running down my cheeks. I was having a blast praising God that I just couldnt contain the tears anymore. Yes, today was the day He welcomed me back in His home. Next song was BEAUTIFUL LORD, a song that's on a print out I always put on my work desk when I was still working for the corporate world. When I was singing that song on my own little corner of the center, I felt a warm feeling envelope me and heard the most wonderful words I have heard these days. "Welcome home, My daughter, My princess." Oh yes, the King of Kings welcomed me back in His home. I know He missed me. I missed Him too. So much. When I heard those words, I just broke down. I pictured myself as the prodigal daughter running towards the father who is waiting with arms wide open. That is how loving God is.  I didnt deserve all the blessings He gave me and He even went so much as to give me His one and only Son to pay for my sins on the cross. He just loves the lost so much that He would go out of His way just to sacrifice His only begotten Son on that cross on calvary just for us to be able to get closer to Him so He can show us His love and mercy.

"Welcome home, My daughter, My princess." Oh yes God, I'm home! I'm back. And I hope I wont be far away from Your home and family for such a long time again. Thank You so much for the wonderful things You have given me. Also for the prunings, and the bad things that was thrown my way. They made me realize how powerful You are, how merciful You are, and how loving You are.

You are AMAZING. More than AMAZING. :D

                                                                  (photo from google)




<3

an email to my baby months ago

Just posting an email I sent to my baby months ago... :D

hi baby!

i know you are hard at work right now and there seems to be so much to do there. but let me steal a moment of your time so you can read this email. dont be nervous im not going to break up with you. not via email atleast. joke! im never breaking up with you. :D

you remember you would ask yourself why you are so sensitive towards me about a lot of things? i think i kinda know why. you see, i was in your position so many times before. i've been the sensitive one, the needy one, the clingy one in those relationships where i didnt really feel loved as much as i hoped for. those times i prayed to God that i want the time to come that someone would be sensitive to my needs and wants, that someone who would be needy towards me, someone that would be clingy to me. lo and behold, i got you. you do to me the things i used to do to those who didnt really made an effort to make me feel loved inspite of me giving my all. yes, i got an answered prayer and that's you. but most of the time, i feel like im being unfair to you. i wanted someone so much that would do to me as i used to do to others that i tend to forget that you deserve my all more than anyone of them. i was too lost in the notion that i needed to feel the things i have not felt that i couldnt open my eyes to the posibility of me doing those things again. i felt like im doing things on a minimal level, scared that if i will go on a full throttle, i might crash and burn. unfair aint i? i just want to say sorry that it took me all these months to realize this. forgive me for not giving as much as you want. but it did not mean i loved you less than any one of them. its just that the efforts were lacking.

it also dawned on me these past few days why i would always get mad whenever you would try to control me and change me. its not that you really did it. its just that most times, it felt like you were doing so. you wanted me to lessen this and that, to be more like this and that. i never wanted to be controlled because it never really dawned on me what it truly means to love someone and be loved as much in return. you know that most of those guys did not really love me as much as you do so most of them did not really care enough to put me in my right position and to tell me when im already being a pain in the ass. but you do, and most of the time, i tend to look at it as a nagging need to change me. forgive me for feeling those things? please do. it was only this week that i felt like changing for you is not a burden but a delight. it started when i went to the fort, met with gelo and did not even bother to give him a bear hug like we used to do. it surprised me yes, not only because i did not hear any reminder from you not to be too touchy when you know that il be meeting up with a good guy friend, but also because it felt like something i voluntarily did.

i hope in time i get to be what i really should be for you, without feeling pressured to do so. i hope i get to be able to take care of our relationship pretty well so that someday, when our ghosts and skeletons in the closet came running after us, we wouldnt give up the relationship we built not only for us but for the sake of our kids.

i love you so much... much more than life itself. you taught me how to really love, and you made me feel loved in its fullest extent. i love you, i know you know this already but i will never get tired of saying that to you. you are my God's best, my soulmate, my bestfriend, my husband to be, my answered prayer, my love.

sige na go back to work na. :D

Going Back to January...

Ever since I became a Christian, I've always looked forward to January because I'm so excited for the annual Prayer and Fasting at church. Last year, I had a very wonderful time seeking God and hearing from Him answers to my prayers. And last year, He answered all my prayer goals. This year, I was so excited to seek Him. Until...

I got a call from someone. He told me that the baby I was helping, the one I was raising funds for, died already. That time I got the information, I went numb. I was shocked. Speechless. How can the baby die if the group I left was able to raise half the amount needed? I tried to answer the questions on my mind but there are no answers I can think of. All I can think of was I was a failure as a leader. I led the team to raise funds yet when we were nearing the project's end, I dropped out of it. I was already losing faith that we were able to get the amount needed and the head of the mission team told me we need to hustle up. If there's a need not to sleep just so we can finish it, we should he said. But I know I cannot do that. At that time, I recently resigned from a workplace that I consider an extension of hell on earth, and my finances arent really that good. I would go to our every week activity with only 200 pesos in my pocket. 150 pesos from that amount is how much my fare is from home to the place then back home. So that left me with just 50 pesos for food. Those times, I experienced eating at odd places in Makati just so I can budget my remaining money. When I couldnt take it all anymore, I sat down one day and just talked (ranted) and prayed to God. I cant remember the exact Bible verse He gave me but he told me to stop and trust His power. So I decided to stop, drop out from the project and just do the best I can do at that time - intercede for the baby and the project. People told me back then that the general rule in saving other people is to save yourself first. You cannot help others if you are in danger. And at that time, I know my health and my pocket is already at risk.

When I found out that the baby died, I couldnt help but blame myself. Had I not drop out the mission, he would have been able to go to Taiwan to have his operation. We would have sent him there complete with all the funds they need. And the cranes we made for him would have been waiting for him when he gets home. But the cranes would no longer wait for someone. The little angel that was my reason to wake up every everyday from July to October is no longer on earth.

I BLAMED MYSELF. And I QUESTIONED GOD. And up to now, I still dont know why the baby died. I still dont know if it was really God who told me to stop and drop the mission because He wants me to focus on Him because I've been neglecting quiet times with Him those days that I would be focused on the fundraising. Or was it just my inner self telling me that I was already burnt out from the mission, Ian's constant nagging about me not doing enough, and my depressing lack of finances that time.

Six months after, tonight, a good friend of mine crossed my mind and I had the urge to check his facebook wall. He helped with the fundraising by the way. He was always there every week to play the piano for the guests. When I saw his wall, I found out that he died already last January. That fact told me that I lost two people close to me that month. After finding out that he died, the baby crossed my mind and I searched for his mom's name on facebook. That's when I came across an article about her and the baby. http://globalbalita.com/2011/why-did-pcso-let-11-month-old-boy-die-by-refusing-to-give-the-pledge-for-liver-transplant/

The article answered my questions about the baby's death. But still a part of me thinks I have not done enough for him and for his mother. And the feelings I felt that day that I found out that the baby's dead came back creeping inside me, my heart breaking for the mom and for the little angel who was not able to see how life can be so good. Do I still question God? I dont know. Maybe I still do. But there are things about God that I will never really understand and that He will never really make sense at all times but all I can do now is to wait for my turn to get to heaven and ask Him, "God, why did you take Raphael away from his mom?"

To baby Raphael, I'm sorry for leaving the mission so abruptly. I wasnt even able to say goodbye. I'll see you when I get to heaven okay? I know right now, you're looking after your mom as her new angel. Again, I'm sorry I wasnt able to get you to Taiwan for your operation. I'm really sorry.

The Cinderella Complex

(because of the most recent controversy involving my blogs, let me just say this again and again, my blogs are not about a certain person. my blogs are a mirror of my everyday dealing with different people. Girls who are in the wrong relationships, girls who cant move on, girls who cannot let go of relationships that should have been let go. There are a whole lot of other girls in my web of life and my blogs shouldnt be focused on one alone. Given that I have blogged about her once to stop the rumors involving the 2 of us, the most controversial one I should say, it shouldnt mean that everything is always about her after that. just a disclaimer for everyone. oh and for that, i dont think I deserve to be called a JERK by one of her friends. besides, JERK is a term for men, not for women.)

Late 2008, while I was on the phone with comedian Tado Jimenez, he mentioned the term Cinderella Complex. Upon Google-ing information about the term Cinderella Complex, I decided to have that for my college thesis. I was a Mass Communication student and at first my professors were doubtful of how I will include a psychological term on a thesis for Mass Communication. But we pulled it off (I've got 2 teammates, Sunshine and Erika). The title of our thesis was, The Effects of Television Programs on the Cinderella Complex of Women ages 17-21.

Now years after I have read the book by Colette Dowling, researching about the said complex, making surveys and writing the conclusion based on every document that we found, here I am writing about the Cinderella Complex again. This time, to retract my thoughts about the thesis basing my thoughts this time from the Bible.

The Cinderella Complex - The Cinderella complex was first described by Colette Dowling, who wrote a book on women's fear of independence, as an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others, based primarily on a fear of being independent. The complex is said to become more apparent as a person grows older.

Colette Dowling attempts to define women as being motivated by an unconscious desire to be taken care of as a fear of independence termed "Cinderella complex". An important aspect of the work can be defined as identifying an aspect of a larger phenomenon as to why women choose to stay in dysfunctional relationships.

This phenomenon can be defined as a syndrome characterized by a series of specific motivations or causes. Dowling identifies only one motivation, while the syndrome is in fact a combination of many motivations, which are in themselves characteristics that make up a complex.

The term syndrome has been largely used to define conditions apparent in medicine. However, in recent decades the term has been used outside of medicine to refer to a combination of phenomena seen in association.

I would want to share my conversations via email with the author herself Colette Dowling but I have lost accessed with my email account because the thief who stole my iPod Touch changed my password and I have not gained access to it anymore. In that thread of email, she explained further the complex that she authored. So despite of my want to give you her side of the spectrum, you're stuck with information straight from the internet, and not from the author herself.

Before we go to the main topic which is the complex itself, let us find out first about the character from whom the complex was named after. Who is she?

Cinderella. She is from a folk tale embodying a myth-element of unjust oppression/triumphant reward. Thousands of variants are known throughout the world. The title character is a young woman living in unfortunate circumstances that are suddenly changed to remarkable fortune. The word "Cinderella" has, by analogy, come to mean one whose attributes are unrecognized, or one who unexpectedly achieves recognition or success after a period of obscurity and neglect.

There are many versions of Cinderella, or should I say, Cinderella was derived from different stories around the globe but only 3 are popular versions of it. Cenerentola, Cinderella and Aschenputtel.  The most popular is Charles Perrault's version which is the one adapted by Disney for their Cinderella movie. 

Now that we have defined the complex and the main character, let's discuss the complex.

The Cinderella complex can be simplified as the FEAR OF INDEPENDENCE. Psychology says women have the strong NEED to be SAVED. We women have always been tagged as DAMSELS in DISTRESS and that we need a KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR to come and save us. This need goes two ways. For some women, they tend to be so needy, so clingy, so emotional, and so fragile. But for some women, they would opt for the other side of the spectrum. They would tend to be too strong, too stiff, too caught up in work that they have no time to socialize, too legalistic about things, and simply too much to handle for the people around them. But do not be fooled by these women says Dowling. They are not really who they are. On the inside, they are trying to hide their need to be taken care of, the fear to be independent. 


On my thesis, based on the surveys, the TV programs (telenobelas to be exact, the likes of Pangako Sa'yo, Marimar, Mula Sa Puso etc.) are nurturing the need of women for a savior. For someone to come and carry them off to paradise so that they wont have to face their problems anymore. Most of our respondents are wishing for an Angelo Buenavista(Pangako Sayo lead role portrayed by Jericho Rosales) to come in a red car, sweep them off their feet and fight for his love for them. Or for a Fernando Jose to get them out of their misery and marry them. Most of our respondents are wishing for a fairy tale romance. One wherein they would be saved.


What was sad about the result of that survey is that most young women, those studying in the University Belt area, would rather stick in dysfunctional and abusive relationships just because they are hoping that these men will be able to someday save them.


When we were done with the thesis, I have concluded that TV shows have really nurtured that need and women who feed off from these TV shows are really not helping themselves and their Cinderella complex. Back then, I was for the eradication of the complex. I did not want women suffering from this complex because for me, women should never be fearful of being independent, of being free and that they should never count on someone to save them.


But guess what, a year after I have closed the book on Cinderella complex, my hands found another book and my eyes could not stop from reading the words on that book. It is entitled Captivating, Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's soul. (I have blogged about it before you can check my blog Are You Beautiful? for further details.) I found out that the so-called Cinderella complex that Dowling wrote about is rooted deep within ever woman's heart not because it should be a weakness but because the need to be saved is part of a something greater.


A woman's heart is a portion of God's. In it, He placed a part of Himself while a part of Himself, he also put into man. The book Captivating says there is a longing in every woman's heart to be saved, to be rescued. In the book Wild at Heart by the same author, it says that in every man's heart is the need to save and rescue the princess. Both of these needs are from God. The need in a man is a mirror of who God is. He longs to save us, to rescue us and just to take care of us. He loves us that much. The need in a woman's heart is a mirror of another side of God, the one that wants us to search for Him, to seek Him and to be longed for by us. 


So am I still for the eradication of the Cinderella complex? No. There is no need to eradicate that need in women. We just have to have our needs filled up by the one true source of everything - God. He placed that need and longing in our hearts so that we will always seek Him, search for Him and love Him all of our days. 


Jeremiah 29:13-14
¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.^[a] I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” 

MOVE!

spending the half of my monday at home made me read a lot of blogs by men of God who writes good and sensible blogs about almost anything from God, family, friendships and of course the most popular topic of all time - LOVE. while i was browsing Sean Si's blog page, I chanced upon his blog:

When you Surrender a Relationship…                      http://h3sean.com/relationship-surrender/

It was a really good read and I was inspired to write my own version of it. So here goes something.

Moving on - not the easiest thing to do because you have invested so much time and effort to make the relationship work. You have invested emotions and that very big word LOVE. Hey, I've had so many failed relationships in the past and MOVING ON is not really alien to me. In fact, moving on and me are the best of friends. Being a born-again Christian did not exempt me from heartbreaks and moving on. In fact, one of the worst heartbreaks I got was when I was already a born-again Christian. Moving on wasnt that easy as well. In fact, it took me a year to really finally move on. And I have just really moved on when I met the one God has created to be my God's best, my partner in life, my soulmate. For others, moving on take years while for others, 3 months can be it. Nonetheless, moving on should be a decision we make for ourselves and not for others. 

In his blog, Sean Si said "There are times in our lives when we don’t trust God enough with a certain relationship we’re holding on so tightly to. We think God can never bring it back again. And we think that God isn’t able to write our love story as much as we are able to." I agree to that statement. So here are my take about NOT moving on and STILL holding on.

Holding on means WE DON'T TRUST GOD. When God says, "Let go." and we say "God, will you give him back?", it is our way of telling Him, "God, I dont trust your plans for me. I dont trust in your power to give me the best."

Holding on means DISOBEYING GOD. When God says, "Let go." and we say, "God, NO! He is the one I want to be with. I love him so much.", it is a way of DISOBEYING the God you call LORD.  

⁴⁶ “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?"

Holding on does not only hurt us but it also hurts the other party. By holding on, we burden the other party with guilt because he/she hurt us by leaving us. 

Holding on does not only hurt us but it also cause problems for the other party's new relationship. If the other person is already in a Godly relationship with the right person, our holding on can only cause trouble in paradise. It doesnt mean that the new partner is not secure of the relationship but who wants to deal with annoying EXs who just wont stop holding on right? I'm pretty sure, when we get the right and Godly relationship that we have prayed to have, we wouldnt want to deal with annoying EXs who are still holding on to our partner. Stop whatever you are doing and put yourself in the other person's shoes. Do we want our partner's EX girlfriend/boyfriend to continue holding on? Do we want our partner's EX to continue bugging the two of you with issues about him/her not being able to move on? Do we want our partner's EX to cling on and struggle with you that she/he should be in your place and that she/he should be the one with your partner because according to her/him, your partner was created for her/him?

So when we are having a hard time moving on and letting go, remember that HOLDING ON TO RELATIONSHIPS THAT HAVE BEEN ENDED BY GOD MEANS:

WE DONT TRUST GOD, WE DISOBEY HIM, AND WE HURT THEIR PRESENT GIRLFRIENDS AND FUTURE SPOUSES.

:)

a letter to my future daughter...

today is July 3, 2011 and I just had the most hurtful yet refreshing morning. after all these years, i was finally able to say most of the things i wanted to say.

i've been wanting to write an open letter to my future daughter but i never got the chance to sit down and write it down... so here i am, facing the laptop, typing away words that i hope someday, my daughter will be able to appreciate.

To my dearest future daughter Lian Chasity,

Let me start by saying I am sorry. Sorry for all the mistakes I have committed to you and to your dad. I am not the world's most perfect woman nor will I be the best mother in the world. But as you read this letter, I hope I have fulfilled the promise I have made to myself years ago. That you will never be void of a complete family just as I had been. I hope that as you read this letter, your dad and I are still together and still in love as the day God put the two of us together. I'm pretty sure you have heard the story of how God wrote my love story with your dad and I hope that you will always be inspired to wait for that God-written love story that God has prepared to be yours in HIS perfect time. If there is one thing that I never told your dad yet (I'm pretty sure the moment I publish this blog, he'll know), it was one of my prayers to God. When I was asking for my God's best, the one I will marry, aside from the list that I wrote of the traits and characteristics I want in a man, I prayed to God to give me a godly man who will never leave me nor my children. I prayed for someone who will always be patient and understanding if ever I get so nasty, mean or unreasonable just so that there will never come a point in your life where you will blame me that you grew up without a complete family.

Yani, my dearest baby, here I am praying that when you finally decided to get married, you will get married because you are in love and loved and that you wish to start your own family based on the overflowing love that you feel. Not just because you want to escape from home, leave every painful things behind and just escape from us. I hope that as you read this letter, you are not committing the mistakes of the generations before you. I love you my Lian Chasity and I know your daddy loves you too.

Mommy Yani


(Lian is from my name Gillian. Lian means lotus which symbolizes purity. It is also the name of my favorite author Lian Hearn whose full name is Gillian. Chasity is a name that Jeremy got from God. It means chaste and pure.)

                                                                 (photo from google)

"kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto palaging merong paraan"

tonight, i found myself listening to this memorable song that someone sang to me while he was waiting for his flight to doha for a gig. tonight it was raining so hard, just like the first night we went on a date. or should i say, just like most of our dates.

while i said in one of my older blogs that i wont blog about him anymore, pardon me in doing so. yes, this is another blog wherein i mentioned my goliath. or should i say, it is about the song he sang for me and thoughts about relationships related to the song.

the song is tagalog in language. it's title means sleepyhead. i can still remember it clearly. it was june 9, 2009 and he was in the airport, waiting for the whole band to arrive for their scheduled flight bound for doha. he asked me if he can just sing me the song over the phone, before he leaves. i said yes and indeed, he sang me my favorite part of the song. just to give you an idea, here's the lyrics of the song:

iniwan ka na ng eroplano
okay lang baby wag kang magbago
dito ka lang humimbing sa aking piling
antukin

kukupkupin na lang kita
sorry wala ka ng magagawa
mahalin mo na lang ako ng sobra sobra
para patas naman tayo diba

(chorus)sasalubungin natin ang kinabukasan
ng walang takot at walang pangamba
tadhana'y merong trip na makapangyarihan
kung ayaw may dahilan
kung gusto palaging merong paraan

pinaiyak ka ng manghuhula
hindi na raw tayo magkasamang tatanda
buti na lang merong langit na nagtatanggol sa
pag-ibig na pursigido't matiyaga

(chorus)

long as we stand as one
ano man ang ating makabangga
nothing will ever break us
wala talaga as in wala

(chorus)

kung gusto, hahalikan na lang natin
ang kinabukasan ng buong loob
at yayakapin pa
tadhana'y mejo overrated kung minsan
kung ayaw may dahilan
kung gusto palaging merong paraan
gumawa na lang tayo ng paraan
gumawa na lang tayo ng... (baby)
gumawa na lang tayo ng paraan.


the song caught my ears and attention today because it got me thinking of its lines "kung ayaw may dahilan kung gusto palaging merong paraan". let me relate it to relationships. if the person wants to stay, he will stay right? he will move heaven and hell just to stay with you and he will do everything to make you stay as well. but if the person does not want to stay anymore, we cannot move heaven and hell just to make him stay. he will always have a reason to leave and we cannot contend with those reasons.

but what if, just what if, he wanted to stay but there is a being bigger and greater and mightier than him who wants him to stay... AWAY. what if, him leaving wasnt of his own volition but a command from the One who created him... and you. what if it was God, with all His power, might and love for the two of you, who told him, "Son, leave her alone. Leave her in My hands and trust My plans for both of your lives.". would you get mad at God or would you get mad at him?

i did. i got mad at the guy and i made "tampo" to God. pardon me using the tagalog word, it's just that there is no english word that would really suffice for what i meant to say. but then something dawned on me. i got mad at him and blamed him for leaving me but there is always two sides of the coin. i should be mad at myself also.

when i was feeling resentment towards the person, did i ever stop to think all these would not happen had i asked for God's wisdom and discernment? all would have not happened had i waited for God's promise in my life and for my God's best?
most of the time, we only blame the other party for the heartaches they caused us. we dont even stop to think that we too have a part in all of it. yes, they chose to leave us. but we too have a part in the decision they took. it could be because we were already too much to handle, too emotional, too jealous, too immature. too much. or it could be because, it was never really meant to be and we should have seen that right before we even started having feelings for them.

so yes, i may have felt resentment back then for that guy who left without a word of explanation but i too should have felt resentment towards myself for allowing things to happen without being guided by God.

i can never stress this enough. it is important to wait for that one person God has made for you. aside from us being spared emotional pain, we also spare the other party from making painful decisions in their lives. and we also spare their future spouses the emotional pain of having to deal with ex's who wont and cant move on.

moving on: "kung ayaw may dahilan, kung gusto palaging merong paraan." if we really want to move on, we will. because we want to. when we say im having a hard time moving on, that's because a part of us does not want to. we always have reasons like, "I cant move on because we were together for too long" or "i cant move on because i believe he loved me and he still loves me." REASONS. kung ayaw may dahilan... maraming dahilan.






to you Antukin, i hope you have already found the one. :D





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in anger and bitterness, turn to God

i was at home today, waiting for my storyboard to be sent via email when i decided to go open my blogsite and check my stats. while i was checking my stats, i found myself wanting to blog. mind you, i have a blog ready to be uploaded but it feels like it's not yet the one i want to publish.

then i was reminded of how i felt last night. i was angry. blame it on the spirits of anger living in my house or blame it on my heart but the bottomline is, i got angry. i wouldnt go into details and person involved but nonetheless, this is a continuation of a past offense, a new one that adds insult to injury. it seems like as days pass, the person seems to add more insult to injury for me and Jeremy. what hurts the most is that lies were uttered right in my face and more lies where being said to different people that surrounds us. forgiven? yes the person was already forgiven. everyday is a struggle to forgive the person but by God's grace it was possible.

but last night, the anger rose up again. i asked God to show me why anger rises up everytime the person does something to irritate me. and here is what He told me:

1. James 1:2-4
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Since He already made me His daughter and disciple, i must develop my character. I must persever and endure trials and persecution because no disciple lives in a comfortable safe zone. We live in a world east of Eden. but what makes it easier to live in the fallen world is that we know that God's grace is always available for us.

2. God is teaching me to lower some expectations I have. Most people are not like me and that person definitely isnt like me. I dont do things that the person does and these are the things that offends me. And since I dont do those things, I expected most of the time that others wont do it too. But we are all a work in progress and we were created differently.

3. "I am still working in you and I am working in that person's life as well."

God works in everyone's life, tweaking attitudes that need to be tweaked and I tell you there are a lot of things that needs to be tweaked in my life. But I was comforted with the fact that God is tweaking that certain aspect of that person's life as well. He is not yet done teaching that person a lesson. He is teaching that person OBEDIENCE and LISTENING.

"Make sure that when you PRAY, you also know how to LISTEN to God."

4. "Leave VINDICATION to me."
"This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their VINDICATION from ME." declares the Lord. - Isaiah 54:17

I wanted to lash out, to tell that person right smack in the face that I am mad and furious at what was said and what happened but God reminded me that VINDICATION is His and not mine.

5. "What God has opened, no man can close."

Who is the author of my relationship? It's God. So whoever wants to destroy my relationship with Jeremy is answerable to God. Whoever says things against us will be refuted by God for He is the one who wrote our love story. I dont need to refute any tongue who accuses us of things because God will do it for me. According to Jeremy, "ang bumangga, giba!".


what struck me the most from my talk with God was this, "When we pray, we must also listen." Yes, God hears us and He wants to answer every prayer that we have. But do we ask ourselves, do we pray for the right things? or do we pray for the ones that are not included in His will? When we pray, do we really hear HIS answer or do we hear the answers according to OUR HEARTS' DESIRES? Sadly, there are people who are supposedly walking in His light, walking as His disciple but they are having a hard time LISTENING to God and OBEYING Him especially if it involves their hearts' desires.

I hope the next time that that person prays, LISTENING should be present. and OBEDIENCE too.

                                                                 (photo from google)




<3

shooting for a star ( a short story)

fiction is always the product of our imagination. but sometimes, there are fictional characters that are closer to our hearts than any other characters we have created in our head because they are, at some point in our lives, were part of who we were or they were a part of the past. and as i was searching for my old manuscripts and literary works, i came across a short story i wrote way back in high school, those times i would hide in lockers whenever this certain smile would light up the room i was in. it was a story of a girl who fell in love with a shy smile only to get her heart broken because the guy would not even look twice at her. or so she thought. thus, after reading that story i wrote, i was inspired to write another.

a continuation, a bridge.

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Shooting for a star
by: Gillian Hero Guerrero-Angeles

The rain kept on pouring the whole afternoon and my mind's going more restless by the minute. The stormy season was just starting at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, I was a completely different man.  Two weeks ago, the concept of love and commitment was as far-fetched as surviving on another planet aside from the earth. But it all changed when I saw her again...

---
(Two weeks ago)
I was on my way to my usual gym routine when I passed by this quaint chapel located near a commercial district in Libis. I don't know why I stopped but I did and moments later, I found myself kneeling down one of the pews and looking at the cross on the altar. A few minutes passed and a tiny little voice inside me asked an audible question. "What is your heart's greatest desire?" Whoa! Where did that question come from? I already have what most people my generation are envious of. Fame, money, girls. I am in my own right a famous celebrity though not as famous as Dingdong Dantes or Piolo Pascual but I already have a number of female and gay fans admiring my physique. I have tv guestings here and there, an evening soap opera that's getting a fair share of the viewers pie, and a late night travel/extreme sports show. I don't need anything else. Well, maybe there's one. A Porsche Carrera. Aside from that I don't think I need anything else.

As I was about to get up, a girl passed by and sat two pews ahead. Something about her caught my attention and as I took a second look, my heart skipped a beat. I know that long curly hair too well. I've stared at that back all too many times way back in high school. Tall, slender, Snow white skin, charming, sweet, bubbly, graceful, sports-minded, brainy, beautiful, perfect. "Could it be really her? Here? Now?", I asked myself. Debating whether or not to approach her, I stood up and found myself rooted on the spot. I could not move. Memories of a high school crush came flooding in. Memories that would tell a number of failed attempts to ask her out despite me being a ladies' man. Memories that would speak of too many stolen glances in between breaks, my basketball practices, her dance rehearsals and school programs.

When I finally mustered the courage to approach her, she was already up and ready to go. Telling myself that it's now or never, I called out her name. "Carla!" I said as I made my way towards her. Despite her startled look, I could not help but notice how beautiful she still look after four years. "Hi Yuan! Glad you still remember me.", she said, flashing those pearly whites. God! She still has that charming smile I love staring at. "Of course! Why wouldn't I remember you?", I answered back. "Well, most of our schoolmates say you don't remember them anymore once you became a celebrity." How can I forget her? I will forget everyone from my batch but I will never forget her. Never. But I couldn't tell her that. "Of course I remember you. And your dad." I said, smilingly sheepishly at her. Her dad was the school basketball team's coach. My former coach. And the first time I saw her, she was shooting hoops with her dad as I entered the school gym for basketball practice. Mind you, I've never seen a girl as beautiful as her who can shoot killer three's. "I was thinking -", I was saying when I was interrupted by the faint sound of her phone ringing. "Yes, I'm done. *pause* Alright I'll see you at the entrance. Bye." I heard  her say on the phone. As soon as she ended the call, she turned to me and said, "It was nice running into you but I have to go. I'll tell Dad you said Hi." "Please do. Tell him I miss playing ball with him." She smiled. "Bye Yuan.", she said as she walked pass me. My eyes followed every step she took away from me, and my heart retraced every step I took way back in high school to get to know her better. She stopped and waved back as soon as she reached the chapel's entrance and I saw a black car stop in front of her. She got in, lowered her window and smiled at me as the car started to leave.

I was mesmerized. I felt like the young boy again stealing glances at her in school. Or that basketball player looking for her among the crowd watching our intercollegiate games. But wait! I forgot to get her number! "Stupid!", I told myself. Of all the things to forget! "Stupid Yuan! Stupid!" Feeling defeated, I started to walk towards my car, still calling myself stupid for not asking for her number.

Gym time was over but I felt like I wasn't able to do a nice routine today. My mind kept going back to the conversation that took place inside that small chapel. As soon as I got inside my car, not even bothering to leave the parking space, I called one of my former basketball team mate. "Hey John how are you? *pause* Well, I actually have a favor to ask. Do you happen to know Coach Richard's number? *pause* Cool! Can you send it to me? *pause* Thanks dude!" Finally! I got a way to know her number.

Business card received. Coach Richard. Right then and there, I dialed the number and waited nervously as the phone rang. "Hello?", the voice at the other end said. "Coach Richard! This is Yuan!", I answered. "Yuan Co? My star basketball player? Is this really you?" I smiled at the mention of star player. "Yes Coach this is really me. How have you been?" A short pause followed my question. "Are you really asking about me or about me daughter? She told me she bumped into you earlier today.", Coach Richard asked. I was speechless for a moment until I finally answered, "Well, would you hate me if I say I really wanted to get your daughter's number?" Coach Richard laughed at my answer. "Well kiddo, I'm glad you finally had the courage to ask for it! It's been years! We've all been waiting for it. Me and the whole basketball team. Wait, let me correct that. Me and the whole school." I was shocked. "What???!!!! Everyone's been waiting for me to get Carla's number? But why?" "Well, we've all known you like her. We all saw the stolen glances, the look of longing in your eyes whenever she would enter the gym, and all those searching for someone in the bleachers whenever we have a ball game. We weren't blind Yuan. We knew. And I may have not encouraged you back then because of your reputation as a ladies' man, but given the circumstances right not, I think I'll give you more than just her number. Do you still know how to get to our house?" How can I forget, I thought. I've memorized their address and how to get there in the hopes that someday, I would get the chance to pick her up from their house, bring her out to a romantic date, and get her home on time for her curfew. But it never happened. "I think so Coach. Or I can Google maps the way.", I lied. "Okay, if you say so. Be here tomorrow for lunch. Bye." Wow! God must be on my side! Lunch at their house? Is this really happening? I wanted to punch myself just to check if I'm dreaming or not. Well maybe if I wasn't driving I would have done so.

When I got home, I searched for the basketball team championship photo I kept. It was the only championship photo I kept and treasured all these years. It wasn't because it was the most memorable championship but because it was the only championship photo that Carla took for the school paper. I found it hidden among the basketball team memorabilia that my mom hid in a box she placed inside my cabinet. On top of it was the jersey I was planning to give to her after the victory party hosted by the school. I never got the chance to do so because she wasn't around that night. She was sick according to her dad. As I stare at the photo, I couldn't help but notice how I was smiling from ear to ear, which wasn't my usual smile whenever the photo's for the school paper. I would usually have a stern, suplado look in school because too many girls would always try to catch my attention in various traumatic ways. Most girls in school. But not Carla. Maybe that was the reason I was so smitten by her. She's so different from all the girls I've seen. As I continue staring at the photo, I still could not believe the revelation I got that night. The whole team knew. Coach Richard knew. The whole school knew. I don't know if I should be pissed about it or the fact that everybody knew except Carla.

Early the following day, I got up, dressed well for the occasion, and drove to her place. On the way to her house, I passed by a flower shop to get her a bouquet of flowers. Her favorite, pink roses. I hope she'll like it. When I got to her place, I found her shooting hoops. I was amazed. Years passed and her killer three's can still take my breath away. "Can I try my hand in shooting?", I shouted as I approach her. She turned my way and was surprised to see me at their yard. "Oh! It's you! The star basketball player.", she answered. I smiled. "Are you going to hand me those flowers or are they for my dad?", she teasingly said. "Why of course it's for your dad. I kinda took a liking for him when he was my coach.", I joked back. She laughed. Oh my! That laugh sounded like music to my ears. "It's for you actually. I was just kidding.", I said shyly, handing her the flowers. She smiled as she received the flowers. "Thank you. Is this just a lucky guess or you really did research on what my favorite flower is?" I turned beet red. I can feel that I did. Nervously dribbling the ball she handed me a while ago, I avoided her eyes and said, "It was just luck I guess." Oh boy! How can I tell her I know more than just her favorite flowers without sounding like a stalker? Thank heavens, her father went out to join us in the yard. If it weren't for his dad I would have melted right at that spot. I was already wishing the earth would swallow me up right that moment she asked about my choice of flowers. "Hey lovebirds, it's time for lunch.", Coach Richard said, putting an arm around Carla. "Dad! That's not the right way to welcome visitors.", she said while she nudged him at the rib. "Hi Coach! Thanks for inviting me for lunch.", I said. He winked back as we started walking towards the house. Lunch was great though Coach Richard would not let me go off the hook without stories of how I was back then. He even mentioned that I really really liked this girl back in high school but I never got the courage to ask her out. Talk about being on the hot seat. Carla however was quiet over lunch as she ate her "special diet" of veggies and grilled fish. When I asked them about this, they said it's just her preference. She smiled weakly at me and said, "I've gone vegan for some reason."

---
Three days after that lunch I had at their house, I dropped by their house after one of my show's taping to give her a basket of fresh organic veggies. She was already asleep when I reached her house. Coach Richard received it for her. "Son, thank you very much. You don't know how much this will mean to her. But let me just say, I hope you don't get your heart broken.", he said as I got inside my car. I was puzzled. All the way from their house in Mandaluyong to my place in Tandang Sora, I couldn't help but think of Coach Richard's parting words. Why will I get my heart broken? Could it be that she does not like me at all? Or maybe, she's already in a relationship with someone else? Questions flooded my mind but the answers wouldn't come.

The following day, I decided to pass by her house first before I go to my scheduled taping. I found her sitting at a bench inside their yard, reading a book. "Hi!", I called to her. She looked up, surprised to see me there so early. "Oh hi! Thanks for the veggies by the way." "Glad you liked them. Can I sit beside you?" "Of course.", she smiled. "What are you reading?", I asked. "Oh, it's just a medical book explaining about Leukemia and chemotherapy." Leukemia? Chemotherapy? Why would she be reading a book about it when she wasn't a med student? As far as I know, she graduated with a degree in Advertising. "Are you planning on studying medicine?", I asked. She just smiled at me and went back to reading the book. After a while, she asked me, "Don't you have work today?" "Actually I have. I just wanted to spend some time here before I go to the location of my taping. I'll be gone for 3 days.", I said. I would rather spend time there than go to work actually. But I cannot tell her that. She smiled weakly at me, that same smile she gave me when she told me she had gone vegan. "Oh. You take care then. By the way, you can stay here as long as you want. But I have to go back inside. I feel tired already. Must be because of the medicines they made me took this morning. Bye Yuan." She stood up, went inside with the book she was reading, leaving me to ponder on things. First, her dad's puzzling statement the night before, then the book she was reading, and finally, she mentioned medicines. After a few minutes, I got up and went to my car, starting the drive towards my location shoot south of the Metro.

---
As soon as I got back to the Metro after my three-day location shoot, I decided to call Coach Richard. Three days of being away did not keep my mind off of the things that involve Carla. "Are you back in Manila?", was the first thing the Coach said to me when he answered his phone. "Yes Coach I am. Is there something wrong?", I nervously asked. "Get here as fast as you can. We're at Med City.", he answered. Not bothering to ask why, I ended the call and drove as fast as I can to Ortigas. Oh God, could it be Carla? What happened to her? Please God do not let it be her, I prayed. When I got there, I was informed that she was brought to the emergency room. As soon as I reached the emergency room, I saw Coach Richard in a seat nearby, with his face buried deep in his hands. "Coach?", I called out to him. He looked up and thanked me for being there. "Is it Carla? What happened?", I asked. "This morning, she did not respond to her medicines. She kept on vomiting all morning." "Medicine? Why? What's her illness?" "She was diagnosed with leukemia 5 months ago. She's been on chemo for 4 months now." Everything around me slowed down as I heard those words. It couldn't be. She couldn't be so sick. The doctor emerged from the ER and approached Coach Richard. "Sir, she's stable now. We sedated her and gave her an IV. We're moving her to a room. You can see her once we've already placed her in her private room. But I must admit, I'm worried about her response to chemotherapy. I'm afraid, we have to pray harder for her to survive. But we will do everything", the doctor said. As soon as I heard the phrase I'm afraid, I ran. As soon as I reached my car, I drove blinded by the tears that kept coming in my eyes. No! It couldn't be true. She's not sick. I don't know where I was going but I continued driving. I was surprised to see myself in front of the chapel where I first saw her again a few days ago. I got out of my car, went inside the chapel and tearfully said, "Why her God? Why her???! Why bring her back to my life only to get her back??! Answer me!" As I knelt down, the tears would not stop from flowing. I could not bear losing her, the girl of my dreams. For the first time in my life, I felt pain. I felt like my heart's breaking to a million pieces. Coach was right. He hoped I wouldn't get my heart broken. But here I am, in pain and hurting. As I was letting the tears flow from my eyes, a small voice inside me asked, "I asked You back then what is your heart's greatest desire. Are you ready to answer Me now?" Could it be God asking me that? "Oh God! Let her live please! That is what I desire most in this life. Just let her live and be strong again. I'll do everything to make her happy." Something warm enveloped me and the tears stopped falling. I got up, went to my car and drove back to the hospital. When I got to her room, she was still asleep. Not bothering to go home to get a fresh set of clothes, I stayed at the hospital, holding her hand as I fell asleep. In the middle of the night, I was awakened by a soft squeeze in my hand. "Hi.", she softly said. "Why are you here?", she asked. "I wanted to be here. To see you when you open your eyes.", I smiled, trying to hide my bloodshot eyes due to crying the whole night. "Thank you.", she said while reaching out to touch my cheek. "You know what, I have loved you for so long. I have loved you since high school.", she said. "Do you remember that day you tried-out for the basketball team? I was there. I saw you for the first time. And I fell in love with you that day." "Oh Carla!", was all I could say before the tears kept me from saying anything more. I just held her. I held her while memories of me stealing glances at her occupy my mind. "And I know you have loved me since high school too. I knew Yuan. Everybody knew.", she whispered. I reached over and kissed her on the forehead with everything that I've felt for her since that day I saw her shoot hoops nine years ago. It was an understatement to say that this girl in front of me, in a hospital bed with IV's and tubes attached to her, is the love of my life.

---
The rain kept on pouring the whole afternoon and my mind's going more restless by the minute. The stormy season was just starting at this time of the year. Two weeks ago, I was a completely different man. Two weeks ago, I wasn't so sure that love is for me. But here I am, waiting at this small chapel, waiting for the love of my life to walk down that aisle dressed in white. Gone are the playboy days of Yuan Co. Here and now, until forever, there is only one girl in my heart and mind. She's always been there. Carla, the girl of my dreams. My biggest high school crush. The one who brought me down on my knees to beg God to let her live. She only has six months to live according to the doctor but I know God can make miracles. He already did, that day He made our paths cross again in this same chapel.

                                               (photo credit to original uploader in google)